Becoming the Storm
41 Wade in the River
WHITNEY WAS THE FIRST back to the ranch and set up with the deputy at the first entrance. Before I got there, Adam was already with the deputy at the village entrance. They were simply checking to be sure that everyone who arrived was family. No one but clan members were allowed back at the ranch and everyone was too exhausted to deal with anything or anyone else. We didn’t even gather all together. Sam and Hannah went to stay the night with Sam’s parents. Mom, Dad, Anna, and the Woods came to the house for a while, but mostly that was so Mom, Anna, and Sylvia could cook dinner for our casa. I’d had very little chance to talk to Addison. She had left for Seattle right after the incident and only came back for a day to do Elaine’s show with her. I hadn’t even found out if she was coming back to school.
Bart sat in my big chair and Dani curled up in her father’s lap. I noticed that even her father was subject to constantly petting her and letting her pet his face and arms. There was never anything inappropriate about their touches, but I could see they had the same calming effect on Bart that they had on me—and everyone else. When we all sat down to dinner, Dani whispered in my ear and I agreed to make the official announcement.
“We’re all recovering from a tragedy,” I said. “But with Danielle’s parents and sisters here, we want to make an announcement.”
“You’re pregnant,” Debbie joked and started to laugh. When nobody joined her she looked at us with saucer-sized eyes. “Oh my God! You really are!”
“Yes,” I said. “Thanks for stealing our line.”
“What? Seriously?” Bart said.
“Seriously. In fact, we are eleven weeks along tonight. Her due date is New Year’s Day,” I said. “Danielle is convinced that we are about to have a daughter. You will be grandparents.” Her sisters practically fell over each other to reach her and hug.
“You seem so certain about the date,” Sylvia said. “And you three obviously knew already,” she accused Mom.
“Well, we guessed it the day Danielle came up to take Brian out of rehab. But they refused to actually confirm it until just now,” Mom said.
“And the date?” Sylvia asked.
“Well, it’s pretty easy. Dani and I only made love once the night before the shooting. That’s eleven weeks ago.”
“Only once?” Bart roared. “You mean, you’ve never…?”
“Pap,” Dani said softly. “We’ve been making up for it since we got back.”
“Oh. Well… I didn’t mean… Sylvia? We’re going to be grandparents!”
I could have predicted that the meal would end with a shot of Triple Crown Bourbon. For everyone except Dani.
And, bless her heart, Rose stood before us and wrapped a red thread around our wrists in the presence of Dani’s parents.
A few more of the tribe arrived on Sunday morning. Bill and Crystal Price had come on Saturday and then went home. They couldn’t leave the restaurant unattended Saturday night. They drove back down on Sunday afternoon. Art and Teri Pratt came down from Indianapolis and Hannah’s parents came over from French Lick after church. But this was a time for the clan to finally, formally, say goodbye to Lexi. Mostly, Rose would take care of things. Everyone knew I wouldn’t be worth much.
The order of the day was everyone in white gis with clan, tribe, or casa belts. There was a large fire laid and unlit that we all gathered around, just leaning on each other and holding on.
“We wanted to create a family cemetery here at El Rancho del Corazón,” Rose said. “There are a lot of them out in the country and we thought it would be a simple thing. It turns out that it isn’t. You have to go through a huge approval process and put aside maintenance funds in perpetuity in order to have a cemetery approved, even as part of an Indiana community or town. However, in conducting our investigation, we discovered that either burying or scattering ashes on a family plot is not restricted. We have established a plot where we can scatter the ashes of our loved ones. Larry, Del, Josh, Doug, and others from the community have worked diligently over the past few weeks to create our own peace garden. It is to that garden that we will now proceed.” Rose led the way and we all fell in behind her in a pretty rag-tag formation. Even the horses wandered along with us to the edge of the woods.
It was unbelievable. I knew in concept what they’d been working on, but I hadn’t been out to look at it. A lot of the work had been done while I was still in the hospital and I hadn’t been on a horse since I got out. It was a huge Zen garden. It wasn’t square or rectangular, but wandered a little. A hedge surrounded the area. Smooth gravel filled the inner area with rocks carefully placed to break the flow as if it was a river.
“Take off your shoes and join us in the river,” Rose said. The smooth stones gave way enough beneath our feet that they didn’t hurt even the most tender soles. Sly, Lily, and Samantha stood next to Rose. If you wiggled your feet a little, they sank into tiny stones. They were warm on top and cool beneath. I wondered how deep they went. Sly gave the little cardboard box of Lexi’s ashes to Samantha. Sam stood in front of Rose. Hannah and I stood at her side. “These are the ashes of our friend, lover, cousin, sister, daughter, Alexandra Cortales,” Rose continued. “She has gone before us and is the first of our tribe to bless this garden of peace. We may all come to sit with her on occasion. You might not know this, but Lexi loved the horses—especially Silk. Do you see Silk on the other side of the hedge? As much as she loved the horses, she never rode. But she would fill her pockets with carrots and come out to the pasture. The horses would gather around, happy to have the treats, and like many of us, Lexi would talk to them about how she felt or what was new in her life. Now, she’ll be out here with them forever.”
Samantha turned and opened the box, letting the ashes slip from the bag within it as she walked along the path of the winding garden. We all lined the path she walked and Rose took a wooden rake and raked the beginning of the trail into the gravel. She handed the rake to Sly. He and Lily raked a little portion of the trail. They handed the rake to Hannah and me and we raked a bit of the path before handing the rake on. Down the entire trail of ashes, the rake was passed. At the end, where Samantha stood with an empty box, there were three more rakes. Cousins took the rakes and began at the far end of the garden raking a bit toward the start and handing the rake on to someone else as we retreated to the opening in the hedge. When we were all outside the gravel river, there was no trace of Lexi or of our footsteps.
“This is where we will all come one day,” Rose said. “We will join our ashes together as we have joined our lives. This is our home. Our land. There is a stone in the river with Lexi’s name and dates engraved on it. Even though we couldn’t get their ashes, there are also stones for Denise and Jack Raymond. They were every bit a part of our tribe and it is right that they should be memorialized here. Lexi, we will go on with our lives. That’s the fate of those who remain behind. But we will always remember you and we will always miss you. Go in peace to the River of Life.”
We turned and walked back to the firepit.
It had been nearly three months since the killings. When we all got back to the firepit, Larry lit it and before long we were standing before an Independence Day bonfire. It was approaching ninety degrees out and everyone had water in tin cups.
“I remember when Arnie Thornton came out the first time,” Brenda said. “First thing he told us was that we had to get rid of the paper cups and get everyone a tin cup so we wouldn’t be filling the garbage with disposables.” A bunch of us laughed, remembering when we were just getting started on the barn remodel.
“I miss him. We need a good building project to get him involved in.”
“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” John said as he came up to us. “Arnie volunteered to act as general contractor to build the fire station using high school labor. The Council was still being reluctant to put in our own station until he took a chunk out of the costs.”
“Doesn’t seem like that would be such a big chunk when you compare it to the cost of firetrucks and such,” Lamar said. Sarah was glued to his side in spite of the heat and looked up at him adoringly. I had a wistful tug at my heart seeing my former lover so much in love with my friend. They were so happy together.
“Well, state and national grants are actually taking care of a lot of that,” John said. “It is amazing how much help is available for people who are willing to take the initiative. Donating the land and utilities for the station has given Corazón a very good reputation in the township. We’ll have a bond issue in the November balloting to fund the remaining costs and no one doubts that it will sail through.”
Nikki and Liz came up beside me and each put an arm around me. It was just a comfortable hug. I looked around and all of us were in small groups around the fire, making connection with each other. While we were all mourning, we were also reconnecting. We were seeking normal. Little groups broke into laughter at memories of something from our past. Not all were about Lexi. One story would spark another.
I saw Sly and Lily move toward the fire with Hannah and Samantha. I joined them. We didn’t really say anything, but Sly kissed the box that had held Lexi’s ashes and tossed it into the fire. We watched until it, too, was just ash. My parents, Anna, and Hannah’s parents were with us when we turned away from the fire, and hugged each of us. Sam’s arm was still in a sling unless she was working on her physical therapy. Even in the sling, though, she held her tin cup in that hand and used it to take sips of water. The therapist had said lifting a coffee cup was about the right weight to be working with. She was making progress, but would probably not regain more than half her original strength and mobility in that arm.
Somehow, Hannah and I came together in a three-way kiss with Samantha that was as smooth and natural as when Jennifer, Courtney, and I kiss. We grinned at each other and then went about meeting with others and sharing our grief, our joy, and our love.
“Hey, everybody!” Rose called. “How can we have a clan-wide bonfire without important announcements?” We all laughed. “We’re celebrating Lexi’s life with the fire. It’s appropriate that we celebrate some other things, too. First, Brian and Danielle.” I moved to Rose’s side and Dani came to join me. She hugged me and whispered that I should tell everyone. Her voice was still pretty small as she couldn’t open her mouth too wide yet.
“I wasn’t going to come back to the ranch when I finished physical therapy on Memorial Day weekend. I was going to go spend some time with the folks up in Mishawaka. But you all know that Danielle came to the rehab center and brought me home. What most of you don’t know was that she convinced me by putting my hands on her tummy and telling me that my daughter needed me,” I said. “I guess that’s our announcement. Dani is pregnant and I’m going to be a very proud father again.” There were a lot of cheers. How appropriate to have a birth announcement at a funeral. Rose wasn’t finished.
“Next, Casa del Sol,” Rose said. Lamar and Sarah stepped up. Lamar suddenly looked very small as Sarah took over the announcement.
“My novia Lamar and I would like to announce that we are engaged to be married,” Sarah said. She held up her hand with a diamond sparkling on her finger. “We’ve set November 27 as our wedding date, pending Daddy’s approval that he and the church in French Lick are available to perform the ceremony Thanksgiving weekend. You are all invited.” I clapped my hands so hard they stung. Joy and happiness amidst the ashes.
“Sora and Tim,” Rose said. You could see Sora’s glow.
“We’re jumping the line ahead of Lamar and Sarah,” Tim said. “High school football practice at Scottsburg begins August ninth. We want time for a little honeymoon before I get caught up in the craziness. We’ve decided on a simple wedding here at the ranch with Rose officiating on July 31. Anyone who is here is invited to attend. Otherwise there will be just our families present.” We clapped. Sarah and Sora. I knew I would eventually lose both of them. It was bittersweet.
“We have one other announcement,” Sora said. Was she pregnant? “We’ve talked long and hard about this. In fact, it is why we aren’t already married. We wanted to make sure we knew what we were doing. I love all my hearthmates in Casa del Fuego. Brian, I hope you know how much I love you and cherish all that we have had together. But Tim and I want a traditional marriage… just the two of us. So we have decided to treat Casa del Fuego as our parent casa and are forming a new household, Casa del Bola. Athletes, you know. We hope that our hearthmates in Casa del Fuego will welcome us back like parents do their children when we visit home.”
That got a couple tears going. Rose and I stepped up to the two and hugged them. We gave them our blessings and assured them that they would always have a home with us and that we couldn’t wait to meet our ‘grandchildren.’
Hello. Goodbye. I love you. I’m leaving. I’m gone. I’m born.
So many transitions in life that we celebrate and endure. Getting them right and getting them wrong. But you go through the transition just the same.
“I’ve raided the freezer and have the last of my hoard of Thin Mints,” Jennifer announced. “Here are marshmallows. Lexi loved s’mores. Everybody come toast one in her honor!”
Leave it to my little Girl Scout. We laughed and giggled. I found myself bouncing my son on my knee as I fed him the gooey treat. Doreen cuddled against me.
“We got kind of delayed in making a little sister,” she said. “Do you suppose we could start soon?”
“I think we should just fill the ranch with children and keep all the women barefoot and pregnant,” I said.
She giggled. “It wouldn’t take much encouragement for some of us. Rhiannon and Doug are practically dancing around the idea. If Rhiannon hadn’t promised her parents she’d get her degree, she’d be pregnant already. She really regrets having committed to the five-year program.”
“How about we start tonight,” I suggested.
“Are you kidding?” Doreen asked. It wasn’t excitement. She looked appalled. “If I took her Fourth of July fireworks away from her, Whitney would kill me!”
I laughed. Yes, life goes on.
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