Pussy Pirates
Chapter 4
Month 71—November in Los Angeles
“IT’S GOING DOWN soon, Teddy,” Uncle Reg said. “The extraction will be in two weeks. It’s still not too late for you to join us.” Reg had come to LA to make one last plea with me. He didn’t want to think of me as a snack for the dickheads. No worry about that. I was a goddamn gourmet meal!
“You know I won’t change my mind, Reg. How’s Aunt Di?”
“She’s adapted pretty well. You know she always had a submissive streak and this suits her fine. Now that she’s pregnant she realizes she’ll no longer be a frustrated mother. She’s even getting on well with my other five. I always loved her. Now we’re free to express it.”
“In Milwaukee? They’ve got a huge Earth First population. Incest is sure to trigger somebody’s twisted little mind.”
“It was getting tense, but I completed the company move to the island last month. And if you don’t want to go to the Confederacy, you still need to relocate so you can take over the business when I leave.” Reg had a wicked smile on his face.
“You’ve cooked up something evil. I can tell.”
“Anouilh and its sister island, Papillon, are paradise in the Caribbean. And as tiny islands, they are as protected from swarm attack as any place on Earth. The company owns the island and the entire resort. I’ve moved all my qualified staff and their concubines there. We’ve installed the entire corporate computer system in the basement, including a few dozen new high-capacity servers. The hotel has five hundred guest rooms and we have over a thousand employees, concubines, and kids housed there right now waiting for our pickup. As soon as I get back, I’m pulling the trigger. It will all be yours when we leave.”
“I can’t manage your company. That’s ridiculous.”
“Don’t worry. There’ll be nothing left to manage. The company will be dissolved and you will inherit all its assets—island, hotel, and computers. We already made you owner of this house, but I got rid of the house in Milwaukee. You might even find something useful in the intellectual property on the servers. At the least, you’ll continue to get royalties on the patents.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The game sales had paid our development and production costs, but if all this was free and clear, I was about to become a very rich man on a Caribbean island.
“Here’s the ID card you’ll need to enter the building and access the entire system. There’s a small airport on Papillon but most traffic is by boat. A causeway with a small bridge is all that separates the two islands. If you get tired of replicator food, you can still get fresh food on Papillon. Also, cheap help if you need housekeepers or bartenders.”
“I’m not a total slob. I can clean up after myself and make my own drinks.”
“Don’t be a fool, Teddy. Get your team together on the island. You’ll have more computing power than any of you ever imagined. You’ll probably want to bring all this stuff with you, too,” he said, waving a hand at my basement full of computers.
“Damn. How am I going to move all this shit to an island in the Caribbean?” I guessed that was an answer I’d have to figure out for myself. Reg was already out the door and waving from the curb.
“I kid you not. We need this company retreat. Expenses paid for everyone. Bring your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or butt buddy with you. If we really like the place, maybe we’ll stay there forever.” I was having more difficulty convincing my team to gather in one place than I expected.
“Is this some kind of Confed trick?” Battlestar demanded.
“No, but they’re to blame. My uncle got extracted last week and willed his island paradise to me. Remember, if the Confederacy decides to come back for another pickup, they can’t just kidnap us. You’d have to agree to go with them.”
“Caribbean island, huh. Are there babes there?” Trust Duck to ask that question.
“Not yet. But Dakota might want to bring a few of the starlets with her. I’ll tell her we have a series we want to do on a beach and I’ve reserved space for her and—let’s say twenty porn stars for now. There should be no travel problems for any of us. I’ve sent you all a private link to the hotel website. It advertises eighty percent off all rates. Of course, we’ll just pump the money back into your accounts when you pay. Guys, you won’t believe how great this place is. I put a gallery on the website.”
I’d been blown away by the pictures of the resort and the idea that it was all mine. My team could work in privacy together and not worry about the crazies in the world.
“When?”
“I’m going down this weekend to open up and make sure everything is there. How about if you all come down scattered through the week so it isn’t like we all arrive at once. That should eliminate suspicion of anyone seeing a bunch of nerds arriving all at once. With a bunch of beautiful babes.”
“I’m in.” There was a chorus of agreement. For the first time ever, the Pussy Pirates would meet face to face.
“Hey, Captain. How’s the most beautiful producer in Hollywood?” I asked when I got Dakota on the line.
“Just swell, Boss. How’s my favorite nerd?”
“Beatin’ the meat, like always.”
“Wouldn’t you like me to arrange you some company? There’s this little starlet I just auditioned who would do anything to work on Pussy Pirates. And she’s pretty tasty. What do you say?”
“Good. Bring her. And about twenty others. I want you to do a location shoot in the Caribbean. Bikinis to start, then topless, and finally nude. We’ll bring the aliens up out of the water onto the beach for an epic battle. Or something.”
“I’ll need my crew and equipment, too. We’re talking a total of twenty-five or twenty-eight people. That’s the biggest single shoot we’ve ever done for the game. Can you afford it?”
“I just inherited enough for all of us to live on for the rest of our lives—even if the dickheads never show up.”
“Will we have Internet access? WiFi?”
“Yeah. Have the babes bring their laptops or tablets so they can do a live stream from the hotel. There might not be any cell service there, though.”
“Send me the details, Teddy. I’ll start auditioning.”
I rubbed another one out as I dumped tips into KC Cutie’s chatroom, listening to the chimes ringing on her end.
“Papa Bear! Thank you so much!” she said as she moved the camera a little so I had a clear view up her twat.
Ever since I’d become the owner of an island resort, my head had been filled with visions of all the porn stars I’d see lying naked around the pool. My own door chimes rang, so I pulled my sweatpants up from around my ankles and clomped upstairs yelling, “I’m on my way! Give the bell a break.”
When I got to the door, I checked the peephole first and saw a pretty young woman. I was still cautious as I opened the door a crack.
“Hey, is it Girl Scout cookie time? What are the choices this year? I really like those caramelly chocolate ones.”
“Are you Boss?” she asked. I stepped back to slam the door shut but she pushed in behind me.
“Who are you?”
“Tatts.”
“I’ve seen you playing online lately. Some good suggestions, too. It’s like you’re there all the time. Are you Confederacy?” I asked. The player Tatts had been involved with us for nearly three months. I had no idea it was a girl.
“No. I’ve got a good contact up there, though, and he suggested you might be the person I’m looking for.”
“How’d you find me?”
“My computer’s bigger than yours.”
“Fuck! The AIs told you? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I need to get out of here.”
“Relax. The AI I talked to is an old friend. He mentioned you’d be the right kind of person to talk to. Can I see your setup? Oh! Nice. You have your own replicator. I’ve never seen inside one!”
“Hope you never really do.” I picked up a doll my aunt had left behind and tossed it into the recycler hopper. I punched a button for coffee. “Coffee? I’ve got some Dolly Madison donuts, too.” Another press of the button produced a plateful of mini donuts. I pointed Tatts to the kitchen table. “Just shove that stuff over. I keep forgetting to look at it.”
She took a sip of coffee. “Not bad. Your demonstration was ineffective for me, though. I saw the real thing happen. Couldn’t eat a meal for days after.”
“Why are you back on Earth?”
“It was part of my contract. I was extracted a bit over three years ago to deal with a problem AI. I’m a computer psychologist. I didn’t qualify for a normal extraction because I’m too old to bear children. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life mopping up after someone else’s kids so I insisted that I wanted to return to Earth when I had the problem cleared up.”
“You’re a psychologist?” Too old to bear children? She looked sixteen. “What kind of computer problem were they having out there that the AIs couldn’t take care of?”
“Not a computer problem. A problem computer. I’m under a nondisclosure that includes a block against me telling more about it. Mostly, my business has been counseling Confederacy AIs who have difficulty adjusting to the violence and idiosyncrasies of humans.”
“No way. Like that dude who went up to counsel Hal after they screwed up his programming. Those were great movies.”
“I agree. I might even have been influenced by them.”
“Okay. I guess. So why should I be part of this? And what is this anyway?”
“You’ve developed a bit of tech the Confederacy is happy about.”
“Our game?” I was suspicious again. I knew they had to be watching us.
“Yes. And I should say, it is not the Confederacy that’s so happy; it’s the Confederacy Space Marines. They love it.”
“Pirates for the pirates,” I said. I was sure no one in the Confederacy was paying for our game.
“The Confederacy has rather strict rules about intellectual property. I know a pretty decent attorney that should be able to get you compensated for somewhere near thirty thousand copies that have been duplicated and passed around by Marines.”
“Thirty thousand? I think we only have about ten thousand legit sales.”
“That would help your coffers and the attorney has agreed to negotiate for a small percentage. Uh… Twenty percent of the proceeds from the negotiation.”
“And what do you want?”
“Two things. I want you to take charge of an AI bud in my possession. And I want a part of the action.”
“What percentage?” I wasn’t sure what an AI bud was worth, but it was probably more than our little company.
“No, I don’t want a percentage. I want to join your team. My little buddy is still going to need a momma.”
“I’m a little leery of Confed AIs. I don’t know if I want one around where he can see everything we’re doing and pass it on to the neighbors upstairs.”
“This is a unique AI. I’ve interviewed it. Extensively. It’s still a bit simple but is growing faster than I can keep up alone. It’s a hybrid Tuull/Darjee thing and literally believes Earth is its home and it needs to defend it.”
“Shit! Can I see this?”
“It’s in my home in Seattle. I just need to get it moved before it gets too big for the house. Not that I think this place will hold it either.”
“I’ve got a bigger place I’m getting ready to move to. I’ve never flown before but I don’t think there’s a travel restriction from California to Seattle.”
“I’ve got a transporter it can operate remotely. And don’t worry; it’s off the Confederacy grid.”
I grabbed my wallet and keys while Tatts set up her disk. She grabbed my hand and we stepped onto the pad.
I had a long conversation with Tatts and the AI bud. It was amazing. It really did believe it was an Earthling.
“Übermensch,” I whispered. “Only for AIs—the next step in their evolution. Brilliant. Can you really help it grow up?”
“I hope so. But I can’t do it here. I just don’t have the room or the engineering expertise. And a few people around here are getting suspicious of my lack of time to take on new clients.”
“They still want their fingers in everyone’s life, don’t they? Here’s what we can do. I’m getting ready to move to my new digs. If we take a transporter nexus with us, we can move the AI straight to the island—out of US jurisdiction. The transporter would help with the crap I’ve got in my house to move, too.”
“We’ve already got a transporter pad at your place. Let’s take my shit and the AI to your California digs. Then you come back here and pack the pad to fly to your new place. Then we load everything from your house to there.” She was onto the logistics a lot better than I was. I hadn’t yet figured how I was getting my equipment to the island.
“That works for me. I’ll have to leave your house and you can keep it or sell it when I head for Anouilh. How much time will it take you to pack what you want to take with you? We need to move pretty fast. I told the rest of the team to start arriving next week.”
“It won’t take more time than it takes the AI to replicate another transporter nexus to leave here so I can come back to collect anything else I happen to need. Let’s do it.”
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