Heaven’s Gate
72 Eulogy
Moms and Dad joined us for the bonfire Sunday night. I was happy to see Rhiannon’s folks and Sheriff Donaldson with Jim and Jill Swift. There were a few other parents around, but mostly they were residents of the village. Jessica and Amy got in late in the morning. Even Eric and Nancy had come back to the ranch for the night. Sora and Tim got there Saturday afternoon. Just after the fire was lit, I saw a car pull into the studio parking lot. I watched as Renee and her mother got out and approached the fire.
“Renee, I’m so happy to see you,” I said.
“I’m happy to see you, too, Brian. I’m sorry I’ve been so elusive. I had to hide out for a while until I was sure Tom obeyed the restraining order. I didn’t want to bring trouble to the ranch.”
“Oh, Renee, you know we’d do anything to protect you. Are you doing okay? Will you come back to live with us?”
“You don’t have to tell me, Brian. You’ve proven it over and over. I guess now I have to find a new job and figure out what to do with my life again. I sure can pick ’em.”
“There’s always a place with us.”
“We’ve got excitement,” Rose announced after sundown. We’d roasted hotdogs and had a Labor Day party around the fire. The kids were beginning to wear down, fascinated now by the lightning bugs and trying to catch them. Rose got things started. “We’ve taken a poll and we have the entire clan together for the first time in years! This is better than homecoming.” We all cheered. Once I connected with Renee, she hadn’t left my side all evening. She wanted to say hi to everyone, but didn’t want to be far from either me or Lamar. I was glad she was still on good terms with Lamar. Sarah hugged her tightly and welcomed her home. There was no threat or jealousy between the two. Rose continued, “Including the children, there are officially eighty-two in the clan. We’re going to change that some tonight. First of all, I want to ask Angela to join me.”
“Matrón and Clan of the Heart, I want to introduce you to my novia and fiancé, Del Olmquist. I would like to petition to have Del adopted into our clan,” Angela said.
“We have heard your petition and agree to adopt Del into the Clan of the Heart,” Rose said. “Del, in honor of this, we are presenting you with a white clan belt and hope you will wear it with pride.”
“Thank you, Matrón,” Del said. “We would also like to ask our Patrón and Angela’s mother, Dinita, to join us.” I stepped up beside Angela and Dinita stepped up beside Del. “We’d love it if all of Casa del Fuego also joined us as we unite in both our handfasting and marriage.”
The rest of the group gathered around. Rose conducted the brief rituals, wrapping a red thread around the hands of Del and Angela and then having them pronounce their wedding vows and accept each other’s wedding ring. There was a big cheer and a lot of hugging and kissing. They were a perfect pair.
“I am not separating from Casa del Fuego,” Angela said. “We’ll be far away physically in Seattle, but a bit of my heart will stay right here in the big house.”
“We’ve had a bit of a delay in welcoming Debbie and Dolly into the clan until George got around to establishing their own new casa,” Rose said. “George?”
“Hi. I’d like to introduce my cónyuge, Deborah and Dorothy Wood and my children, George Jr. and Danielle McCall. I would like to petition the clan for adoption of my family and recognition of our union.”
“Debbie, Dolly, George, and Danielle, please come and join George,” Rose said. Debbie and Dolly had their babies in their arms, but managed to hold out their hands, joined to George as Rose wrapped a sky blue thread around their wrists. They all kissed and broke their thread.
“In the tradition of the families, we would like to announce the formation of Casa de Borbón. It was part of the deal in order for us to inherit the still.” We all laughed. “Our color, in recognition that I came from Casa del Agua, is sky blue. We will always consider you our parent casa.”
“And then there were eighty-seven,” Rose said. “But not for long! In case any of you missed the news during the premiere of Date Night In last night, Courtney has a bun in the oven. And just a month ahead of her, Doreen is expecting her next child. We’re going to have a wonderful spring.” There was a lot of applause. I half expected someone else to pipe up and say she was pregnant but apparently it was only the two at the moment. We were going to keep Cassie’s school operating at capacity, even though Stephanie decided she would like to attend the public school so she could make friends her own age. “We’ve got one more presentation. Doug has asked for the opportunity to talk to everyone. Doug.”
“Hi everybody,” Doug said. “In case you missed the news, I’m sick. I don’t mean the sicko you tried to avoid in high school. I’ve got non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It’s a sucky disease. It made me lose all my hair. Not that there was much left to lose. My mom’s dad was a cue ball, too. My kids, James and Brian, don’t have anything to worry about because Rhiannon’s dad still has a full head of hair. I’m sorry about Claudia, though. If she has any sons they’ll probably get the chrome-dome look as well.” We all laughed at that, but we were really thinking about Doug being sick.
“Well, here’s the thing,” he continued. “I had a bone marrow transplant the first of June and it didn’t work. I’m dying.” There were some gasps. “Get ahold of yourselves, guys. You all are dying, too. I’m just doing it a little faster.” Matthew ran up and hugged his dad around the waist. Doug knelt and kissed our son. Then he stood and kept going.
“Dying isn’t a problem. Matt and I have talked about it a lot and he’s helping his brothers and sisters understand what’s going on. No. The problem is that I don’t trust any of you to do my eulogy when I’m gone. Just look at Brian and Carl, my best friends in the world, and they’re both standing there with tears running down their cheeks. They just can’t see the humor in this. I can. So, I’ve decided to do my own eulogy now while I’m strong enough to stand up here and be heard.” Christ! He was right of course. Just saying what he did had all of us crying.
“Back between fourth and fifth grade, Carl and I put on a growth spurt. Suddenly we were almost six feet tall. It was awesome. We both wanted to play basketball. Then Carl’s brother and two of his friends hauled us aside. They were going into junior high. It didn’t make any difference how big we were, they were tougher. Once Carl and I were lying on the ground with the three guys sitting on us to make sure we didn’t move, Bill told us how the world was going to work. He said that we had a choice to make. That we could be self-centered jocks who were worshiped but never liked, or we could find a particular little kid in our class and make sure nobody picked on him. He said that if we chose the first route that he’d just write us off and go find someone else. We’d be okay, but we’d never know what life could have been. But if we chose the latter, we’d be like the trusted guards of a prince and everything he accomplished would brush off on us, too. He capped it off with words that I’ll never forget. ‘Jessica said you should be friends with Brian Frost and make sure no one hurts him.” I looked over at Jessica, standing with Adam, Amy, and Warren near the fire.
“That was really all it took. If Jessica wanted us to do that, we’d do it. Her brother wasn’t all that happy about it, but it worked out for us. And the thing is, it wasn’t a chore. Once we got to know him, we discovered he wasn’t just a runt geek. He actually explained sex to us the way Angela over there taught him at summer camp. It was awesome! But you know what else happened? Five of the hottest girls in fifth grade invited us to sit at their lunch table. Not one! Five! And they weren’t just interested in Brian. That was the day… the very day that I fell in love with Rhiannon. How many people in the world we live in have twenty years with the love of their lives? I know, it’s only been eighteen so far, but I’m not dead yet! I love you, Rhiannon.” Rhiannon rushed to Doug with Raven in her arms and kissed him fervently as the rest of us applauded. Of course, Doug wasn’t finished.
“I’m not going to go through everything that happened in school. A few things, though, are as fresh in my mind today as they were the day they happened. I thought I was going to flat-out die the day I took a pen and signed the agreement. Let me tell you something. It is not natural for a fourteen-year-old boy to sign a paper that says basically that he’s going to share the love of his life with a bunch of other guys and a few girls, but that in return he would get to date and kiss and… stuff, with a dozen other fabulous women. Then two dozen. Then more. I’ve had more naked girls sitting in my lap in the past week than most guys have in a lifetime. And I love each and every one of you. I am so blessed to have you all in my life.”
There was a little shuffling around and a lot of grins as those of us who signed the original agreement remembered how we felt. It seemed like we were giving up so much, but at the same time it was opening doors for us that none of our peers could even glimpse.
“I have three of the most fabulous wives that could ever be imagined,” Doug continued. “Sandy and Doreen, bring the rest of the kids and join Rhee and me. I grew up loving my sister more than any human being on earth. Mom and Dad, we’ve talked and you know what I’m saying, so please don’t be sad about this. You gave Doreen and me one of the most precious gifts imaginable when you gave us each other. And even though we obeyed the conventions of society for the better part of twenty-seven years, I am proud to say that the baby my sister is carrying within her is my child. I don’t think any of the rest of you would have mentioned that in my eulogy. I can just hear it. ‘Oh man, he fucked his sister.’ This child, whether I am still here when he’s born or not, is my child and I am so proud Doreen chose me to be his father. Kids, don’t try this at home. We’re trained professionals.”
Well, that was a pretty weak admonition for our kids not to fool around with each other, but we were all laughing and cheering for them. We’d deal with our own kids later on.
“I found out what Jessica meant by saying that what Brian accomplished would rub off on the rest of us when this cute little hippie chick started hanging out at the ranch and made a place in our hearts. I love you, Sandy. I never imagined that anyone else could find a place in our home and you just fit so naturally that we were in love before we knew what happened.” Doug spent a minute showing Sandy how much he loved her and her gi was in disarray by the time he continued.
“I shocked poor Melanie Dennis when she moved down here a couple months ago. I want to tell you, Melanie, I’m very happy you are here in the village and that you brought Stephanie with you to brighten our lives. You two are part of us now, even if you are not officially members of the clan. Thank you, Stephanie, for bringing me that tasty batch of cookies last week. I didn’t let the kids have any of them! But what I told Melanie, out in the River of Life, was that I was dating Lexi. I go out there at least once a week and we talk. Papa Sly and Mama Lil, believe me there is nothing disrespectful in what I am saying. I am thankful that Lexi will be there to meet me when I join her in the River of Life. None of you know this, but I kind of had a thing for Lexi back in high school. When we adopted what we called the younger clan into our casa, I wanted Lexi to be in Casa del Agua. I kind of broke the agreement. I was jealous that Carl got Lexi in his casa. Not that I didn’t love having George and TK in our casa, but I wanted Lexi, too. Now I’m gonna move in with her.” There were some giggles and Rhiannon and Doreen pinched Doug.
“No. Not right now. Doctors, who are better at prognosticating than at curing things, have told me I’ve probably got six to nine months if there isn’t some kind of miracle. So that gives you all plenty of time to get used to the fact that I’ll be a neighbor in the back forty. Here’s the way it’s going to go. You’ll all gather together and Rose will give my ashes to Dor and Rhee and Sandy. Maybe to the kids. They’d like to be a part of it. They are going to scatter them in the River of Life. Everybody is going to take a rake and rake the ashes into the gravel so Lexi and I—oh yes, and Silk—are united at last. And then Rose is going to turn that old boom box of hers on and play the tape of Bobby McFerrin singing ‘Don’t worry, be happy.’ And you’ll all get to dance with me in the River of Life. And I want you to know that the drops of my life that Brian talked about in his broadcast a few months ago… the drops I carry in a leaky pail, didn’t fall on thirsty sands and disappear. I drank every drop! Or, of course, you can simply flush the ashes down a toilet if you want to. I’ll be dead. Like that goldfish we flushed down the toilet. Don’t worry. Be happy!”
We all laughed. I noticed the laughter was coming easier now. Doug—for a guy giving his own eulogy—was funny.
“I have three beautiful and incredible wives,” he continued. “Most men have to do that sequentially instead of in parallel. We’ve been living together for ten years. That means I’ve been married for thirty. I win! I’ve got six of the most wonderful children in the world and another on the way. I have my best friend as my co-father. To you all, I want to say something that Brian said so often that it has become a part of each of us. No matter what, I still love you. No matter what, I will always love you. And I will do, even from beyond the grave, whatever is necessary to protect and defend you. For now, and forever.” Doug hugged his family and motioned to me so I could join in the hug. Doug had just one more thing to say.
“Jennifer taught us all something about Girl Scouts and her special recipe for s’mores. Last February when the scouts were selling cookies, I bought up a whole ton of Thin Mints. Tonight, the s’mores are on me!”
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