What Were They Thinking?
12 Making a Family
BRIAN IS FOND OF SAYING, “Nothing is as easy as it is.” Things that looked simple on the surface were complicated. We were in love. We wanted to be together. We were adults with free will.
And we had children in high school. I had one getting married. We lived a hundred miles apart. We had communities and friends and complications and insecurities. We almost let them get the best of us until Bill and Crystal stepped in.
“You aren’t a secret from us,” Crystal said bluntly. “It’s almost impossible to keep a secret among three families with five parents and three children. Just looking at the three of you reminds me of the way I saw Jennifer, Courtney, and Brian looking at each other.” She sighed deeply.
“We accepted a long time ago that Jennifer and Courtney had become something more than best friends,” Bill continued for her. “So, we’re neither surprised nor shocked at your relationship. Not as much as when the girls added Brian. But even that… I look around at our world and am amazed that anything we knew growing up still exists. This isn’t the world any of us expected to be living in.”
“So how can we help?” Crystal picked up. “We don’t want to push the kids into something, but it is pretty obvious that if they aren’t screwing each other yet, they will be as soon as we turn our backs.”
“They do have their agreement,” Hayden said. It was easier to defend the kids than our own desires. “I think they abide by it. Not that they don’t push the limits, but they don’t cross them.”
“Why do you suppose they changed the non-penetration clause to no skin-to-skin genital contact?” Crystal asked. “You know it had to be because someone had crossed that line and got scared. I agree, they abide by the letter of the agreement, but that still gives them a lot of leeway. I know what we did outside our clothes when we were dating.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Anna moaned. “I can’t just up and move to Mishawaka. It’s terrible to move kids in high school, even if they know others at the new school. And I would never do that to you two. Courtney and Jennifer are joined at the hip. I couldn’t take one without the other. I couldn’t leave one without the other.”
“I have an idea,” Bill said. We turned and paid attention while he poured us each another glass of wine. “I’ve heard reports of Brian’s culinary skills. I even got the tape of his demonstrations on The Homemakers’ Hour. Courtney came home from your last visit and just casually tossed off, ‘Dad, don’t you need an intern at the restaurant? Brian would be a good one.’ You can imagine my first thought at that suggestion. But maybe it makes sense. The school board circulated a flyer to all the local businesses seeking possibilities for a new Career Exploration Internship they are putting together that gives kids practical experience in areas they’d like to consider as a career and get school credit for it as well.”
“But Brian isn’t in this school district,” Hayden reminded them.
“Dwight Miller, our Superintendent of Schools, is a regular customer of ours. He commented to me last Friday night that it was too bad he couldn’t find anyone interested in restaurants as more than a waitress for their program. I think I could sell having an out-of-district student and still have credit granted.”
“Then Brian would have to live down here,” I said. “Uh…”
“With me,” Anna completed. “And surely you’d want to visit. Frequently.”
And that started the summer internship that brought Anna even closer to us. We got Betts married and drove a trailer full of furniture and wedding gifts out to Seattle but on the way back, we spent the last weekend of our vacation in a motel in Kokomo. It was no more than a stop to say hello to our son by the time we left on Sunday afternoon. And while Anna had two teen girls and a teen boy to ride herd on all summer, we had three teen girls staying with us and I think they got up to as much mischief as the kids in Kokomo.
We thought things had evened out a bit but fall and the new district school board lit a fuse and turned the school into a powder keg. And wouldn’t you know our son would be in the middle of the explosion. Surprisingly, so was little Cassie Clinton. That wasn’t the worst of the year, though. My son had a dozen girlfriends but none of them were quite like Hannah Gordon. Her father’s promised six years at the local church was changed to four years and Hannah moved away. We were all devastated.
Brian went back to Kokomo for a second summer’s internship and it was no longer a secret that we were spending frequent weekends there as well. Over the past year, if Anna wasn’t at our house for a weekend, we were at hers. But in the fall, we got the news of Hannah’s pregnancy, attempted suicide, and abortion. It had a profound effect on all the kids in the dating group. We could see the brakes come on in several relationships, even as they skidded toward sexual activity.
And I found out I was to become a grandmother.
“You will never address me as Grandma,” I lectured the gathering. Brian thought he’d be clever and start calling me Grandma when Betts announced she was pregnant. I glared at my son and the assorted teens gathered in the room. Then I turned to Anna. “Especially you!”
“Marilyn, why would I ever call my lover Grandma,” she whispered. She closed the distance between us and kissed me with such passion I melted on the spot. “Lover,” she whispered again. There were palpable sighs in the room.
“Marilyn-Mom, we love you and will always want you to be our Mom. That goes for you, too, Anna-Mom. And Papa-Hayden will never be called Grandpa by anyone but his grandchildren. We’ll figure out a way to make that work even when your grandchildren are our children,” Rose said. The room went silent. My mouth fell open. Anna clutched my hand and Hayden just stared wide-eyed.
“You’re uh… too young to be thinking about that,” I said. “Please. Please be too young.”
“None of us are planning to have children anytime soon,” Jennifer laughed. “Mom, you should see your expression. I’ve never seen you so horrified.”
“None of us… Well, we’re not there yet,” Samantha said. It was a pretty sure thing that if Jennifer and Courtney were visiting, Samantha was, too. “Mama-Marilyn, what happened to Hannah still scares all of us. We’re all turning seventeen this year and we still haven’t started having sex. I won’t guarantee that will last until eighteen but I’m not ready for a baby. We all promise to take every precaution.”
“Except abstinence,” Courtney whispered. What could we expect?
Betts had been married almost two years. I expected to be a grandmother within nine months. I don’t think it was from lack of trying but sometimes things take longer than they do. That’s another of Brian’s clever sayings. We’d already promised prom night undisturbed for him and Whitney so when Allen called to say Betts was in labor, Hayden and I were packed and ready to leave in an hour. Anna, bless her heart, must have broken all the speed limits to get to us soon thereafter. She drove us to Chicago and we kissed long and hard before Hayden and I went in to pick up our boarding passes.
We both had a drink early in the four-hour flight to Seattle, feeling extremely decadent. Dinner was a Seattle special of salmon poached on a bed of rice and we talked about how nice it would be to go on a long vacation with Anna.
“Her girls graduate this spring,” Hayden mused. “They are headed to IU in the fall. Do you think it would be too soon to ask her to move in with us?”
“I don’t think it would be soon enough,” I sighed. “I love you with all my heart, Hayden, but I love her with all my heart, too. Does that make sense at all?”
“It makes perfect sense to me. I never imagined that I could love anyone like I love you. I do, Marilyn. I love Anna like I love you. I’m just so thankful that you love each other, too.”
“Still… I don’t think it would be a good idea to tell Betts right now. Certainly not while she is in labor.”
Betts’ labor was long but not particularly as hard as I remembered laboring to birth her had been. She didn’t even complain that much. Not like I expected from my daughter. And at six-ten a.m. she pushed out an absolutely beautiful baby girl. We were caught up in the joy and beauty of our granddaughter Madeline.
That lasted only until the next afternoon.
“Mama-Marilyn,” Allen said, coming into the nursery where I was rocking the newborn. “There’s an Anna on the phone and she says she needs to talk with you urgently.”
I panicked. I thrust Maddie into her father’s arms and ran for the kitchen. Hayden saw me and followed right behind. All I could think… All I could imagine was that Brian had been in an accident. I was praying as I ran to the phone.
“Anna, is he okay?”
“Yes. Yes. It’s his friend. After the prom last night, Josh was beaten and Denise was murdered. Oh, Marilyn, I just got here and it’s chaos. The kids were all gathered at the hospital. Thank God, Jennifer thought to call me. I know Brian would have called, but he has his hands full comforting his friends. And I need to be here to comfort him, too.”
“Is he there? Let me speak to him.”
“I’ll have him call as soon as he gets back from the hospital.”
“Hayden is going to call the airport and get the first flight out. Oh, God! I can’t… I can’t leave Betts with a newborn. Hayden will come. I need to be here. Please, Anna, do whatever you can to comfort my son.” I looked at Hayden and dropped my voice. “And our man when he gets there.”
“Call with the flight arrangements and I’ll pick him up at the airport. I love you, Marilyn. And I love Hayden. Please be safe.”
“We love you, sweetheart,” I whispered.
Those poor kids. They should be celebrating. I couldn’t even ask if they’d gone through with making love. I wasn’t sure how I’d ask that anyway, but I was sure we’d know in good time. Brian called later in the evening. Of course, we had to tell Allen and Betts and by extension, Allen’s sister and parents. I was so proud of Betts when she took the phone and instead of bubbling about her baby simply said, “I’m so sorry, Brian. I love you.”
“You understand that Mom needs to stay with Betts, don’t you?” Hayden asked him. I had my ear next to his so I could hear Brian. It was like we had done so many late nights talking to Anna.
“Yes, Dad. Mom, you need to take care of Betts and my niece. I’d never pull you away. But, Dad? Thank you for coming home. I need you, too.”
“I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon, son. We love you. I will always come my son’s side when he needs me.”
I stayed with Betts for the planned two weeks, but I talked to Hayden and Anna late every night. It was late for them. I had to stay hushed while I made the call from the living room and Betts took care of her daughter in the nursery. I was intrigued by the fact that she’d chosen to breastfeed, and a little jealous. My mother had taught me to use a bottle and formula, but we’d since found out that the formula wasn’t really good for the baby either. Betts sat in a rocking chair in the nursery with a blissful look on her face as Madeline nursed. I thought how I wished I’d held my babies like that. When she went to the nursery, I called home.
“Is it like this for you all the time, Anna? I feel so alone without either of you by my side. I miss you both.”
“It’s probably not as difficult for me. I was alone when I met you. You’ve had Hayden for twenty-two years without being apart for any significant amount of time. I wish I could fly out to be with you, my love.”
“I don’t think that would go over very well, love. Betts is still convinced that Brian will settle down with one girl and get married next year like she did. Of course, she still believes it will be Hannah.”
“I don’t think that will happen. There were six in that bed with him and ten more scattered on the floor the last time I looked in. If he had a bigger bed, I think they all would have been in it, girls and boys, too. As it is, I don’t know how they do it. It seems our bed keeps us pretty close.”
“We could have an acre and would still sleep on top of each other,” I giggled. And it was true.
Anna and the girls accepted our invitation to move in for the summer. There was no pretense that Anna would have her own room. She moved into our bedroom. And as much as we tried to rein things in, no one believed the girls would spend every night chastely in their own room. It was no longer a secret that seventeen marked the age when full-out sexual intercourse was allowed within the dating group. Among consenting couples. Or more. No one was pressured and I was happy to see that aside from the initial rush, most of the girls were being circumspect and planning their time with my son carefully.
I could have been stricter but when Brian…
It was the first night Anna and the girls were with us. Brian had taken a job as Miss Polly’s assistant for the summer and came home from work that night throwing up. Anna was panicked and called me at work. I came home and did all the motherly things the two of us could think of while Brian protested that it had been something he ate. He and the girls went to bed early—they to watch over him in case he got sick again. Right. We heard a couple of well-satisfied squeals before we’d even managed to get Anna into our bedroom.
Once there, though, we slowed the pace a bit and simply loved on each other’s naked bodies. Soft, slow. Exchanging kisses and touches. Bringing each other to long luxurious climaxes. It had been a while and I pushed Hayden between Anna’s legs and kissed her thoroughly while Hayden plunged into her over and over. Nor was I left wanting. I rather liked the fact that Anna in our bed meant Hayden often was ready for a second round before our breathing settled from the first. Tonight, I was the second round while I continued kissing our lover.
“I’m a little worried,” Hayden said as we basked in the glow of each other’s love. “I don’t think Brian had any kind of food poisoning.”
“What is it you think?” I whispered.
“Anna, do you remember how Brian responded to the news of Denise’s death? For that matter, how he responded to Hannah’s near suicide and abortion? News like that affects him physically. I don’t believe he can control the way his body reacts. I’m worried that something triggered his memories. We need to be aware that he might need us more than he lets on.”
“Oh, Hayden, you are such a good dad,” I sighed. “I should have thought of that.”
“I don’t think he’ll have difficulty tonight. It sounded like the girls were trying to put him into a sound sleep,” Anna giggled. “Oh, to be a teen and able to repeat so often. Though I’m just as happy to lie in the arms of my lovers.” And we were happy, too.
“Marilyn. Hayden,” Anna whispered frantically. “Wake up. Please, wake up.”
“What is it, love? What time is it?”
“Nearly one. Brian’s gone. I mean he’s not in the house.”
“What? He must just be up with the girls,” Hayden said.
“No. I woke up to get a glass of water and… I couldn’t help myself. I looked in on them. I thought I’d just peek and make sure they were all right but I confess, I really wanted to see them cuddled as happily together as we were. Brian wasn’t there. I checked the other bedrooms and the bathrooms. He’s not in the house.”
“Maybe he had a secret date,” I suggested. “Who do you think would slip out to meet him at this hour?” I felt Hayden shudder.
“Let’s not confront him,” he said. “If it looks like he betrayed someone’s trust, I’ll have a talk with him but let’s not make something up and cause him to withdraw from us.” We whispered with each other for a while longer and both Hayden and Anna fell back asleep. Being a mother, I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake, listening.
It was a bit after two o’clock when I heard him come in and rattle in the kitchen a bit. A few minutes later I heard the shower turn on. That was unusual. We’d put a new expanded bath in upstairs to handle the additional traffic but he was using the shower downstairs. I pulled on my robe and went out to wait for him.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, Mom. I just got to feeling queasy again and thought a shower would help. I think it’s settling down.” I felt his forehead but it was hard to tell if he was feverish or just hot from the shower.
“Why didn’t you use your new shower upstairs?”
“I… uh… didn’t want to disturb the girls. I’m just not used to having a shower in my room, I guess.”
As far as I knew, Brian had only lied to me once. When Drew and the Kowalskis pushed him off his bike and stole his collection money, he’d maintained that he was chased by a dog. It had nearly destroyed him to lie to me that day and I could see the same panic reflected in his eyes now. I knew he would never back away from that story and resolved not to push him. As Hayden said, it was better to not drive a wedge in where none was merited.
“I think you just overdid it with those two last night before you got your strength back.” I caught a glimpse of Anna’s naked body retreating into our room. She’d apparently listened to some of our conversation. I think Brian saw her as well.
“It’s kind of hard not to overdo it with them sometimes.”
“Don’t I know it. Go back to bed and try to get some sleep this time.” I went back to bed and the arms of my lovers.
It wasn’t until two weeks later that the news broke identifying the body of Lester Hawkins as the murderer of Denise Raymond. Everyone gathered at our home and we lit a bonfire to commemorate the passing of Denise. Everyone was incredibly emotional. Teens weeping. Parents weeping. Holding our children who relived again the loss of their friend.
Even with Hayden and Anna to hold me, I didn’t sleep. I heard the phone make one sharp ring and reached for it before I realized it had stopped already. It was four-thirty. Only one person would ever call at that hour. I whispered a prayer of thanksgiving.
When I got up at six, I found a bowl of bread dough rising but no son. I punched it down and when it had risen again fully, I shaped it into loaves to put in the oven. About eight o’clock, I saw Samantha wheel into the driveway on her bicycle and head straight for the barn. That meant Jennifer and Courtney would soon be up as well.
Five minutes later, Brian came rushing into the kitchen.
“Mom? Did you put the bread in the oven?”
“Yes, honeybunch. Was it Hannah who called?”
“Yes, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t finish my job. I just thought I’d go brush the horses for a while and lost track of time.”
“I understand. When I got up and saw the bread overflowing its bowl I figured it out. It should be fine. Everyone is stirring. Jennifer and Courtney are showering upstairs. Dad and Anna have been out and got coffee. I think Anna’s in the shower.” I paused. What could I say to my son? “I won’t pry, Brian, but talk to me. About anything. This whole thing is a shock to us all and none of us expect you to endure the fresh wounds alone. I wasn’t here when you found out in May, but I’m here now and I love you, my son.”
I hugged him and we both cried. Then his whispered rasping voice broke the silence in my ears.
“He should have suffered. He should have cried for mercy. He should have had to relive her death a thousand times and know that was only the beginning.”
“And none of that would bring her back,” I whispered. “It’s over now, Brian. What is it that Whitney says to you? Be a rock. Let the waters of grief pass over you.”
I left him to get the bread out of the oven and rushed into the bedroom nearly pushing Anna aside as I went to the shower and turned it on as hot as I could stand it. I sank to floor and cried as the water beat down, praying that I, too, could be a rock and let the waters of grief pass over me.
In those few words… He should have… He should have… He should have…
I realized my precious baby boy, who I rocked in my arms and tried to protect from the evils of the world… My baby had killed a man.
End Part I
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