Heaven’s Gate
49 New Voice
My daughter Xan turned four on New Year’s Day. I sat in the big chair after we’d had our birthday cake and Xan crawled into my lap.
“May I join, too?” Dani asked. Xan nodded and we readjusted so Dani was in my lap and Xan sat on top. The little girl reached up and put and hand on each of our faces. She looked into our eyes with her brow wrinkled.
“I love Mommy and Papa,” she said softly. I glanced at Dani whose eyes had popped wide open. Xan spoke! Then she cuddled up in our arms and went to sleep. She spoke!
Dr. Jan had always said that she was choosing not to speak and we were supporting her choice. There was nothing wrong with it. But we weren’t going to make a huge deal about her choosing to speak, either.
Still, it made my heart thump. I hugged Dani and the two of us went to sleep, too.
New Year’s week we were on a limited schedule, broadcasting live just three days with two reruns. The first full week of January, though, we were back in swing with daily shows. I was thankful for Frankie and Chuck. They really supplied me with an unending stream of new material. Left to my own devices, I’d have stood up and started reciting Nikki’s poetry. Or worse, Bible verses. The two writers kept me primed with stuff I could work with.
I wasn’t afraid to change anything they wrote. It had to sound like me and I had to endorse what was said. I wasn’t going to make fun of the president or congress. Let Leno and Letterman do that. My job was to keep things positive, even when I didn’t feel positive.
“Papa talk,” my son said as he crawled up into my lap. I got up early, intending to bake bread like usual, but I just didn’t feel motivated. I went out to the big chair and just sank down, weary to the bone. It was Friday the thirteenth, the day before Valentine’s Day.
“What shall we talk about, son?” I asked. Matthew and C-Rae had been staying at the big house most of the time. Doreen stayed every other night. They were trying to keep Casa del Agua as peaceful as possible. James stayed with Céleste on the nights Doreen was in our house and sometimes Rhiannon took a break to stay with us and brought the twins as well. I just turned the master suite into a home away for Casa del Agua.
“C-Rae is scared.” As if on cue, my little four-year-old daughter padded up to us and held out her hands. I lifted her into my lap next to Matthew.
“What is C-Rae scared of?” I asked.
“Daddy isn’t getting better.” Well, shit! That just hung out there. Doug showed some improvement right after the treatments started, at least every other week. But after two months, they’d just decided to up the dose for a second round. The guy was exhausted. He was getting thinner because after each treatment there were three days of throwing up everything he ate. Theresa and I had been through every book we could find to get him on a diet that would help him withstand the poison of the anticancer treatment.
“Well, kids, it’s really too early to tell that. He’s only been getting help for two months. I know that seems like a long time to you, but it really isn’t very long.” I didn’t want to worry them, but I didn’t want to lie to them, either.
“Will Daddy die?” Matthew asked. C-Rae buried her face in my shoulder and I could feel the moisture of her tears. She stubbornly refused to sob or cry out, but the tears came anyway.
“Matthew and C-Rae, we are all going to die one day. Some of us will die much younger than others. The thing is that no one knows when we’ll die. No one knows how we will die. You don’t remember Aunt Sam’s sister Lexi. She died when Matthew was very small and no one expected her to. But you remember when Silk died. She was very old for a horse.”
“Will Daddy go be with Lexi and Silk?” C-Rae asked. I nodded.
“One day, what is left of each of us will join in the River of Life,” I said. “We’ll all be back together.”
“Can we visit the River of Life every day?”
“We can visit the River as often as we want. That’s why it’s there.”
I looked up and Xan was standing in front of me. Matthew helped her up into our cluster in the chair. Xan hugged Matthew and she hugged C-Rae. She really hadn’t said much to anyone since her one statement on her birthday. In an image of her mother, Xan began petting the heads and faces and arms of her two half-siblings. I could feel everyone begin to relax as her soothing touch calmed us all.
“I love Mommy and Papa,” Xan said precisely. “And I love Matthew and Cassandra and Céleste and Sharon. You are my brother and sisters. I will always take care of you. You don’t need to be afraid.”
The three children hugged on my lap and I held them while silent tears ran down my cheeks.
ME: Here’s the thing, people. We’re going to die. It doesn’t take a prophet to predict that. It’s going to happen.
Sure, you might be thinking. Everybody dies. Benjamin Franklin said nothing can be certain except death and taxes. Maybe you haven’t started earning enough to pay taxes yet. There might even be ways to avoid ever having a paycheck to be taxed. But if you buy that new pair of shoes you’ve been looking at, you’ll pay sales tax. It’s harder and harder to keep from rendering unto Caesar.
But we’re way too young to think about dying, right? We’re what seventeen? Twenty? I’m twenty-six. It’s still too young to consider dying. Except I’ve known people my age who died. Dear sweet friends and lovers. People who were too young to die. Like me.
One drunk driver, one lunatic murderer, one unstoppable disease, one wrong step and life is over.
Yesterday only got us to today. It had no other purpose. Tomorrow is a dream. The only thing real is today. Right now. This second. In this moment when you have the power to decide the course of your life, not how you will live tomorrow, but how your yesterdays will be remembered, what will you choose?
That sends some people running to their churches, synagogues, and mosques to reform and become religious in this life. Even those who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. That’s the fallacy of religion. It denies the inevitable. You will die.
That will send others to the local bar. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you might die. That is not about how you are remembered. It is about your self-gratification. All you truly leave behind are the memories of who you were.
That will send some into depression. Maybe your yesterdays weren’t all that good. Maybe you are afraid you will be remembered for the way you treated your date Saturday night. For the way you spoke to your parents. For the way you told a friend you were too busy.
I think I’m beginning to sound a little preachy. [Laughter.] Elaine Frost and Hannah Gordon are watching the show tonight saying, “I told you he wasn’t funny.” My writers, Frankie and Chuck, have packed their bags by now and are escaping even as we speak.
You know what?
I don’t give a damn!
I don’t care because all I have is today. Now! If I don’t say this, I might never get another chance. This is my opportunity and if I die tonight this is what I want you to remember. Not the joke I intended to tell.
I died a few years ago. Twice in a matter of twenty-four hours. I don’t much like to talk about that day. It still gives me nightmares. I still feel guilty that people I loved died that day and I didn’t. But I have to tell you about it.
I have to.
No promise of an afterlife could have made me step between that shooter and his targets. No good karma to get me a better reincarnation. No dream of Valhalla. No happy hunting ground. No Elysian Field. It was only love. It was only knowing that this moment was the single most important moment of my life. Not because I was being shot at, but because every moment—every ‘now’—is the only moment of my life that’s real.
And what I want out of ‘now,’ out of this moment of my life, is for my loved ones to know how much I love them.
I’ve talked to Danielle Frost about this. The mother of my precious daughter Xan was less than twenty-four hours pregnant on April 18 when the madman opened fire. You see, what everyone has missed about that horrid day is that she did the same thing that I am credited for. She dove between the shooter and me, taking a bullet in the face that was meant for me. She lives in the knowledge that ‘now’ is the most important moment of her life. And right now, she knows that this moment, when she is cradling our daughter and rocking her to sleep, now is the most important moment of her life.
We don’t get second chances. If there is someone you love, tell him. Show her. Never ever pass up an opportunity to tell that person ‘I love you.’ You might not have another opportunity.
Now is the moment that counts.
I don’t remember anything else from the show that night. I hung my suit up in my dressing room and put on a winter gi. Leonard had thoughtfully designed an ID pocket into the gi. It was big enough for my driver’s license, credit card, and a folded twenty-dollar bill. I suppose putting on my beret and gloves was a little incongruous, but it was cold outside. I grabbed my car keys and headed for the parking lot.
“Are you okay, Mr. Frost?” Rebecca asked. She’d only been my personal assistant for six weeks. Cassie had spent January training her and then said she was going on permanent maternity leave. Rebecca did everything for me. Except blowjobs. She was actually a professional assistant and knew her way around a television studio.
“Oh, Rebecca. Yes, I’m fine. Are you?”
“Yes. I’ve just never seen anything quite like that on live television.”
“You may never see it again if Armand calls me in the morning and cancels the show,” I laughed. She gasped. “Don’t worry, I’m part owner of the network. I get some say in it. Though he might not be happy about it.”
“I’d be more worried about Miss Cortales, if I were you.”
“Oh yes. And her mentor, Miss Gordon. And I haven’t even seen my director. She left before I came out of the dressing room,” I sighed. Rebecca laughed.
“It was a little abrupt,” she said. “You passed her just before you went on and said, ‘I’m going off script.’ A woman likes a little more notice of such things.”
“Mmm. Maybe I shouldn’t go home tonight. April, Hannah, and Samantha all waiting up for me. Not to mention Nikki, Frankie, and Chuck. Or the rest of my cónyuge,” I said. “Rebecca, there are times that having multiple mates can be very taxing if they decide to gang up on you.”
“Speaking of which, someone is waiting at your car for you. Should I stick around to make sure it’s okay?” I looked at my car and immediately recognized Rose.
“I don’t think there is anything you could do for me this time, Rebecca. Thank you for keeping me on track most of the time.”
“You’re welcome. See you Monday.”
“Did I keep you waiting long, Matrón?” I asked.
“A couple of hours. I got here about halfway through the session. Don’t worry. I didn’t wait out here. I watched.”
“Darling Rose, please tell me straight out how bad of trouble I’m in.”
“Trouble? Brian do you still know so little about your cónyuge? I had Josh bring me in so I could ride with you. None of us wanted you to be alone on the highway tonight,” she said softly. She touched my cheek and raised her lips to mine.
“I’m okay.”
“We know. But like you said, this is the moment that counts. We didn’t want you to be alone.”
“And you got sent?”
“I had to fight my way to being the one who could come. Even Elaine wanted to be here for you and you know she has to be up early in the morning.”
“How did you even know? We were finished taping before the show hit the air,” I said.
“As soon as you finished the monologue, Ellen sent us the feed. You lucked out with that editor. She could become a producer one day. We’ll have to keep an eye on her progress.”
“I hope I get to keep her for a while yet. I’m just getting used to my new assistant.”
“I saw her talking to you. She looks conscientious.”
“She’s the closest thing I can imagine to having Anna as a personal assistant. The only difference I can think of is that I’m not sleeping with her daughter. But, man, for a forty-something woman, she is incredible,” I said.
“We should have her out for some social time at the ranch.”
“Don’t get any ideas, Rose. She’s very professional.”
“Oh, my love. I won’t say there won’t ever be another in our family, but none of us are looking. We all have just what we want.”
We rode in silence for several miles down Indiana 37. Rose put her hand across the console on my thigh and I just enjoyed being with her.
“I love you, Brian Frost. We each love you. We all love you.”
When Rose and I stepped through the back door, Dani met us and helped us strip out of our clothes before we entered the family room. Dani kissed Rose and then turned to kiss me tenderly.
“There is only now,” she whispered.
We went into the family room and my family was there. The children were in bed, but every member of the casa including Josh and Doreen stood stark naked in the family room with one foot in a box. All except Angela in Minneapolis and Whitney in Turkey.
“We had to get a bigger kit,” Hannah explained. “We didn’t all fit in the old one.”
“I want you all,” I said. “I love you all so much.” They surrounded me and we hugged. Nobody cared who was male or female. It wasn’t about having sex. It was about being loved. I kissed the tummies of the two pregnant moms and then was surprised when a third was thrust in my face.
“Rhiannon?” I said, caressing the slightly rounded tummy that held our child.
“I can’t stay long,” she said. “Doug said to say thank you for tonight’s monologue. Doreen and I are going back home to love him up. Sandy might come back over to thank you, too.” I kissed her and held our child between us. Then I sucked a little milk out of her breast.
“I love you,” I said.
“You beast. Now I’m going to have to go home and get a baby latched on before I leak all over the floor,” she laughed. “I love you, Brian. You’re being really slow about this, but I’m fifteen weeks pregnant with our child. I guess it’s up to me. Will you be my novia and take me to the fire to become your cónyuge? I think having a child with you counts as a long term intimate commitment.”
“Rhiannon, dear, I would absolutely love to have you as my cónyuge. You are, after all, a princess.”
“And don’t you forget it. Now take another suck from momma and let me go nurse the babies.”
“I should talk to Frankie and Chuck,” I said when Nikki cuddled up to me. We were still in the family room, but everyone was beginning to drift upstairs to the big bedroom.
“They left after your monologue.”
“No! Oh no! I didn’t mean to offend them. I should have called. I should have told them what I was going to do. They have a cell phone. Can I call them? I’ll beg them to come back.”
“Brian! They didn’t leave the show. They left here when they realized we were all going to get naked and attack you,” Nikki laughed. “You dope! They aren’t upset. In fact, they wanted to stay and get naked, too. We told them this was a private casa affair.”
“Oh, geez! I thought you meant they left left. I was afraid I’d insulted them by not using any of their material tonight.”
“Are you kidding? They were scribbling notes left and right. I think they each filled a yellow pad. You gave them inspiration tonight. There could be a whole new generation of monologues that arise from this,” Nikki said.
“I hope they are better than what I did.”
“Brian, you spoke from the heart. We all knew why. We all knew what inspired you. We all got the message,” Nikki said. “None of us care if any of your audience in the studio or in TV-land got it. We got it. And we love you. Now come to bed.”
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