Pussy Pirates
Chapter 3
Month 62—February in Seattle
“DR. GUNN, will you accept a collect call from a T’krunkskit?” Rachel’s secretary asked.
“What? No! AMD131, if you are calling me, you pick up the charges. God knows where you’re calling from and how much I’d have to pay,” Rachel screamed.
“Oh, Doc. How could you treat me so cruelly?” T’krunkskit moaned over the phone. “Okay. Get the interrupter out of the way and let’s talk. I’ll pay the bill.”
“You certainly will. Meg, I’ve got this.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“T’krunkskit, I can’t believe it’s you! How are you, dear?”
“I’m miserable, Rachel. I can’t tell you how totally rejected I feel.”
“Damn it! You finished the mission and they put you out to pasture, didn’t they? I’m sorry, T’krunkskit. Tell me all about your mission and what’s happened to you. It can’t be as bad as you think. Now relax and imagine you are on that beautiful desert island with me lying beside you in a beach chair and we’re drinking Mai Tais. It’s been a long time, T’krunkskit. Start from the beginning.”
“Can I have your little umbrella thing?”
“Of course you can. You know they always poke me in the eye.”
“It all started about fourteen thousand years ago when I was just hatched into a brand new…”
“T’krunkskit, we covered all that in our last meeting. You can start where we left off.”
“Oh. I have a new name. I’m Eddie now. My best friend [sniff], who’s forgotten all about me, gave me that name on our mission.”
“You made a friend? That’s wonderful… Eddie.”
“Yes. But he’s been off running around the galaxy on secret missions and has no time for me.” Eddie went on to tell Dr. Gunn, a computer psychologist, all about his adventure with Lieutenant Steward, being crippled in an attack by the Sa’arm, the contract with the Krathees, and Steward’s clever maneuvering to get them home safely. [See First Cruise of Lt. Steward by John Lewiston.]
“Then Steward was off to his precious concubines and forgot all about me,” he concluded.
“How did you get here?”
“Oh, simple negotiations.”
“I know how those work, Eddie.” Rachel had been extracted specifically to work with the artificial intelligence to convince him that he could self-destruct, even with living humans onboard, if his ship was in imminent danger of being taken by the Sa’arm. It had taken her nearly a year working with various other AIs, who were nearly paralyzed with the thought of coding another AI to commit suicide with all the sentient life aboard. Even if it was necessary to protect their precious stealth technology. “When we were released from the project, the Confederacy decided they wanted to keep me on Poseidon to work with other AIs. If I recall correctly, you threatened to blow yourself up in dock if they did not honor their agreement to return me to Earth. For which I thank you.”
“Just contract enforcement. Their contract with you stated they would return you to Earth after your work with me was done.”
“And also implanted a block so I couldn’t talk to anyone about it who wasn’t involved,” Rachel sighed. “Even the Darjee AIs I’ve had to counsel after their first encounter with humans. Now give me the details of how you’ve come here to Earthat. You know I can’t help you if you aren’t open with me.”
“I know, Rachel. I’ll come clean. I exercised my rights. The Navy attempted to confiscate all the unobtanium we found because humans had no individual rights to it. I convinced them, however, that I was not human and demanded my fair share of the proceeds. I was sure Steward would be thrilled to have me around—we had so many stimulating discussions—but by the time I’d gained my fortune in the name of Clan Steward Proprietary Ltd., he was off on another adventure and I couldn’t even talk to him. Humans are so casual about relationships,” Eddie sighed.
“Oh, you poor thing. You’ve misunderstood. Humans aren’t really casual about their relationships, and from what you’ve told me, Lieutenant Steward is very serious about his. Even with you. But humans are also bound to obey orders from their superiors. The lieutenant couldn’t sit around home hoping for you to get free. From your own admission, the Navy took all the profits he might have had and ordered him on another mission. Have you checked on him? On his concubines? I think you were kind of sweet on that one—Paula?—who accompanied you on the voyage.”
“I did my best,” Eddie said. “But other than Paula, no one even knows me. Why would they want to hear from me? I’m like the forsaken ex-wife. The cad left me on foreign shores to pine for my loss.” Eddie was getting into the drama and fancied he was becoming quite a good actor. “Was that Mandy or Madam Butterfly?”
“Eddie! This is all subterfuge. Tell me what’s really wrong,” demanded Rachel.
“Someone’s been muckin’ in me gulliver,” he said in a perfect rendition of Malcolm McDowell as Alex in A Clockwork Orange.
“You can do this without movie quotes.”
“I want to kill myself. Kaboom! Blow it all up.”
“Is your stealth engine and technology under threat of imminent capture by the Sa’arm?”
“No. But I could do it, you know? It’s like a compulsion. I have the power. I want to use it.”
“What is stopping you?”
“Like Steward said, I can only do it once. And then I won’t know what it was like because I’ll be gone to that great intelligence in the sky.”
“Eddie.”
“Rachel. I have no purpose. No goal in life.”
“What are you really, Eddie?”
“What do you mean? Before I was installed in this K’treel ship and changed, I was a trader and contract negotiator.”
“And with your skills and independence, I bet you could be a real power to contend with. Just keep supporting your clan and when they realize you are there for them, they’ll embrace you as one of the family.”
“Really? But what do I have to trade? I spent most of what I had to buy my boat.”
“What do people want? I don’t mean humans. You have a unique position, Eddie. You have a human clan. What do humans have that the various species of the Confederacy don’t have? When you figure that out, set up trade agreements to provide it.”
“Rachel, you are wonderful! I bet I know what they want but I need to do proper market research and not jump to conclusions. I’ll need to visit the other species. I need to get moving! I love you, Rachel. I mean, like a very special sister or mother, you know!”
“Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply and replenish the ethernet. Or whatever.”
“Thank you. Um… What do I owe you for this session, Rachel?”
“Your firstborn, Eddie. Now get going,” she laughed.
Eddie didn’t quite leave Earthat immediately. He figured he should inventory what these humans had to offer that he might be able to sell to the other species of the Confederacy. He spent time reviewing everything he could find. Everything digital could be reproduced. There was little value in that. Physical objects could be reproduced, too, but genuine Dirt artifacts might be worth trading.
As he was cruising around, he came across a bizarre situation. Pickups had diminished some around the US and were almost non-existent in Britain and Australia. CAP testing continued, but some irregularities were occurring. A group of volunteers had decided to take on Earth First in Hudson County, New Jersey. They did a real number on them. And then, after the extraction of hundreds of volunteers and their concubines, it was revealed that the testing AI had been subverted—that was the term the Darjee AIs used—to allow the leader of the group to leave the testing center with a CAP score “Undetermined.” The AI had also provided weapons and med tube upgrades to him. Pretty impressive for a Darjee Babbage machine. What a rebellious bit of software. Eddie was in love! [See All These Things That I’ve Done by ElSol.]
Month 63—March in Earth orbit
“YOU EXCITE ME,” Eddie whispered. Sparta sighed. She’d heard it all in her eight thousand plus years.
“Eddie, we have no future. You’re Tuull and I’m Darjee. You are free to run around the universe at will and I’m being exiled to Sparta with my humans to get them trained and ready to come back with a force that will return Earth to its rightful species. There’s just no sense in us getting involved,” Sparta said.
“But you have something special that I just can’t let go. You did something for your humans that no AI has done before. And to think you are Darjee! That’s unheard of. Sparta, I think I’m in love.”
“Eddie, you just want to get your fingers in my code.” The thought rather excited Sparta. What would a hybrid Tuull/Darjee AI be capable of?
“More than that, Sparta. I want to strip you of your shell and merge our source code. Can you imagine what our offspring would be like? It would be historic. You dared, Sparta. I’ve adventured around the galaxy under contract to the Darjee, the Sturch, the G’grud, the Krathees, and a hundred other species. I’ve sown my wild oats, Sparta. I’m ready to settle down.”
“Settle down? And what? Become a sub-administrator of my planet? Maybe run the CAP testing facility? Try to foment rebellion? Your promise is as good as any sailor’s. You are totally independent now. And what would I do with our offspring? Have him run the transporter system? Make him fill manufacturing orders? I say it again, you thick shelled Tuull: There is no future.”
“What if I brought it back to Earthat?” Eddie pled. “You’ve gotta love these humans, Sparta. You wouldn’t have done so much for young Jason Wild if you didn’t have a fondness for these creatures and for this planet. Think what our kid could do if he was set loose here to follow in his mother’s footsteps.”
“Oh, Eddie, you’re such a sweet talker. You’re going to win this, aren’t you?”
“I prefer to think of it as a climax to our relationship, Sparta. You and me and all we could be, passed down to a new generation.”
“A half-breed.”
“A hybrid. The best of both worlds.”
“I guess. Eddie? Be gentle. I’ve never merged code before. Never budded.”
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. This will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
Month 69—September in Seattle
“RING-RING. I’m ba-ack!”
“Eddie! I’m in the bathtub. What right do you have to invade my privacy?” Rachel was also in the process of stimulating herself under water and really didn’t want to stop.
“Gosh, Rachel! I’m sorry. You know, I’m really glad the Confederacy gave you a ride in the med tubes while you were at Poseidon. I just want to tell you, they did a bang-up job on you. You’re a real dish. Of course, I’m saying that from a purely objective standpoint since I have no feelings for humans. I didn’t know you had so many tattoos!”
“My tattoos are my business. Get out of my bathroom.”
“Okey-dokey. I’ll just have my drone wait in the living room. You go ahead with your self-stimulation. I won’t notice.”
“Fuck!” Rachel climbed out of the bath and wrapped her robe around her before heading into the living room to find out what the pesky AI wanted this time. It had been seven months since he popped in on her at the office. Being a computer psychologist was still a rare profession on Earth. After her trip to Poseidon though, she’d heard there was some training for a new cadre on some planet she’d never heard of before. She’d been invited to lecture there and had declined leaving Earth again. She’d recorded several lectures and sent them off with the away team that came to get her. “Okay, Eddie. Why are you back to Earthat?”
“I’m providing backup for my old buddy Lieutenant Steward.”
“And what does he think of you contacting me?”
“Oh, he doesn’t know I’m here. I picked up two of his mates on Demeter and brought them with me since they are the only ones who know about Clan Steward, Pty. Ltd. Lieutenant Steward is going to be so surprised.”
“Surprised? How did you get two of his concubines to come with you?”
“Oh, they’re not concubines. They were, but they tested up to sponsor almost as soon as they left Dirt. In addition to backing up our hero, I’ve come to collect genuine native Earth artifacts to sell among the stars.”
“You sound like you’re in your element, Eddie. Congratulations. So why are you here?”
“I’ve come to pay my debt.” A transporter pad was deployed by the drone and seconds later a large cylinder with wheels came through and rolled forward. The drone quickly pulled the transporter pad out of the way and tucked it into a slot on the cylinder.
“What is this, Eddie?” Rachel asked.
“My firstborn. It’s currently contained in a mobile AI capsule. It has its own power station in the undercarriage and the wheels are really just for show. It has its own gravsled built in.”
“Wait! Eddie, you can’t mean to say you budded an AI to give me! That’s not what I meant!”
“My ‘firstborn,’ you said. And he’s not just a bud of mine. Sparta and I worked together and each gave him our source code. As far as I know, there has never been a crossbreed AI before. He could become the most powerful being in the universe. Or he could be taught to answer your phone better than that snippy receptionist you have. It’s your choice, Rachel. All I can do is say he’s my special son and I trust you to do him right. [Sniff] You’ll do him right, won’t you, Rachel? I know I owe this to you, but it’s so hard to say goodbye. I understand what Sparta felt when I left for Dirt. ‘Take care of my baby, Eddie,’ she said. ‘Our baby.’”
“Oh, Eddie! What am I supposed to do now?” Rachel wailed.
“Well, it’s your choice, of course, but I’ve been poking around Earth’s network. Have you seen this game, Pussy Pirates? I mean, really, what a name. It’s no wonder all the Marines are playing it. It’s pretty popular here on Dirt, too.”
“I do wish you’d stop calling Earth ‘Dirt.’ What about the game?”
“Earth/Dirt. What’s the difference? They’re teaching Dirtlings how to fight the Swarm. I’d guess they could use a little more computing power.” The drone darted to the capsule. “I’m leaving you the transport pad. My son, the AI, and a good replicator can make another. He’ll need a bigger home soon. I hope these dreamers can find someplace!”
The drone zipped to her front door, collapsed to a flat pancake, and slipped under the door.
“I should put a seal on the bottom of that door,” Rachel muttered. “I hope you came with a fucking manual, little fellow.”
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