Becoming the Storm
50 To Love
IT HAD BEEN A SPECIAL REQUEST and was delivered to me by Rose in a casa meeting. I sighed when she told me about it. Everyone at the table sat and waited for me to respond.
“Do I want to? Hell, yes. I’m male and she is flat-out gorgeous. Should I do this? Crap! I don’t know. How am I supposed to know what’s best for her?” I complained. Talk about being blindsided. I should have known if I’d been paying attention instead of running around the country on a campaign. This week alone, I’d done three telephone interviews and a studio interview at WNAP. Shelley continued to be a great ally.
“Do you love her?” Rose asked.
“Do I love her like I love you?” I responded. “No.”
“Do you love her like you loved Lexi?”
Goddamn! Shit! Fuck! Was Rose calling into question whether or not I loved Samantha’s little sister? I’d made love to her. I’d promised her that I would and it was a promise that I gladly kept. Repeatedly. It ripped a hole in my heart when she died. But did I love her like I loved Rose? Or Hannah? Or Whitney? Or Samantha? Or…? No. I loved her like one of our younger clan members who was precious to me. I loved her like… I glared at Rose. I tried to keep the tears back.
“Yes.” It was only a whisper and I guiltily glanced over at Samantha. She smiled and nodded.
“Then you should make love to her,” Rose whispered back.
So here I was. We’d had a lovely dinner with the family, entertaining her brother and parents. They’d hung around until way late and then Ross came over and collected Brett to take him to the dorm. Theresa stood and easily took charge of Bonnie and Jack, leading them away for a night with Casa de los Caballos. Bonnie looked back at her daughter curiously as she was being led out the door.
I took Pam’s hand and led her to the master bedroom.
“Honey, if you really just want to cuddle or play a little, that’s okay. You aren’t obligated to go through with this,” I said. She stood at the foot of the bed staring at me as she unfastened her gi and let it fall to the floor.
“Are you rejecting me?” she asked when she stood naked in front of me.
I almost didn’t answer. I was mesmerized. When I’d eaten Pam out, when I’d taught her to give a blowjob… she was still physically a little girl by comparison. Being eighteen or nineteen didn’t mean she was mature. It was fun and she wanted to be sexy, but it was in a little girl way. There was nothing ‘little girl’ about the twenty-year-old that stood naked in front of me. It’s not like she’d suddenly sprouted boobs the size of Brenda’s. She’d grown in the chest, but not that much. But everything about her was… mature. She had a thin waist and full hips. Her legs, which could only have been called ‘sticks’, had filled out and had a beautiful shape. The same was true of her arms. But her face! Her eyes had taken on a new dimension of adulthood. The slightly upturned nose and cupid’s bow lips were no longer juvenile, but were sensuous and inviting. She looked, sort of, worried. Oh shit!
“No! I’m not rejecting you, Pam. You… You’re just so beautiful! Why do you want a silly runt like me to be your first lover? Pam, you could have anyone!” She just stared at me. I was afraid I’d offended her and was about to dig myself a deeper hole.
“Rose was right. You really don’t get it, do you?” Rose?
“Get what?”
“That I love you. That we all love you. That we are in love with you,” she sighed. “There isn’t a woman in the entire clan who doesn’t love you. It’s not about what you did when he started shooting. It wasn’t even possible to think that you would do something else. You have always treated each and every one of us as though we were the most important person in the world to you. You gave me what I wanted and needed when I was eighteen. When I was in the dorm. When I was an uncertain little girl who wanted to try out her equipment. You loved me like I was the only woman you had ever seen. Brian, I think that even Mrs. Jacobs is in love with you. If you love me, even a little, please make love to me. I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for this night.”
I had all kinds of rational arguments why she was wrong. It was silly to think that old Mrs. Jacobs could be in love with a man young enough to be her grandson. But no words came out of my mouth. I loved Pam. I would never deny that. I took her in my arms and kissed her, pouring out my love to her. As we kissed, I explored her body with my hands and she pulled my gi from me. When we were naked, we moved to the bed and I worshiped her body with my mouth, moving from her lips to her full breasts to her stomach to her pussy. Pam was an active lover and explored my body as much as I did hers. When she had come the second time, I lay down beside her, softly stroking her body and filling my mind with the memory of her touch.
“I’m ready, Brian. I am so ready for you to fill me,” she whispered.
“PJ, when I was last down there, you had a hymen that was sensitive even to the touch of my tongue. You know that this could hurt, don’t you?”
“My gynecologist actually offered to snip it,” Pam laughed. “She said it would hurt less to have it out of the way and that my first time making love would be easier and more pleasurable. It was a really hard decision. But I finally decided to leave it intact. I could give you all kinds of stupid reasons. Saving the blood as proof of virginity. Not wanting any violation of my sacred space until the man of my dreams took me. Feeling that I was marking myself in an irreversible way. But none of those were the reason that I chose not to have her cut it.”
“What was the reason?” I asked.
“The reason is that she was a doctor. She’d clip it and say, ‘There, that didn’t hurt,’ and then she’d be gone and I’d feel alone and violated. I chose not to have her do it because to her it was just a bothersome membrane. But I knew by then that you would be my first. I knew that you would care about it. You would know that it hurt and turn that hurt into something special. I knew that you would take my hymen out of love—not in an act of surgery. Please, Brian. Please make love to me now.”
I rolled onto my back and pulled Pam over the top of me. She smiled. I wasn’t going to be passive about this, but she would be in control. Once she was on top of me, she simply lay there as we kissed. I ran my hands from her shoulders to her butt. I petted her blonde hair and ran my fingers through it. Eventually, she rose up a bit. I held my cock upright and helped her find the position. When it was lined up correctly, she slammed down and I entered her. She gasped and tears ran down her face. I kissed them away and then kissed her cheeks, her nose, and her lips. As our lips met and opened, our tongues danced together. Somewhere in the midst of that, we began to move. It was beautiful. We gave ourselves to each other fully. And when we came, the world stood still.
“Run!” I screamed. I sat up straight, seeing the shooter track toward me.
“Brian?”
I threw myself on top of Pam, hugging her beneath me. I had to protect her. I couldn’t fight the gun. I would shield her with my body.
“Shhh. He’ll know we’re here.”
“There’s no one here, Brian. We’re in bed. It’s okay. You’re making it hard for me to breathe.”
I pushed up slightly. Bed. Darkness illuminated only by the digital clock. It was 4:30 a.m. I looked around, my senses heightened, unable to believe there was no threat. Holding my breath.
A dream.
I hadn’t had a nightmare in two weeks. But it was okay. Lexi was safe beneath me. No. Not Lexi. Pam. Lexi was dead, her ashes flowing in the River of Life. It was just the nightmare and I’d nearly crushed Pam in my panic. I pushed away and lay on my back.
It’s not gone. I thought it was gone. What am I going to do? Hannah, help me! I can’t take the nightmares!
“You love me,” Pam whispered. “Even in your dream, you protected me. You put your body between me and the shooter. Oh, Brian! I love you.”
The bedroom door opened. Two figures were silhouetted by the hall light.
“Are you okay?” Hannah asked.
“Can we come in?” Dani said.
“Come,” Pam answered. “He had a nightmare.”
“I heard him scream in my head,” Hannah said. “It’s okay, Brian. We’re here.”
“Your little girl wants you to touch her,” Dani said. “She was worried about you.”
Hannah and Dani stretched out on the bed on either side of us, sandwiching Pam and me in the middle. I took a deep breath and it shuddered through my body. My two cónyuge wrapped us in their arms. My hand rested on Danielle’s belly and I felt the unmistakable swish of a tiny life passing beneath my hand.
“Yes, Pam. I love you,” I whispered as she held her face close to mine. We kissed and I fell back into a long dreamless sleep.
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