Romancing the Clown
4
What Kind of Fool Am I?
WE STARTED WORK in the morning. I had to acquire materials in order to modify the wagon. I didn’t dare make it too heavy because the axles and wheel hubs with leather bushings would wear out faster. We would be greasing the axles every mile or two and trying to keep them clear of dirt. Traveling by wagon was slow, but we estimated that it would be only two or three weeks to Mule Crossing where the damsel was supposedly recuperating from her accident.
While I worked on the wagon, Lees worked with the kids. She started them on basic self-defense. We decided it was more appropriate to our roles with Lees as my bodyguard than to have me teach them how to use weapons. By mid-morning, though, I started working with the two girls as Saul went with Lees. We began assembling the stage floor. I taught the girls some music and found that their voices were as perfect as I had imagined. They weren’t going to carry the show, though. First, I didn’t want to exploit them and turn them into little divas. Second, I needed to keep the emphasis off anyone who would be left behind when Lees and I returned to Crossroads. Instead, I taught them to be backup singers. We even got a little doo-wop going. The key was to have them able to improvise as I sang and performed.
As we gathered for dinner, we discussed the day and I suggested that tomorrow afternoon, the girls would help Lees on the wagon and I would work with Saul on his first magic trick. This excited all three of them. Then it was show time. As long as I was resident at the inn, I needed to keep entertaining at night. We would have a couple weeks of high profits as Gabe shuffled drinks and Molly served food with the help of the serving wench. Gabe had a long stick behind the bar and was liberal in applying it to hands that strayed to either woman’s derriere. Most of the clients were well-behaved.
And so it went for over a week as we worked, built our wagon, and trained our charges.
We’d had a good day and were ready for a fun evening. The sisters were doing well as my backup singers and Saul proved to be an adept acrobat, tumbling and clowning around. Lees and I had done one of our dumb shows, and although it was new for the audience, they seemed appreciative. We’d need to make it broader.
A young woman and her guardian were guests of the inn that night. It was unusual to find women traveling unescorted, but I was informed that their driver and bodyguard were rooming at the stable.
I was well into a new rendition of the Rapunzel Rap when the young woman stood and began to copy my drumbeats with her feet. Shortly, we were working together. I would set a beat with sticks on any convenient surface and she would answer with an equally complex pattern for me to mimic. We were having fun and got carried away. Before long, we were dancing together to the cheers and coin tosses of the crowded common room. Our kids were earning their keep by gathering the coins as they hit the floor.
We went later than usual, not saying goodnight to the last guest until near eleven o’clock.
“Legs, hie thee to bed now,” the older chaperone said. “The minstrel will think ill of you if you throw yourself at him.”
“Goodnight, Minstrel Lincoln,” the woman called Legs said to me. “I’ll see you at breakfast in the morning.” She then accompanied her guardian to the second room above. Lees and I gathered up our charges and carried them to bed. Gabe locked the doors and went home with his wife.
Once we had the children in bed—a room scarcely larger than a closet, but adequately supplied with blankets and a straw mattress—Lees dragged me into our room. She began stripping at once, something she hadn’t done since we arrived on Chaos.
“Goodnight, Minstrel Lincoln. I’ll see you at breakfast,” Lisa mimicked. “Or perhaps you’d like me for breakfast. I make a very good midnight snack.” Lisa had me out of my clothes and in her mouth in no time. I pulled her away from my cock and kissed her.
“I love you, Lisa. You needn’t worry about me falling for a Chaosian woman.”
“I’m not worried. I just wanted to remind you that I am here to take care of all your needs when you want me. And you could be taking care of some of mine. I would even make love to you now, but not until we have time to talk to Cadence. It’s one thing to agree in theory. Another entirely to have your mother fucking your boyfriend,” Lisa said. “As to Legs—can you believe that name?—what happens on Chaos and all that. We’ll be here for at least a month. If you want her and she wants you, what difference than if she were a damsel?”
“I believe there are rules about fucking the natives,” I laughed. “Lisa, as long as I have you, I have all I need on Chaos. I’m still worried about Cadence, though.”
“I am, too, my love,” she said as we cuddled into bed and began gently fondling each other. “We need to finalize our strategy for our return. We may have another damsel to rescue when we get back to Earth.”
“It would help if you would tell me what is really going on. Lisa, I’ve loved you since I met you. I’ve loved Cadence since she was born. But there has never been love between you and Wilson. What has finally changed that you were able to serve him with divorce papers at last?”
“Two things,” Lisa whispered. “Cadence turned eighteen. She will graduate from high school this weekend. Those are the terms of the will. The second is what makes them important. Her grandfather died.”
“When? I didn’t even know your parents were alive,” I said. I’d never heard them mentioned.
“Not my father. Her father’s father. Cadence is Al Pesciano’s granddaughter. When I got pregnant, Al was furious. His son Cosimo, my lover, was married and childless. I was sixteen and thought he was the most wonderful and beautiful man on earth. And he returned my affection. He was going to divorce his wife and marry me. Al forbade it.”
“This is the twenty-first century in America. How could he forbid his adult son from divorcing and marrying the woman of his dreams?” I said. Just from the look on Lisa’s face, I knew she had loved the man and she was the woman he dreamed of.
“Family is very important. Al was adamant that he would totally destroy his son if he dared disgrace the family. I believed he meant he would have his son killed. He had that kind of power, you know.” Lisa kissed me and for a long time I was unable to think about the origins of her love, so long ago. I wasn’t willing to let it slide, though.
“So that’s why you ran off and married Wilson?” I asked at last.
“We didn’t run off. Wilson worked for Al. No matter what you have heard, Al Pesciano was a shrewd businessman with many legitimate businesses. Wilson was employed in sales for one of his manufacturing firms. Al made him a deal he couldn’t refuse. If he’d marry me and stay with me, he would be his second in line of succession. First his son, then Wilson. Wilson agreed and became the heir of the heir.”
“That doesn’t explain why you put up with it.”
“Al always hedged his bets. I was sixteen years old and pregnant. He hauled Cos and I into his office and laid down the law. We were to have nothing more to do with each other. I was to marry Wilson. Cos was to stay married to his infertile wife. But there was one other bit of bait. If I would stay with Wilson and remain faithful to him until Cadence turned eighteen and graduated from high school, he would allow Cos to legitimize her and claim her as his heir. The visitors I received on Sunday were to let me know that Al was dead and to deliver his revised will naming Cadence as his heir.”
“Shit. What about her father? Cos?”
“Sadly, he died just a year after the bargain was made. It was very sudden and hit Al hard. I think Al regretted since that day that he didn’t make his son’s last days happy.”
“I’m so sorry, Lisa,” I said.
“Hey. Your midnight snack is ready.”
I saw Legs at breakfast in the morning and she was just as flirtatious as she had been the night before. Her guardian threatened to have her doused with cold water if she did not behave. Although severe in her threats, the older woman had a good sense of humor and reminded Lees and me that the same would apply to us.
I took the twins to work on the wagon and found a very different story there. Two men had my wagon up on blocks and were working at removing the rear axle.
“What goes here?” I demanded.
“Just stand aside, son,” one of the men said. “The Duke of High Castle has need of this to transport his niece.”
“Then his niece will have to ride next to me,” I said. “Get out from under my wagon.”
The man who had spoken drew his sword and faced me.
“Boy, don’t question and don’t interfere. I was trained as part of the Duke’s military force by the best swordsmen known on Chaos. You can live to find another axle or die trying to prevent us taking this one.”
“I see,” I said. I stepped back pushing the girls behind me. “It happens that I’ve already killed five trained by the Duke’s best swordsmen.” I whipped out my sword. “Perhaps I should make it six.” He attacked at once and I recognized the same style and flair exhibited by Rapist so many months ago. I’d easily bested four of the five in the bar—Lees had dispatched the fifth—but only one of them had even had a chance to draw his sword. This was honestly the first time I was head to head in a swordfight. And he was good. He anticipated a quick victory, though, and found himself hard pressed to maintain the fight. Like most swordsmen of the planet, he was trained to move in and kill at once, not to fence.
I was momentarily distracted when my twins began a chant behind me, harmonizing a soundtrack to the clanging of our swords. Their voices, however, spooked my assailant. It was as if he suddenly found himself in an enchanted battle with no way to win. He began to fall back.
“Cease this nonsense at once!” a voice shrilled from the door of the stable. I recognized the voice and cautiously stepped back, keeping my sword at the ready. The guard did not press for an opening, but stepped back warily. “What is going on here?” Legs demanded imperiously.
“This boy has interfered in replacing our axle,” the guard said.
“This brigand is robbing my wagon of an axle,” I replied. I slapped the fellow under my wagon with the flat of my sword and he scrambled out from under the wagon.
“Just doing my job, your highness,” he said.
“You are stealing from a minstrel?” Legs said.
“We have the right to take what is necessary to repair your carriage, milady,” the guard said. “He is interfering.”
“And do you think my uncle would look kindly on you doing battle with a minstrel?” Legs exclaimed. “Can you imagine what a laughingstock would be made of him from the sea to King Sid’s domain? If you won, his guard slew a minstrel. No one would ever trade with High Castle again. There would never be entertainment and he would be vilified by every minstrel in the land until someone took umbrage enough to attack and conquer him. And if you lost, he would be ridiculed for not being able to train a soldier even capable of defeating a minstrel. He earns his keep by training soldiers. Not one would ever come to him again. How stupid can you be?”
“But my lady, we need an axle,” he said, still trying to justify his position.
“Then go make one!” she screamed, stamping her foot. “If we are lucky, the minstrel will bear no ill will toward us and will escort us to my uncle’s house. Apologize!” The guard groaned, but turned to me and nodded his head.
“My apologies, Minstrel. We did not know the wagon belonged to so worthy a personage.”
“And you!” Legs said, addressing the mechanic. “Get back under that wagon and repair the damage you have done!”
“Yes, milady,” he said. He looked at me doubtfully as he started under the wagon but I nodded and he set to work.
“And Minstrel Lincoln,” Legs continued, turning her wrath on me. “If you are quite finished humiliating my guard and my driver, perhaps we could discuss a mutually beneficial means of travel to High Castle, where I can assure you, you will be warmly welcomed. Would you care to join me?”
I bowed slightly to her and scowled at both the guard and driver who looked exasperated and defeated. Legs took my arm and directed me out of the stable. Her guardian and my twins fell in behind us. We’d no more than hit the street than the twins started harmonizing vocalese, creating a soundtrack for our trek through the market to the inn.
I found her name was Allegra. She’d come by the nickname Legs because of her love of dance.
“And I have great legs, if you are interested,” she whispered in my ear. “I’ll show you if you’d like.” Oh, fuck!
We entered the inn and Raphe shook his head.
“Are those freeloaders back?” a shrill voice called as she entered. “Raphe, stand up for yourself and demand payment!”
“Woman! Get under the bar and do your duty for your lord and master,” Raphe demanded. The woman froze for a moment. She was beautiful, though older than Raphe. So, this was the former wife of the mayor and mother of the rapist I skewered. I could see what attracted him to her. She was spilling out of her clothes. She gave a nervous look at us and nodded. Then she disappeared under the bar. Raphe leaned against it and smiled at us.
“Is she sucking your cock?” exclaimed Legs. Raphe looked innocently at the princess.
“Oh, no ma’am,” he said. “She’s scrubbing the floor.” The sudden sucking in of Raphe’s breath and sigh was all the indication that we needed that his woman had a unique method of scrubbing. We sat at the table and a moment later Lees and Saul came tumbling through the back door, wrestling. They rolled to their feet facing each other and then noticed us sitting there. Lees whistled a sharp and piercing note. Saul stood straight and bowed to him. Lees returned the gesture and motioned him to the table where the previously occupied floor-scrubber served us trenchers of lentil soup with chunks of lamb floating in it.
“Master Minstrel,” the guardian began after a nudge from Legs. “It appears that we are journeying in the same direction. I am told you are setting off for Mule Crossing, a despicable little place, if I may say so. But, High Castle, our destination, is on the way. As you are now aware, Her Grace, Allegra, is journeying there to meet with her uncle the Duke. Her Grace would like to propose that we travel together. While her banner and guard afford some level of protection, there is always greater safety in greater numbers.”
“That sounds like a possibility,” I said. “However, we are in the process of outfitting our wagon and might not be ready to travel as soon as you are.”
“By the time those idiots fashion a new axle for my carriage, you are certain to be ready,” Legs said in disgust.
“And what is the benefit to this poor minstrel?” Saul put in. I looked at the boy. He was intent on the conversation and Lees nodded at him. “It seems that you benefit greatly from the company of a minstrel,” Saul continued. “Especially since his bodyguard could undoubtedly dispatch half your uncle’s army by himself. There should be some benefit to him for offering you the shelter of his good grace.” I was impressed. I needed to have a long talk with Saul.
“Yes,” the guardian humphed. “And he could dispatch the other half.” She glared at the boy, but nonetheless spoke directly to him. It was apparent the negotiations had shifted and we were no longer included. “Is it money you want? You must know it would be foolish for us to travel with a great amount of coin.”
“Of course it would,” Saul said. “Hence your refusal to pay for your room last night. Yet you do not wish to sleep in the stable, eh?”
“I’m certain the Duke’s credit is good here,” she said.
“Service performed for service rendered,” the boy responded.
“And you wish to service me?” she said in surprise.
“I am not yet of an age where that would satisfy either of us. However, the lady does a pretty dance,” Saul declared.
“You wish for her to dance for her supper?”
“She did last night. I separated out the coins tossed so there was adequate to pay for your lodging last night. When Innkeeper Gabe arrives this afternoon, he will straighten out the misunderstanding with his brother this morning. It seems that the lady has earned her name: Legs.”
“There must be no other expectation on the part of either gentleman in your company regarding her… performance,” the guardian stated.
“And those in your party must also agree not to treat the young ladies in our company inappropriately,” he said nodding to his sisters. On cue, they burst out into a harmonic song that captivated us for a minute.
“This agreement must terminate when we reach High Castle,” the guardian insisted. “It cannot be construed as an agreement to travel farther in each other’s company.”
“No. The agreement terminates when we leave High Castle,” Saul shot back. “The minstrel will continue on his journey, but while we remain in High Castle, Legs must continue to dance with us.”
The guardian glanced toward her charge. I saw Legs lower her eyes. “Done and done,” the guardian said. She and Saul spit in their hands and shook on the deal. We had traveling companions.
In the matter of three days we had grown from a minstrel and his aide to a company of fools.
But work progressed on both wagons. I helped the guard and driver select a good axletree and they assisted in building the show wagon with me while the axle was being turned. I had a second axletree turned by the millwright as well. They were heavy, but seeing the predicament the royals were in left me thinking that spare parts were a necessity. We had enough rawhide to replace bushings and grease to keep them lubricated. We worked hard in the daytime and sang and danced at night. I was quite exhausted by the time I got to bed and cuddled up to Lisa at night.
“Minstrel Lincoln,” a small voice said in the dark of our room. I rolled from my bed with sword in hand. Lisa sat upright with a knife cocked back in her hand. “It’s me, Melody,” said the voice.
“And Harmony,” said a second.
“We are sorry to disturb your sleep,” they said together. Even such a simple phrase was beautiful as their voices harmonized perfectly.
“We need to show you something before we start the journey tomorrow,” Melody said. “Will you come to the stable with us?”
“Where is your brother?”
“Asleep. He does not know this secret. But you may wish to change things before we depart.”
Lisa and I rolled out of bed and quickly dressed in the dark. Thank heavens it was dark. We were not ready to reveal to the children that Lees was not a man. We followed the twins and quietly unlatched the back door. It’s easy to forget what a city looks like with no streetlights. We were downtown and still had an array of stars above us that were brilliant if unfamiliar. Once at the stable, Melody and Harmony went directly to the torch and struck a flint. The torch flickered to life after only a couple tries. Lees picked it up and carried it to our wagon.
It was beautiful, even in the torchlight. It was painted with flowers and a bold scrawl announced “Minstrel Lincoln’s Traveling Show.” The girls led us into the wagon.
“We saw Uncle remove this board,” Melody said.
“We aren’t strong enough to unfasten it,” Harmony added. “There are latches on either side.” I motioned Lees back to watch as I felt around under the seat of the wagon. Indeed, once I was looking for them, I discovered hidden latches that freed the board. When I removed it, I motioned for the torch and held it where I could see what was there. In addition to a few swords and bows, there were canvas bags. Each bag held coins. Pinches, quads, shells, and even conchs. Eschewing all sign of wealth, Uncle had acquired coins. And he had been very successful at it. There were four heavy bags.
“Lees, I think we’ll leave one here for emergencies. Let’s take three with us. I’ll take one to the bank tomorrow morning and deposit it. We’ll leave two with Gabe and Raphe and have them deposit a little at a time. No sense drawing undue attention to wealth.” He nodded agreement. We doused the torch and I carried two bags while Lees carried one back to the inn. When we secured the bags in our room, the girls turned to go.
“We won’t tell anyone,” Melody said.
“You’ve done a good job of keeping it a secret until now,” I agreed.
“We mean about the two of you,” Harmony said. “It’s okay with us, but Legs would be disappointed.”
“And Saul would get nervous,” giggled Melody. The girls scampered out of the room and quietly into their own to sleep with their brother.
“Oh my,” Lisa said. “They think we are two men having relations.” She looked at me and sputtered out a snort. “If they only knew!”
I pulled her into my arms and showed her what relations we could have.
We made a visit to the bank in the morning. Our revised plan was to deposit one bag, put one bag in our safe deposit box, and leave one bag with the brothers at the inn. While I had my box open, I took my canes, as well. When I left the bank, Lees raised an eyebrow. Frankly, of all the weapons I was now trained with, the canes were still my favorite and I decided not to go on without them.
We went directly to the stable and looked over our rig. We hitched the four horses that came with the wagon. They weren’t much to look at but were sturdy. Our matched black horses danced behind and looked resplendent in their gaily colored blankets. They even had a motley cap and blinders on. Periodically, we would swap out two horses at a time in the traces. The royal carriage was also decked out. It was much lighter weight and could have made the trip in half the time it would take our show cart to move. Their horses had colorful blankets as well, sewn by Guardian. She had become an enthusiastic participant in our little charade. Lees and the other guard rode horses ahead and behind our little column as I drove the show cart with the children and Legs’ driver guided the carriage. A few people turned out near the edge of town to wave and wish us well. I was pleased that we made close to ten miles the first day we were out and camped.
We rehearsed our skits and music as we built our camp. The bodyguard was not happy about camping on the open road, but he became very interested when Lees began working with the children on their self-defense. He soon asked if he could join in the class. Lees, Bodyguard, Driver, and I set a watch schedule. Sometime I would learn their names. With four of us, we all got sleep and it was a peaceful night.
We were only five more miles from the next village and rolled into town just after the noon meal. We immediately set up in the center of town and by the time I had the stage open, a small crowd had gathered. We sang a couple of songs before Lees and I did a Punch and Judy type routine that was filled mainly with pratfalls. I walked around on my canes and whenever possible tripped Lees, knocked him over, or bopped him on the head, much to the delight and laughter of the audience. Whenever Lees turned to look at me, I was the picture of innocence, a poor cripple who could never hurt a fly.
Finally, I played and sang while Legs danced. Saul strode around the crowd with a hat collecting coins. He was under strict rules not to lift any purses. That would be all we needed!
It was quickly agreed with the innkeeper that we could sing for our supper, but we maintained a guard on our wagons and slept in our camp at the edge of town rather than in the inn. Legs was not particularly happy about spending the night on the ground with a perfectly good bed nearby, but she accepted the necessity and at first light in the morning, we were pushing farther south.
Over the next few days, we performed in every village and sang at every inn. After we’d left that first little village, we began to encounter patrols on a regular basis. These two-man patrols were always courteous and friendly. Many knew Bodyguard and I was certain that news of our approach would precede us to High Castle. Indeed, a mile before we reached the gates of the citadel, an honor guard of twenty horsemen with banners flying met us and escorted us through the gates of the fortress.
High Castle was unlike Rock Canyon City. Rock Canyon was a bustling trade center with a population of about 2,000. High Castle certainly had a business district and homes with a similar population, but most of the population were soldiers. It sat at the farthest southern frontier of what were considered the civilized lands—by the locals.
The Duke’s soldiers patrolled along the Risk River for several miles east and west, and north as far as each of the major trade centers. The soldiers came from these trade centers as recruits and served a five-year term in exchange for training, food, and lodging. They received a modest stipend, but in general, the result was a more highly trained local militia in each of the trade centers. When a traveler continued north into the more populated territories of central and eastern Chaos, he was more likely to be accosted by brigands than in any of the areas of the frontier.
Duke Niccolò met us in front of the keep where there was an open square for the morning market. He greeted Legs with a kiss on each cheek and Guardian with considerably more warmth. Hmm. Then he turned to our tiny entourage.
“Minstrel Lincoln, your fame precedes you,” the Duke intoned. “We hope you will consider a short stay in our citadel to entertain the troops and local families.” I wasn’t sure, but I thought I detected a slight emphasis on the word ‘short.’
“Your Highness,” I said sweeping off my hat and bowing deeply. Lees and the children mimicked my gesture. “I hope our simple entertainments find favor in your court.”
“It is not much of a court,” the Duke laughed. “My sister, Carlotta, however, will be disappointed that she did not accept my invitation when she hears who our guest is. My thanks for taking my niece under your wing.”
“My pleasure,” I responded. “Shall we set up for a show here in the square?”
“Let us have a casual evening in the hall this evening,” he said. “You have journeyed far and deserve your rest before you are forced to perform. Of course, if you should happen to spontaneously burst out in song after dinner, that would be most welcome.” He laughed and I couldn’t help but like the guy. Very different than what I expected after having met five of his trainees on my first visit to Rock Canyon. We were shown to a comfortable room for the five in my ‘family’ and Legs promised she would meet us at dinner. She sealed that promise with a light kiss on my cheek.
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