Pussy Pirates
Chapter 23
Month 144—Christmas aboard Confederacy Navy ship Sleeping Beauty Castle.
“I DON’T LIKE THEM,” XO Lt. Anders grumbled when Captain Poindexter pointed out the strange satellites around the northern hemisphere of Earth. “Where do they come from?”
“Hard to say. They flit in on a hyperbubble and use impulse drives to circle for four to six hours. At that time, another trio pops into their orbit and they pop out. We’ve been watching for four days and they never vary, as if they were on patrol,” Poindexter said. “The AI paints them as benign and unarmed.”
“We should get a closer look,” The XO answered.
“I agree. Helm, set an intercept course toward bogies Mica Seven.”
“Course set.”
“Ahead at fifty percent.”
“Fifty percent. Aye Captain.”
It wasn’t an attack run but the course would put them on track to intercept the three capsule-like satellites in about an hour.
«Captain, be advised the objects you are intercepting are non-hostile. Please describe your intent.»
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Bea. This is a training exercise to investigate a foreign object.”
«Command Central directive N475 advises all ships to ignore these satellites.»
“Even Command Central will be happy to have more information on things in their space. Besides, we were too far away to get a piece of the Swarm when they visited. The crew is getting impatient and needs a training exercise.” The AI stopped objecting since N475 was an advisory and not an order. It was curious about the objects itself. When the Castle was a thousand kilometers away from the capsules, the three objects slowed and reoriented to face the Confederacy ship.
“Captain, we are being hailed,” the Coms officer said.
“Patch it through.”
“Confederacy Navy vessel Sleeping Beauty Castle. This is Anouilh Pussy Pirate 007, Captain KC Cutie. Please state your purpose for intercepting our patrol.”
“Pussy Pirate? You’ve got to be kidding me,” the XO laughed.
“Pussy, we just want a better look at you. No need to be alarmed. Just spread your legs and let us see,” laughed the Captain.
“Gamma Flight, spread ’em,” snapped KC’s command. Whatever the Captain’s anticipated response, it was not the triad moving apart and orienting on his ship from three different directions.
“Captain, we’re being pinged by all three, establishing range and thrust. It looks like the same strategy Swarm use with three ships triangulating on one of ours.”
“Sound General Quarters!” the Captain yelled. As the klaxon rang and crew scrambled, Poindexter turned to his weapons officer. “What’s the status of the StarSparrow turret?” The Castle carried an external mount for StarSparrow missiles and one for a point defense laser.
“Manned, loaded, and ready, Captain.”
“Nav, give control to weapons. Bring us to bear on bogey one.”
“Targeting bogey one,” Weapons said. “Target locked.”
“Estimated time on target?”
“Thirty seconds from launch.”
“So, they have plenty of time to get out of the way. Fire!”
“Missile away.”
“Captain, sensors indicate three more bogies popping in from hyperspace. They are positioned between us and the first three.”
“Same configuration?”
“No, sir. These are… Holy shit! It just ate our missile.”
“Captain, we’re being fired on. I think.”
“What do you mean you think?”
“They are passing around the missile. In one and out another. They’re playing with us. They just keep getting closer and closer. Here it comes! IFF identifying Friend.”
Five hundred kilometers ahead of their ship, the missile exploded.
“Confederacy ship Sleeping Beauty Castle. This is Captain Dakota Wind of the Anouilh Space Ship St. Jeanne d’Arc. Consider that a shot across the bow. Any further hostile action on your part will be considered an act of war and will be dealt with accordingly.”
“You fired on my ship!” Poindexter yelled.
“Incorrect, Captain. Your AI will verify that you fired that missile. It detonated before it could harm your ship. Withdraw at once. We have no reason to be at war with the Confederacy.”
“Prepare the PDL for firing. We’ll see what they can do with a laser.”
“Captain, we are locked out of loading and firing operations.”
“Targeting is unresponsive.”
“Bea! What’s going on?”
«Captain, you have fired on a non-hostile. No one in Earthat command wants a domestic war with Anouilh. Withdraw at once and by order of Command Central, report to Artemis Base at once for Courts Martial.»
“I will not.”
«Captain, you are relieved of duty. Lt. Anders, you have the conn. Your orders from Command Central are to deliver Captain Poindexter to Artemis Base for Courts Martial for reckless endangerment of his ship, crew, and various foreign civilian lives.»
“Yes, Bea,” the XO said nervously. He’d never heard of an AI taking over a ship except in case of mutiny. “Captain, please retire to your quarters so we don’t need to restrain you.”
“Bea, I’ll have you unplugged for this!”
The Captain stormed off the bridge and the XO ordered the ship to Artemis Base on the Moon.
“What happened to the capsules? And those bubble things?” the XO asked Sensors.
“The three original bogies returned to formation and continued their patrol. The three bubble things popped in and out a few times as they circled us and then popped out. They appear to have moved into a position several thousand kilometers above the arctic.”
“How are they doing that? I thought hyperbubbles were supposed to implode if they expanded in the HEZ. All six of those craft used FTL.”
“I don’t have an answer, sir.”
Month 144—Earthat Command Central
“How could you be so stupid, Dex?” Commodore Riley demanded. “Get a better picture if the opportunity presents itself. That was all I asked. Why did you fire on them?”
“I thought I’d get them to turn so we could get a side picture of them. They swivel and pivot to always keep their noses pointed at us. It’s just a blank dome.”
“What did scans show?”
“They showed no life forms on board any of the six objects we met. The capsules have both hyperdrive and impulse. The bubble things seem to have only hyperdrive and thrusters for orientation but they pop in and out all the way down to within a few thousand klicks of the surface, well into the atmosphere. I don’t get it,” Poindexter shook his head. “And they just tossed our missile around like a baseball from one to another, faster than we could track it. It exploded right in front of our nose!”
“That means the whole thing has to be AI controlled. It’s ridiculous. Come on. We need to go to your hearing. It will be mostly painless.”
Defended by his superior officer, Poindexter got off being demoted from Commander to Lieutenant, but was left in command of the Sleeping Beauty Castle. Then he and his crew were sent to the Neptune circuit as first line against a new Swarm incursion.
Month 145—January on Anouilh
“CAPTAIN. BOSS.” Col. Thom snapped to attention and saluted the two as he stepped off the transporter pad—even though he knew they didn’t return salutes or any other military formality. “I have come with the Confederacy’s sincere apologies for the Christmas incident. We are prepared to make reparations and wish to know if you want additional charges filed against the captain, his officers, or his ship. What will it take for us to relieve tensions with Anouilh?”
“Relax, Major. No harm was done,” Dakota said, giving their long-time liaison a hug. Thom relaxed then stiffened at the feeling of the naked woman pressed against him.
“I’m sorry, Dakota. The invasion in August has put everyone on edge. It’s only a matter of time before they’re back. Fleet Admiral Kilroy of Earthat Command sent a flaming letter of discipline fleet wide. His instructions were to learn the difference between friend and foe, and to remember that the enemy of our enemies is our friend. The entire fleet has now received a direct order not to impinge on your polar patrol.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. We don’t have a very large contingent but they aren’t used to working with regular military. We don’t want anyone to get hurt accidentally,” she said.
“That was some pretty clever maneuvering,” Thom responded, relaxing as the bartender brought him his usual gin and tonic. “Another of your group-sourced inventions, I suppose?”
“One of our fourteen-year-olds,” I laughed. “Actually, he wasn’t fourteen yet, but he’s been playing the game for six years.”
“You let the kids have access to your porn?” Thom asked.
“That shouldn’t shock someone from the Confederacy. We have a fully animated version that doesn’t bring them in contact with our starlets. Even visual contact. But you know kids. They’ll figure out a way around parental controls. I certainly did. And it’s nothing they don’t see out here around the pool every day.” I stretched out on a lounger and Major seemed to suddenly realize he was the only one dressed on the pool deck. “Get comfortable, Major. At this time of year there is nothing like a little Caribbean sun.” Thom pulled his jacket off. Immediately, half a dozen naked girls were at his side, helping him out of his uniform and getting him comfortable on a lounger. Two stayed with him and made sure he was well-covered with sunblock.
“I expected to be treated as an enemy combatant when I got here. Or a war criminal,” he sighed. He roused himself from the girls’ ministrations. “So, what were those things?”
“Hummingbirds. Their only function is to jump in front of solid ordnance and throw it back where it came from. If he’d shot at us with his laser, all the birds would have jumped away before the shot was fired.
“And you say a kid invented these Hummingbirds?”
“Yeah. The kids were on a school trip to see some of the nature of Anouilh and Papillon. They saw hummingbirds darting in and out of flowers, hovering in one place and then almost instantly jumping to another place to come in from a different angle. Someone suggested that since we have Hawks in the game, maybe we should have Hummingbirds, too. John got the kids here at the resort organized and with a little help from Ubie, they designed the missile catcher. It’s basically like the front half of the Hawk. We don’t have the impulse engines. We have attitude thrusters and FTL drive.”
“We have moved several fourteen-year-olds into our college program,” Ubie added proudly. Thom jumped, looking for the voice. The rest of us were used to him. “The engineers, both electrical and mechanical, spend time with them each day. I fill in around the edges, so to speak.”
“Well done, Ubie,” I said.
“And the drive is small, like the Hawk drive, so distance is limited, but they can recycle and jump again incredibly quickly, and amazingly accurately,” Dakota added. “We’re thinking of adding shields to it so it can block a particle beam.” She rubbed her drink across her breasts, bring her nipples to attention.
“Is that the secret to being able to jump around in the HEZ?” Thom asked.
“It was in a section of the wiki the Confederacy let leak out on Earth. It was told as a warning tale about a civilization who developed an FTL drive and basically destroyed itself by launching and reentering in the atmosphere. There was a threshold at which the mass of the object being moved became too much to handle the atmosphere. Big explosions when they attempted to build a ship large enough for space travel and attempted to launch it,” I said. “What we saw was that if we kept the mass below a certain level, we could operate within the outer gravity well at will. And the smaller the mass, the nearer to the surface we could operate. It’s a drive that is generations behind what you use. The destination needs to be programmed in before launch, so Ubie keeps up the calculations constantly before each jump.”
“That’s what you did when you sent a miner to the asteroid belt. You used something so small that you could launch from the surface and go straight to hyperspace.”
“Yes. Though everyone was paranoid enough that we launched all four miners from a barge ten miles out in the ocean.” We all laughed at that. I remembered how nervous we all were before those launches. “Straight to hyperspace from the barge and then minimal thrusters to move the miners closer to the asteroids. The first thing they had to do was build a larger replicator.”
“Why is it always three?” Thom asked. “Three Hawks. Three Hummingbirds. Your triple whammy railgun.”
“We reviewed a lot of your after action reports,” I said.
“How did you do that?”
“We thought it was all accidental at first. Ubie budded an interface for Confederacy communications when he cut off contact. We discovered a lot of information just floating on the surface where we could see it. Ubie was being clever and scraping intelligence off the AIs receiving the reports. Eventually, it seems that Ubie achieved something akin to an orphaned nephew status among the Darjee AIs. We think it’s because not all the AIs were happy with exiling his mother and felt responsible for him. Like that one kid in the family who’s always in trouble but the aunties still spoil him rotten. If you really wanted to know something about the Pussy Pirates, you could just ask your AIs and if they didn’t already know, they’d just ask Ubie to share. It wouldn’t be as fun as having you come to visit, though.”
“Oh, Christ. How stupid can we be? So, back to what you learned.”
“Most reports include observations of the Swarm working in threes. Three scouts, three attack ships, whatever. You’ve surmised they use the formation to triangulate, so we investigated that possibility. What we hypothesized went deeper than just triangulating a target. We don’t have concrete evidence yet, but we believe the use of threes is fundamental in everything they do. It forms the logic of their gestalt. Humans naturally gravitate to a decimal system. We have ten fingers and ten toes. If we only had eight of each, we’d have developed an octal numeral system. We developed the binary system for computing based on switches with an on and off position. We tried to imagine everything that would be affected if we developed a ternary system like the Swarm could naturally develop. They have three legs, three arms, three eyes, and some of your scientists speculate they have three sexes.”
“Wouldn’t you come out with the same result no matter what base you use?”
“Yes, ultimately. But we are constantly uncovering new possibilities. Instead of on and off, Ubie’s switches have a third position. In a three-wire electrical system, we’d call the third wire neutral. But we believe the third switch position has a third state that is as active as positive and negative. We mimic in order to learn.” We lay on our loungers, just enjoying the sun and our drinks for a few minutes. I’d laid a lot on Major and I figured he had more to say to us if we waited.
“It was a near thing in August, Teddy, Dakota. We had no ships engaged. We won the battle with no losses because they ran straight into our minefield. But one of the bastards got away. That means they know we’re here and waiting for them. They’ll be back. Soon,” he said at last.
“You’d think they’d see stiff resistance and just go somewhere else,” Dakota sighed.
“Here’s something to add to your knowledge of the Swarm. If a human child touches a hot burner, it learns not to touch a hot burner. The way the Swarm respond to situations, the next time they touched a hot burner, they’d use two hands instead of one. In every engagement we’ve had in space, if they get chased away the first time, they just come back with a bigger fleet the next time. Eventually, they’ll bring so many we’re overwhelmed. We’re not going to win the last battle of Earthat.”
“We’ll fight until we can’t any longer,” I said firmly. “Until we’re all dead. We can’t do anything less. This is our home.”
“I wish I’d met you before I volunteered,” Thom sighed. “I need to get back and make my report. Believe me, even if we have a hundred ships attacking us, someone will have an eye back on you to see what you can do.”
“Don’t let anyone through on purpose just to test us, okay?”
The girls helped Thom dress, which may have cost him more time than doing it himself, but he didn’t complain.
“What are you thinking, Dakota?”
“That we must be fools, Teddy.” We sat quietly watching the sunset. “I don’t see sunsets and sunrises on St. Jeanne. From our angle, we can see light and dark revolve around the world, but we have no horizon effect. All those old-time astronauts who orbited Earth got to see the sun rise or set three or four times a day. We don’t see it at all from our polar station. I look out across the black chasm that separates us from the Confederacy and I see dozens and dozens, maybe hundreds, of ships standing out there to defend Earth. What are we going to do with our little flying saucer and a bunch of porn stars? If the Swarm get past the Confederacy, we won’t be able to stop them.”
“We’ll do our best out there and then we’ll do our best down here, Dakota. That’s all we can do.”
“You should go find KC and give her that baby she’s been needling you for. I swear, the encounter with Sleeping Beauty put her hormones in overdrive. She’s in heat; you can smell it.”
“I’d better go see if I can fulfill her fantasies then.”
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