Heaven’s Gate
39 Why Have Sex?
I was anxious to get the last show over on Friday the ninth of May. The next day was a big day for us. Angela would have her MD degree conferred. Josh would finally get his MS. And Rose would get her MBA. But, we’d put together a good series this week and I was going to have fun with this one. Hannah, Elaine, and Nikki had stayed in the studio to watch. It would be a phenomenal success or a dismal failure. There was no middle ground on this one.
ME: Welcome back to XX/XY. We’ve got a nice mix of young men and young women in the audience today. So, I thought it was a perfect day to talk about sex. [Titters.] Admit it. We think about it all the time. Why not talk about it?
Before we went on the air, we passed around a survey created by an incredible interviewer who continually updates me regarding who is interested in the show. Surprisingly enough, it is young men and women. That’s a big revelation! When we started the show we thought it would only interest young women. But look! There are guys in the audience.
The reason we took the survey today, though, was to gather some statistics. It might interest you to know that we’ve given that same survey to every audience this week, though we’ve not talked about it on-air. You see, we wanted you to have plausible deniability. When I talk about the majority of respondents, you can always say, well that’s not the way any of us answered. Safety in numbers. Anonymity. It’s safe to be honest.
Our first result is that there are slightly more women who responded to the survey than men. Fifty-five percent women and forty-five percent men. That pretty well follows the demographics of our audiences this year. Which should make this interesting. Today, we are going to have a little ‘Man vs. Woman’ contest. We’ve randomly chosen two volunteers from the audience. I say random in that my lovely and ever-present assistant Cassie selected the volunteers and I have no idea who is coming up here. Cassie?
CASSIE: Brian, the random access portion of my brain selected Sam White as the male representative. Sam is an Easterner, hailing from the city of Philadelphia. He was invited to visit this week by his girlfriend in Indianapolis and she bought tickets to the show. She also volunteered him for the contest. Putting you on the spot, Sam. Come and join us. [Applause as Sam makes his way forward.]
Representing women everywhere, we have Bonnie Sorenson from the Golden Coast of California. Bonnie made the trip to Indianapolis specifically to be on today’s show. She is, however, spending the non-show hours of her vacation visiting her sister and brother-in-law and her brand new niece. Bonnie, we gave your sister a seat in our sound booth so she could attend with the baby. She’s the one who threw you in front of the bus. Eyes are watching you. Please join us here on stage. [Applause as Bonnie makes her way forward.]
ME: Our randomizer took a lot of things into consideration in making these selections. First of all, you both agreed to be in our contest, correct? [Nods.] Second, you know that we are going to ask you about the questions that were on the survey and which you already responded to, right? [Nods.] Sam, how old are you?
SAM: Nineteen.
ME: Bonnie, how about you?
BONNIE: Eighteen.
ME: Pretty well matched. Different coasts and different perspectives. Let’s get ready to play. Cassie has handed you each a small whiteboard so you can write your answers down and we can erase them between questions. Our audience this week has had 254 people between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one. There were another thirty-three who were older or younger than this. There were a total of 113 men and 141 women in the sampling. Now you know the statistics. Let’s see how you think they answered the questions.
Question one. Do you have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend? We did not differentiate whether this was a heterosexual pair or a homosexual pair or a multiple. Of 254 people, how many said they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Write down your answers and show the audience. [Bonnie: 220. Sam: 115.]
Wow! That’s quite a difference. Bonnie, you think that all but thirty-four of our audience members said they had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Tell me how you figured that? Do you have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend?
BONNIE: No. It just seems like I’m the only girl who doesn’t have a steady and all the guys are taken.
ME: That’s succinct. Sam, your answer was very different. Do you have a steady girlfriend or boyfriend?
SAM: Yes, she volunteered me for this position. When I talk to my friends, though, they all consider me to be really lucky. Most of them don’t have girlfriends and have a hard time even getting a date on the weekend. It’s not that they’re bad guys. They’re just not able to connect in the right way.
ME: Well, here is the real answer. You’ve each got a little of the answer correct. A slightly larger percentage of the women surveyed had a significant other than of the men surveyed. But it was remarkably close. In fact, it split at exactly half the total surveys. Meaning that Sam’s answer was just a little lower than reality. One hundred twenty-seven said they had a steady. That’s just a profile question. This time we are going to ask you to divide your answer into a percentage of the men and a percentage of the women.
Question two: Do you want to have sex? Yes or No. We didn’t leave any room for prevaricating. So tell us in two numbers, what percentage of the men and what percentage of the women said ‘Yes’? [Scribbling. Hold up tablets.]
Sam, you don’t have much faith in the women wanting to have sex, do you? Is this figure of 10% based on your experience? [Blushes.]
SAM: Actually, my girlfriend and I have a very satisfactory sex life when we are together. At least we did until I answered this question. [Laughter.] But we’re pretty open about the fact that we’re in love, we plan to get married, and we’re happily engaged in every way. I still think we’re an exception. From the way I’ve heard women talk and guys talk about the women they’ve known, we live in a pretty frustrated world.
ME: Yet you don’t believe that high a percentage of men want to have sex.
SAM: I might be wrong about this, but guys get a bad rap. At our age, we’re looking for the woman who will be the right match for us long-term. Sure that means we’ll have sex, but there are other things that come first. I know a lot of guys that would be happy to just hold hands with a girl on a regular basis.
ME: Bonnie, your numbers tell a different story. Tell me about your numbers. 100% of men and 50% of women.
BONNIE: All men want to have sex all the time. There are a lot of sluts out there, too, and combined with women like Sam’s girlfriend who are in a long-term relationship, I’d say about half of women want to have sex. The rest just want to be loved. They’ll have sex if that will get them love.
ME: You don’t know how true that statement is, and we’re going to get back to that. But let’s take a look at the numbers and see who is closest. Of those surveyed, 91% of the men said Yes, they wanted to have sex. Remember, we didn’t specify whether we meant right now or in ten years, nor with whom. That’s a lot closer to Bonnie’s 100% than to Sam’s 50%. But here’s what’s going to surprise both of you. 91% of the women surveyed also said Yes.
BOTH: No way!
I wrapped up with a couple of the innocuous questions like “How many children would you like to have in your family?” And “Who says ‘I love you’ first in a relationship?” We gave both Sam and Bonnie a gift certificate for dinner for two at Le Palais.
Then I got down to business.
ME: 91% of both men and women want to have sex. Why?
I see a lot of blank stares. Most of you are asking yourselves ‘Why wouldn’t I want to have sex?’ It’s like asking why you eat or why you breathe. It’s a physical imperative. But the truth is there are dozens of reasons to have sex. We touched on one of them in the contest. When surveyed, over half the women answered that they wanted to have sex so their boyfriends would love them. It’s an old truism that women trade sex for love and men trade love for sex. Our guest tonight, Dr. Naomi Reynolds, is going to talk to us about the trade and negotiation of sex. She has some pretty thought-provoking ideas on the subject.
First, let’s look at some of the other reasons.
Number one. It feels good. Most of us found out at puberty or even before that rubbing certain parts of our anatomy felt GOOD! Many of us found out at some point that having someone else rub that part of our anatomy felt even BETTER. And, according to our survey, the 82% of our audience that had had sex, discovered that rubbing those parts of our anatomy together felt BEST.
Number two. It relieves stress, depression, and boosts moods.
Number three. Sexual curiosity. I want to know what it’s like. And that answer, while it came from many of the virgins, also came from people who had a specific object of their desires with whom they wanted to know what sex would be like.
Number four. To show my love for my partner. Notice the big difference between our topic for later and this. This is not to get love from my partner, but to show love for him or her.
Number five. It makes me feel powerful. What surprised our researchers was that this answer was as likely to be given by women as by men. And, in fact, there is great power both in sexual dominance and in simply knowing that you can give someone that much pleasure.
There are a few answers that are less than positive and we’re going to discuss some of these with Dr. Reynolds, as well.
Peer pressure. Duty. Making someone else jealous. Money. Revenge.
All-told, 254 respondents to this questionnaire gave us over forty reasons to have sex. And surprisingly enough, making babies was number twenty-seven.
Now, please help me welcome, Dr. Naomi Reynolds, sex therapist for the young. Dr. Reynolds.
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