Things I Never Told My Wife
True confessions of a Shakespearean actor
Chapter 16
WE CELEBRATED Shelly’s third birthday by going to the zoo. The celebration was for Billy, too, but he hadn’t yet realized that his birthday was any different than any other day. Shelly had it figured out.
“Next year we could go on a vacation,” Daphne mused. “I think the kids would be old enough for some fun experiences without completely running us ragged trying to look out for them.”
“This is a good time of year to go. I’ll tell June to keep my schedule clear for the last half of August. I have to be back for freshman orientation, which is either Labor Day weekend or the weekend before. Labor Day isn’t until the seventh this year so it will be the weekend before and we’ll have a full week of classes before the holiday. Last year, classes started the day after Labor Day.”
“It seems strange to be organizing things around school years instead of theatre seasons. But in another year, Shelly will start preschool and be on much the same schedule as you,” Daphne said, hugging my arm as we walked. Shelly and Billy were so exhausted from our day at the zoo they were both asleep in the stroller. Daphne just glowed with the joy of motherhood. There was nothing in her life more important than raising our kids.
“What are you going to do with yourself once the kids are both in school?” I asked.
“Teach.”
“What?”
“I figure if you can teach, it can’t be that hard,” she giggled. “I’ve been taking online courses to get my degree. It will be a little tight on schedules in the beginning. I’ll need to do internships and student teaching. I figure whoever is my mother’s helper then will have to be responsible for the kids right after school and you’ll need to help get them off to school if I have to go in early. But you never have early classes anyway.”
“I’m glad you warned me! I think it’s cool that you want to become a teacher. God knows we need more teachers. I was almost sure you’d want to homeschool the kids.”
“We talked about that but I think school is important to their socialization and leadership ability. You should see how Shelly organizes the playgroup. And she’s always teaching Billy some new trick she learned. He’s going to be very upset when she goes off to school a year before him.”
“That will definitely be a problem. Just watching them look at the zoo was an experience today.” We reached the car and I loaded the two sleepy kids into their car seats.
I had only a small part to play in freshman orientation. I made a presentation about the theatre department and recited the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V. It’s a rousing motivational speech from Act IV, scene iii. I used it both to inspire the students and to show a sample of Shakespeare as I announced we would be producing The Taming of the Shrew for our spring show. In addition to that, I was the host at the theatre table and as we gathered students, I assigned some of our veterans to show them the department.
“You’re getting on fine here,” Jon said when he got to our display table. “I guess it’s my turn to host the table. I don’t want new students to think all we do is Shakespeare.”
“I hardly think they’d believe that.”
“Nice job on the St. Crispin’s Day speech. Oh, by the way, I’ve tapped Traci to play Laura in The Glass Menagerie. We start rehearsals next week.”
“Oh. I was going to…”
“I know. You plan to use her in Shrew. But I don’t want a talented actress to leave our school thinking she is only a comic character actress. We have few students who pull such a range of talents together. Don’t forget that. Still… I have to ask: Do you think she’s ready to play Kate?”
“No. Never intended her to. I have her down as my choice for Sly.”
“Really? I thought you would want her for a much larger role.”
“By the time I’m done with it, she’ll think she had the lead.”
“This I’ve got to see. Hurry on home to your wife and kids. Classes start Tuesday and none of us will get any rest then.” Jon motioned me away and I headed home for the rest of the holiday weekend.
“Hey, Terry. Unless you have an objection, you get me as your TA this year.” I turned to greet my new assistant. I wouldn’t be confusing him for anything but a teaching assistant.
“Richard. Welcome. Can’t think of anyone better for the job off the top of my head. As long as you keep me supplied with coffee in the mornings and don’t let me get lost or late, we’ll get along fine. Here. I’ve filled a Starbucks card for my coffee. It will be much easier than keeping track of petty cash.”
“You’ve got it. I’m really looking forward to being your AD on Shrew. I hope you’ll let me do that.”
“Really? I assumed you would be one of the five hundred auditioning for Petruchio.”
“You gave me a shot at a Shakespeare lead as Valentine in Two Gentlemen last year. I love the acting, but I was really impressed by the way you choreographed the show. I can let someone else have a shot at the lead in Shrew if I can watch how you direct this one.”
“It should be interesting. We’ll be working on concept and production notes starting now. I’d like you to set up a meeting with Jim Mason who’ll be designing and tech directing the show. Order the scripts this week. We’ll use the Samuel French edition.”
“How many?”
“Look it up and count. Make sure we have a few extras. If you see Traci ask her to stop by and visit me at her convenience. If you don’t see her this week, post a note on the call board.”
“Right. Got it. Set a meeting. Order scripts. Find Traci. You sure don’t waste time before tossing a guy into the deep end.”
“It’s only just begun, Richard. I need to get to class now.”
“Terry! Help me!” Traci burst into my office, looked frantically around, and flopped back into Richard’s chair. “I don’t know how to act! How can I play Laura? She isn’t funny. She’s such a dweeb.”
“Wow!” I started laughing.
“What’s so funny? I thought you wanted to talk to me to rescue me from the clutches of that awful director!”
“Have you been in his clutches?” I was a little concerned.
“No,” she sighed. “He’s really nice. And he’s patiently trying to coach me through this stuff. I just feel so out of my depth. How was your summer?”
“Wretched,” I grinned. “I played Petruchio for a director whose ideas for the character are polar opposite of mine and then, while I was performing, I had to teach high school students the rudiments of acting. How was yours?”
“I waited tables at IHOP.”
“You can’t be a real actress if you don’t wait tables at least once in your career.”
“What did you want to see me about?”
“I want you to take a part in The Taming of the Shrew that will take you longer than the rest of the cast to prepare for. I’m wondering if you are up to it with the production schedule for Glass Menagerie. And, of course, if you are interested.”
“I’m interested. It would be hard to put any real time in on it until we open on the fifteenth next month. I could meet for a briefing, though. Then I could start thinking about what you want. Do I get to clown?”
“More than you’ve ever done before.”
“Oh, goody! When can we meet?”
I agreed with Jon. Traci needed to play some straight roles. I even had one in mind for next year’s Shakespeare that would challenge her. But this year, I wanted to break new ground. I started off meeting with Jim Mason the next week. He was deep in construction for Menagerie, but his concept was pretty simple, so he had no difficulty working with me at the same time. Richard sat in on the meeting.
“What I’ve got in mind is a kind of gypsy show cart. We’d have some limited scenery representing the pub, but all the other roles will be played by the traveling troupe. When they spot Sly, they immediately start opening their cart up into a stage. All the props are in the wagon and it is set up as they transport Sly to the bedroom, which I envision is downstage and easily removed when Sly moves to the Lord’s chair onstage. I’m going to use Sly throughout the show as a participant in the action, often getting in the way of the actors or executing a bit of stage business that is called for. The letch will constantly be trying to get his hands on the women of the play, not just the one playing his wife.”
“That could be hilarious. What ever inspired you to think of this?”
“An invisible dog.”
“Traci. You’ve already cast her?”
“If she’ll take the part. She’ll be maneuvering a huge puppet, not actually doing the action herself. I’m meeting with her Friday.”
“Do you want props to work on the puppet?”
“Let me talk to her before we decide that. She has quite a range of puppets she’s created herself. She might want to at least do the design and will probably need a workspace in the props shop. Of course, she won’t be able to do much until Menagerie is down.”
“I think this will be fun. I’m going to put Tom Blankenship on designing the cart. He is to me as a designer what Traci is to you as an actor. He’s a senior and I’ve been trying to figure out a good graduation project for him.”
“If you’re satisfied with him, I am.”
“I’ll keep an eye on what he designs and make sure everything works. I’m going to have him sketch some plans and do at least one rendering. We’ll plan to meet with you in two weeks. After you review and approve a sketch, I’ll have him build a scale model and draft blueprints. Since it is going to be an integral part of the action, I’d like to have it ready to work with when you start rehearsing. The bed and backdrop we can do afterward.”
“Thanks, Jim. Richard, coordinate the appointment with Jim and Tom in two weeks. Check Traci’s schedule and see if she can make the same meeting.”
“Yessir.”
I have to admit I was a little disappointed that I’d drawn a male as my TA this year. I had no excuse for that aside from wanting a sexy girl to share my office. How shallow can I get? Nonetheless, I had to hand it to Richard. He was johnny-on-the-spot with everything I asked, including having my coffee for me in the morning.
Of course, there were plenty of other pretty women in the department and around the college. This whole college was not much bigger than a good-sized high school. As a result, I got a few kids in my classes who weren’t even theatre people but thought an acting or movement class would be fun. One of those was Ashley.
Ashley was an Amazon princess. Tall, busty, and fierce. In fact, think Lucy Lawless as Xena: Warrior Princess. That was a show I seldom missed if I could swing it. I was in lust for Xena. As was half the male population of America. Ashley came to my very physical stage movement class and she was ready. She wore yoga pants and a crop top that hugged those boobs like I wanted to. And she was ripped. Flat stomach and muscles that rippled in her arms and legs. Fuck me!
“What brings you to this class, Ashley? It’s unusual to have a graphic design student in a stage movement class.”
“Oh. Sorry about that. It has nothing to do with the stage. I needed a workout and this class is the closest thing to a PE class as you can get on campus without being a dancer. And I’m not a dancer.”
I laughed. She really put it in perspective. I was essentially a gym teacher. Well, I wasn’t going to let her down. In fact, she might have inspired a little tougher workouts than what I’d normally give students in that class. I’d definitely make sure everyone was sweating when they left class. Fortunately, the class was late in the day and most of them could get back to the dorm for a shower before dinner.
What I was discovering, though, was that even if she wasn’t a dancer, she could move as directed. I also saw some positive interactions in class. There seemed to be a competition regarding carrying out my instructions and expanding their physicality.
“Richard,” I said one afternoon. “Why are people so much more intense this year than last year? I’m seeing it in all three of my classes. Beginning Acting, Stage Movement, and Audition Preparation. Last year people were stumbling around a lot.”
“Last year, no one really knew anything about you nor about how you’d direct Shakespeare. We hadn’t had a Shakespeare play here in a few years, I guess. And contrary to what people think about our generation, we pay attention. It was clear that some—not all—of the plum roles in Gentlemen went to people in your classes. This year, everyone in your class is treating it like an extended audition to get into Shrew,” he said.
I’ll be damned! Did I really show favoritism toward my students in casting my show? I guess I might have tended toward people who I knew over those who auditioned cold for me. Traci had been in the Intro to Acting class. I’d certainly seen something I liked there but she’d blown everyone away with her audition. I hadn’t seen much in the way of other actors when I cast. Jon’s first semester shows tended to be limited cast that he could work with and mount a production in short order. Dan Richardson’s musicals were bigger productions than Shakespeare but I hadn’t seen any of the musicals before I had to cast Gentlemen. I just needed to be careful. I wasn’t going to let up on any of my classes, though. If they wanted to treat this like an audition, I’d make them work for it.
“You want me to do what?” Traci’s mouth was hanging open when I told her the concept. “Am I going to be a mime?”
“Oh God, no! I mean, nothing wrong with miming if that’s what you’re into, but I’m really looking for the clown. You’ve done so well at animating inanimate objects, I thought you might like this.”
“I love it! And I can design my own puppet?”
“You’ll have help in the props shop if you want it. I’d like to have a fair amount of input so I’d like to see designs before you actually start building.”
“Yeah. I can do that. I’ve got an idea already. I might flunk all the rest of my classes. Do you mind?”
“I don’t want to get a reputation for taking too much of a student’s time, so yes, I do mind. Pace yourself and don’t let your studies or your other role suffer. If nothing else, we’ll have all of the holiday break to work on it.”
“This will be so much fun! Thank you, Terry!” She jumped out of her chair and kissed me on the cheek before scampering out the door. Mmm. That’s nice.
By the time auditions rolled around, Traci had created her doll—with a lot of help from the props shop. Tom Blankenship had designed the perfect gypsy show wagon. It had multiple configurations and was easy to move on stage. At its widest open format, it was twelve feet by eighteen feet. When it was all closed up, it was six feet wide by twelve feet long and stood nine feet tall. He’d also built in undercarriage casters that allowed the unit to be moved in ways it would not normally move on four straight wheels. It would also lock into the backdrop scenery to give it the appearance of a thrust stage on top of a thrust stage. And despite its complexity and weight, four of my gypsy actors could move it around with ease. Brilliant.
I focused the auditions on the principal roles with also-rans taking on a number of the lesser roles. I had Traci read for some of the roles but we did not expose the doll in open auditions. Or the wagon. This was about reading and moving in the ways I told them. And I got a surprising result.
The non-actor Ashley auditioned with amazing diction and great movement. She’d paid attention in class and apparently worked with someone else on how to audition. She was a natural choice for Kate. The drawback was that she was nearly six feet tall. I only had one actor who was taller than she was and I wasn’t pleased with either his readings or his movement. I’m six-two and I could have played her Petruchio, but this was a student cast. I decided to emphasize the height of the Amazon and cast Gary Horst opposite her as Petruchio. Gary scarcely topped five-six and was surprised as hell when he was cast in the leading role. He looked up at Ashley with knees knocking. Now all I need to do is turn him into a strutting banty rooster for him to take control of the Amazon.
We held our first rehearsal in The Box and people were amazed at the rolling stage. They were blown away by Traci’s casting as Sly. They all assumed she’d be Kate or I’d use her as a comic servant. I did cast women in some of those male roles. We still didn’t expose the doll. The rehearsal was a read-through and we set the rehearsal schedule from there. I kept the myth of Sly as a disappearing minor role until the beginning of the third week. Of course, I’d already worked with Traci on her blocking and developed bits of business with her. What hadn’t happened yet was integrating her with the rest of the action.
We spent two entire rehearsals with the cast laughing so hard they could scarcely read their lines. The show was on the road to opening in just four more weeks.
It’s utter chaos when a show moves into a new theatre for the first time. ACT was beautiful and we had the assistance of their union stage crew working with the students. We had move-in on Sunday, tech rehearsals on Monday, and first dress rehearsal on Tuesday. That’s when the shit hit the fan.
I’d reviewed all the costume designs and had even toured the costume shop to see the finished costumes. Supposedly, everyone in the cast had been fitted and the costumes were all ready. Unfortunately, there were still a couple of actors being sewn into their costumes when the rehearsal was scheduled to start. It wasn’t that unusual for a first dress rehearsal to start late, but I was surprised when Richard came running up to me just when we were supposed to start.
“Terry, we have a problem. Ashley won’t come out of the dressing room. She says she has to talk to you first.”
“Talk to me? She can’t be getting cold feet just because it’s a dress rehearsal. Get me a fresh coffee and I’ll go talk to her. Start people warming up. We need to get this shitshow started.” I stormed off to the dressing room. When I arrived, two panicked costumers ducked out the door as I entered. Ashley turned to face me. God! She was beautiful!
“Terry! This isn’t at all like what they gave me to rehearse in. Do you really plan to have my boobs fall out of the costume when Petruchio picks me up? If that’s what you want, I’ll do it, but you could have warned me!” She bent over and straightened up. Both boobs had popped out over the top of her costume. Oh, shit! I was too stunned to speak for a minute as she defiantly glared at me. Then she pulled the bodice up.
“Ashley, as attractive as that is, it’s not what I intended and I don’t think the school is ready for it. What did costumes say?”
“They said they thought I was bigger and they couldn’t fix it now. They gave me this.” She held out a roll of tape. For more than a generation, men had been following the time-honored fix-it slogan, ‘If it doesn’t move and should, WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, duct tape.’ This wasn’t duct tape but the effect would be the same. It would stop something from moving that shouldn’t.
“Is there a problem with that?”
“I don’t like having them playing with my boobs. Here.” She handed me the tape and pulled the costume down away from her breasts.
“You know I’m going to need to touch in order to do this, too?”
“Yeah. I’m giving you permission. Enjoy it.”
We were already fifteen minutes past time to start the rehearsal. Richard had everyone else on stage warming up. I approached Ashley, tearing a piece of the double stick fabric tape from the roll. I deliberately pressed it straight across her nipple. She gasped.
“It’s going to take more than one piece of tape to hold this up,” I said, tearing off another.
“And it’s going to hurt like hell pulling it off!” she gasped. “You’re responsible for this. You stuck it on. You’ll have to pull it off.”
It took several minutes to get enough tape on her breasts to hold the costume securely. She bent over and did several twisting movements to confirm that it would stay in place. I had to admit, the audience would be on the edge of their seats to see if she would pop out.
We finally got the rehearsal started half an hour late and it ran nearly three hours with missed cues and forgotten lines. It would be a miracle if it was ready for opening in two days. Still, I could see how funny a show it would be if they could pull it together. And after rehearsal, Ashley waited for everyone else to clear out of the dressing room so I could come in and remove the tape as gently as possible from her boobs.
And kiss them to make them feel better.
The audience dress rehearsal Wednesday night was open to students and faculty, all of whom got in free. There were close to two hundred in the four hundred capacity theatre. I used one of the star private dressing rooms, which we normally did not use for our performances, to tape Ashley’s boobs into her costume. And blatantly fondle them in the process.
“That really gets me charged up to go on stage,” she whispered. “I’ll see you later.”
And by some miracle, the show pulled together. There were a couple of rough moments. Sly’s doll lost its head once. She managed to grab it and slam it back onto the stick that was supposed to stick up inside and give her control. It generated some laughter but it wasn’t the kind I wanted repeated. She took the doll home with her and worked half the night on it.
For my part, I met Ashley in the private dressing room and carefully undressed her. And kissed her. And fondled her breasts. And kissed the nipples. All the while, we were watching the clock to make sure she could make it into the women’s dressing room and get changed before everyone had cleared out.
By the second week, we were both hungry for each other and got to the theatre early just to give us a little more time. By closing night, she was stroking me close to orgasm as I dressed her.
When the final curtain fell, we were all happy to have it over but sad that it was over. If you’re not in theatre, you probably don’t understand, and I’m not going to explain it. There was a reception in the lobby with everyone still in costume and then a cast party at Jon’s house. Ashley caught my eye and headed to the private dressing room. A couple of minutes later, I followed.
Ashley was all over me when I walked in and locked the door. I removed the tape between kisses and held those perfect boobs in my hands as she unfastened my belt and zipper. She stood up straight and reached behind her to unfasten the dress. It pooled at her feet leaving her in nothing but her performance slippers.
“You’ve been teasing me for two weeks, Terry. Do it! Do me!” she bent over the dressing table and I stepped up behind her with my cock pressing toward the beautiful bare slit she exposed.
“Are you protected?”
“Yeah. Just make me come before you do!” I did my best. I had to clap my hand over her mouth so she didn’t alert the entire theatre to her impending orgasm. And then I filled that gorgeous pussy with my spunk. Of course, I wasn’t really worried about getting her pregnant. I’d been shooting blanks since just before Billy was born. I still automatically asked.
She pulled her dress back on and I zipped it. I had my pants on before she slipped out the door and into the women’s dressing room.
All through the party at Jon’s, I’d caught glimpses of her with the other actors. Traci was being entertaining with her doll. I thought it was a little too suggestive when Traci kept following Ashley around with her doll and attempting to hump her. Eventually, Ashley turned around and pulled the smaller girl into a clinch with the doll between them. The kiss she laid on Traci wasn’t much hotter than the one Traci responded with.
I thought maybe I’d be seeing Ashley a few more times before graduation but it turned out that the kiss with Traci had changed the game. The two were a couple by Monday morning. For the first time, I’d lost a lover to another woman!
Of course, I never told my wife about that.
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