Not This Time
12
Coming to Grips
MY AFTERNOON with Bruce Wayne was not filled with messages flashing in the sky or madcap car chases. His Batmobile was an old Fiat and he drove like a little old lady. I was pretty thankful for that. We went over to the West Bank and had a burger and a milkshake while we talked about life.
“I really admire you for managing a full-time job, a family, and an education all at once,” Bruce said. “I barely keep up with one thing at a time.”
“I just had to get my priorities straight,” I said. “And I have Lily. This is a rare opportunity to socialize, even if we are supposed to be discussing my class.”
“Um… Do you object that I used that as an excuse to see you? I mean, setting your schedule could have been done over the phone in about ten minutes if I could have reached you. But… Well, I just decided to take advantage of the situation to actually see you,” he said. “I’m not a rich guy. I’m paying for all my expenses here with my teaching assistantship. But, if you were willing, I’d like to take you out sometime. On a real date. Maybe a show at Rarig Center. I know a lot of people there because I’m actually a theatre major.”
“I guess. I’d like to see a show, but I’d have to make sure Lily was okay with it,” I said. What was I going to do about that? Lily slept with me. Why didn’t I just tell him I’m not available?
“If she’s not available to watch the baby, we’ll choose something that we can take Emily along for. I’ve heard most babies sleep through movies.”
“Thanks. I’ll… talk to Lily. It’s five. Could you drop me off at my office so I can see if anyone got an offer today? I hate to ask for a lift and all, but it would take me an hour to get there by bus on a Saturday.”
“Hey, it’s not a problem,” he said brightly. I paid for my own burger and shake. I kept telling myself this wasn’t really a date; we just needed to discuss my schedule and did it over a…
Oh, fuck. If this wasn’t a date, what was?
“You’re home early,” Lily said by greeting. “Emily and I were just getting ready to watch The Golden Girls. That’s a good lesbian show.”
“It’s not. Don’t fill her little head with such nonsense.”
“I fill her head; she fills her diaper. Garbage in, garbage out. Now tell me about your date,” Lily said, handing my daughter to me. I pulled down my bra and Emily latched on to my right nipple. I sighed with relief as the milk started to flow. So good. “If she falls asleep before you’re empty, I’ll help,” Lily said. “I mean I’ll get the breast pump ready. It wasn’t that long ago that she ate.”
“I know what you meant, Lil. It wasn’t a date. You don’t have to worry. I want you to suck on my nipples. And I want to suck on yours. I don’t care if they don’t have milk in them.”
“I don’t know why I fell in love with you,” she sighed. “Listen, I know you aren’t a lesbian. I know you are only a little bi,” Lily said. She sniffed. Oh, no. She was crying. “I’m just so selfish that I let you do things with me that you don’t really want to do because I love them so much. You need a guy and I’m not a guy and I’ll never be a guy. I just love you.”
“Lily, please. Let me put Emily in her crib. She wasn’t really very hungry. And I need to hold you.”
Emily was already sound asleep. She’d need her diaper changed or something in half an hour, but right now I needed to be with Lily. I knew I did. When I returned to the living room, she had the TV on and Bea Arthur was saying something caustic to Betty White.
“See? That’s us in fifty years,” I laughed.
“Before I get mad, which one am I?”
“You choose.”
“I’ll be Bea. If I can’t have sex, I’ll be sarcastic.”
“That’s a good start. Honey, you can have sex,” I said. “I love you. I didn’t know it was possible to love a woman like I love you. I’ll be whatever you need. Whatever you want.”
“I want so desperately to believe you,” Lily said. “But how long could that last? How long could we remain together with me knowing you only do it because I want you to? How long before you hate me because I represent something you hate?”
“I don’t hate it. Exactly,” I said. Oh, fuck. “It’s just that… When you lick me—which I love, by the way—you get turned on. I know. I’ve felt you. I’ve tasted you. It excites you even more than it excites me, and I never had stronger orgasms. You are an attentive lover and you love it. When I lick you… Well, there’s nothing particularly wrong with it. I love you. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I end up just as dry at the finish as at the start.”
“And when I’m doing you… Do you think about me? Or do you think about Allen?”
“Um…” Damn! I shouldn’t have hesitated.
“That’s what I thought. You can’t hide the fact that you want a man. Your hungry little twat wants a hunk of male pumping his come into you.”
“That sounds so gross, Lily.”
“I meant it to. But you can’t deny that’s what you want. I could see your eyes light up as soon as you saw Bruce. You were flirting with him before I even got out of there with Emily.”
“Damn it! I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry!”
I was getting pretty upset. I loved her. Why couldn’t she just leave it at that? She’d shown me what gentle caring love was like. I’d lived another whole fucking life and never knew that. I could learn to love licking her and if I didn’t love it, it was a small price to pay.
But what was worse was that she was right. I did fantasize about Allen mounting and plunging into me when she was licking me. I did flirt with Bruce. I did want a man. Fuckfuckfuck!
“I’m a fucking time bomb and everybody’s going to get hurt,” I sobbed.
“It hurts,” she whispered as she wrapped me in her arms. “It hurts, but we’ll get through it because we love each other. Let’s go to bed. We don’t have to do anything. Not that I’m going to turn you away, because I can’t. But I’m not going to hold you back from finding your happily ever after, either. Just please don’t cut me out of your life. I love you. And I love Emily.”
The arrangement we’d worked out for my lab time was that I would operate the light board for the two performances and dress rehearsal of the show. I talked it over with Lily and she agreed to watch Emily those nights, but I wouldn’t be staying out late after the shows. I would run the board and take off as soon as the curtain was down. I did have to take two hours of instruction in advance with the lighting designer and learn how to take cues from the stage manager. Bruce explained that this was such a big show for the opera that there were different designers for lighting, costumes, and scenery. Apparently, he’d spent two years designing everything for the operas.
He told me about that on our second date.
“Okay, so here’s the deal,” Lily told me as I was getting ready. I’d changed clothes three times and she finally grabbed a matching red panty and bra set and a red corduroy dress and told me to put them on. “You come home with your pussy dripping with come and I’ll eat it out of you.”
“Lily! That’s gross!”
“I want to be a part of it,” she moaned.
“IF it ever comes to that, I’ll bring him home and you can drink it straight from the source,” I said. “But it ain’t gonna happen tonight, bitch.”
“Are you dominating me?” she said as she stalked toward me.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I said. “I’m just saying, it’s not happening. First of all, there is never going to be come dripping out of my pussy. Done that. Got the baby. Secondly, it’s way too early in this re… this isn’t even a relationship yet. I’m not having sex on my first date with anyone. Again.”
“Second date,” Lily corrected me. She pushed me down on the bed and pulled my panties off.
“Lily!”
“Just going to make sure you don’t get so horny you lose control on your big date. Don’t want you forgetting yourself and throwing yourself at him.”
“But…” Her tongue found my spot and I couldn’t finish the sentence. I’m sure I was thinking something smart, but I was also sure that when Lily’s tongue touched my twat, I was already leaking. Would Bruce want to make love to me? Well, he’s a guy. Of course he’d want sex. But what would his response be when he found out I was sexually involved with Lily? Well, he’s a guy. He’d want to watch. And participate. I wondered if Lily would let him fuck her.
I screamed as my climax took me by surprise. Emily started crying.
Lily started laughing and went to pick up my daughter while I pulled my panties on.
“Lily,” I said plaintively. “I don’t know what I’m doing. It was never like this before.”
“You don’t have that much ‘before’ to compare it to,” she said. If she only knew. “Honey, I think Bruce is a nice guy. I want you to tell me absolutely everything about your time together. That way I’ll be able to keep thinking he’s a nice guy. And if he’s such a nice guy that he gets you churning like you just were, I’ll be a willing playmate for both of you. Really. Let what feels good happen.”
“Lots of things feel good, Lily. But not everything feels right. I love you, honey.”
The doorbell rang. Lily kissed me goodbye. I kissed my sleepy daughter and went out front to meet my date.
We saw Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris at Rarig Center. It was good. The voices were amazing, but their voices were different than the crystal voices that Professor Sutton had sing sections of Manon for us in class. Overall, I thought I preferred the opera singers.
Then Bruce took me out for a beer.
“Bruce, I’m not old enough.”
“That’s a silly thing, isn’t it?” he said. “You’re in college. You have a job. You have a baby. You can even vote now. But you’re not old enough to have a beer. Sort of sucks.”
“Yeah, sort of. Lily sometimes lets me have a little wine at home. Even then, I never have much because what goes in my mouth comes out my breast. Think about that for a while.”
“Um… No offense, but that kind of got me aroused,” he said. He actually blushed.
“Oh, God! Believe me, it’s not so funny when I have garlicky Italian food and Emily refuses to empty the bags. Then I have to pump. And it’s a waste because I have to dump it since she won’t drink it.”
“A guy could really fall for you.”
“And if I have really spicy Indian food, it could be two days before she will even look at my… What?”
“I’m not going to say any more,” he said. “I won’t fight Lily for you. I can tell you are more than just roommates. I just can’t help myself when I think about you. Maybe I should take you home now.”
“Maybe next Sunday evening you could come for dinner. Not this weekend, but next. After I get home from the open houses and have time to make some dinner. Speaking of which…”
“I know you have to work tomorrow. Let me get you home so you can take care of your girls and still get to work tomorrow. I’ve got students in the shop at eight o’clock tomorrow morning.” He took my hand and we walked to his car. “Do you know what Ronny said to me last week? He’s an organ major, but he’s in the opera and has to do shop work, too. We were treating flats with sizing to prepare them for paint and he says, ‘You don’t know how humbling it is for a musician to do this kind of work.’ I turned to him and said, ‘I’d feel the same way if I had to sing.’”
We laughed all the way to the car, but I didn’t let go of his hand.
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