Becoming the Storm
33 Alive
MY EYES SNAPPED OPEN.
“Run!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. But there was no sound. I couldn’t see anything. My mouth wouldn’t move. “Run!” I tried again. Lexi. Samantha. Dani. I couldn’t save them. How many did he kill? Why was I alive? I could feel tears leaking from my blind eyes. I couldn’t stand this. It was too much to bear. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. Pain shot through my whole body. I smelled the sudden release of fear through my pores, my bowels, my bladder. I couldn’t save them.
Just let me die.
Screams. Shouts. My name. Doctor! Everything was on fire. I was burning. Why was I burning? I’m in hell. Doctors can’t help. John was right. His religion was right. I was burning up and my head was filled with the screams of my cónyuge as they died. Died. They were all dead. I was in hell. I would spend eternity hearing them crying my name for help. I deserved it. I failed.
Please, let me die.
“Brian. It’s okay. Your fever spiked when you regained consciousness. You’ll be okay now. Stay with us, Brian.”
Someone was talking to me. A calm voice. As if I was a spooked horse. I tried to answer. I couldn’t form words around the things in my throat. I had to get to Sam and Dani and poor Lexi. I struggled but couldn’t move.
“You’ve been out for a long time. We’re going to get you through this. You’ve fought a hard battle, but you’re winning now. Stay with us.”
I was winning. I was no longer on fire. There was something cool on my head. Ice. When hell freezes over. Everything else was silent.
Except the screams in my head. Except watching my loved ones die.
I was alive.
But I’m still in hell.
A drip on the back of my hand.
Then on the other.
I screamed as I came awake. Blood was dripping on me. I tried to move my hands but they were held in place. I squeezed. They squeezed back.
“I love you.” A duet of angels beside me.
How can anyone love me? How can I ever again be loved? I failed. I let them die.
Tears ran from my eyes down my cheeks. They were kissed away.
“You’re here. You’re really back.”
I blinked my eyes. So watery. Rose. Hannah. How could they hold my hands? Kiss my cheeks? I let our cónyuge die.
“You’re our hero,” Hannah whispered. “You’ve always been my hero. You saved so many lives. Oh, Brian. How can you be so brave?”
How could she be so wrong? I’d seen our cónyuge fall. Our poor sweet Samantha. Dani!
“Oh, God! You don’t know.” Rose said. “Brian, Samantha is recovering. It was nasty but she’s home. Courtney was just a flesh wound. You deflected the bullet down that could have killed her.” Courtney? I didn’t know she’d been hit.
“Dani?” I croaked. Hannah put a straw to my mouth and I sipped in water. Blessed water. My throat still felt like it was on fire.
“She’ll be okay. It will take a little while. Be patient, lover,” Rose said. I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Lexi?” I knew the answer as soon as they dropped their heads.
“She never had a chance. They say she died instantly.”
“No!” I cried. “I tried. I tried. I tried.”
“There was nothing you could do, Brian. There was no way you could have saved her. He chose her and her sorority big sister first. Before anyone knew what was happening. There was nothing anyone could do,” Rose said.
“And Addison is okay,” Hannah said. “But… her boyfriend didn’t make it. He was a hero like you and protected her.”
Oh, God! Three dead. Three more wounded. Four if you counted me, but I don’t count. Samantha and Courtney and Danielle were alive. Oh, poor Samantha! She saw her sister gunned down. How can she ever live with that? How will we ever recover? How could I ever face her?
“The doctor wanted to be notified when you woke up again. I pushed the call button,” Hannah said.
The doctor talked. He went on about wounds. I didn’t really listen. He examined my stomach and my hip. Gastrointestinal perforation. I knew what that was. I was gut-shot.
I should have died. Why didn’t they just let me die?
“No!” I yelled. I jerked up and fell back with the pain. “Ah!” It was dark. The screams were in my ears. A hand clasped mine.
“Honeybunch, we’re here for you,” Mom said.
“Mom! Mom! Don’t die! I let them die! Run!” The nightmare was still in front of my eyes. Lexi! Sam! Dani! I’ll kill you, you bastard!
Mom was crying. Anna and Jennifer looked at me, horrified. Tears ran down their cheeks as they gasped. They couldn’t stand the sight of me. Then Dad. He put his hand on my shoulder.
“You scared us, son. But we’re so very proud of you. We thought we’d lost you. You died. They resuscitated you. But then you were in a coma. Now you’re back. You are my beloved son and you are back with us,” Dad said. He was crying. Fuck! I was crying. I’d never stop crying. If I’d attacked him first instead of yelling for everyone to run. I could have saved Lexi.
“How can you be proud of me when I let them die?” I screamed. “They should have left me dead.” Jennifer ran out of the room. She knew. I’d even let Courtney be hurt.
“Brian Robert Frost!” my father barked. Mom stumbled away as he hovered over me. “Don’t you ever say such a stupid fucking thing again! I will take you to the barn and tan your hide. You did everything humanly possible. More than humanly possible. You’ve been through a terrible experience, but you did nothing wrong. You did not fail. Your family is here for you.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you pain,” I whispered. “I couldn’t save them. He was killing us!”
That was the last of my coherent conversation. If that had been coherent. I wept. No one could console me. I hurt. My head. My throat. My back. My legs. My gut. He was still shooting me. I wailed until a doctor came in and knocked me out again.
I woke up again, shaking. I didn’t scream. I didn’t want to let him know I was there. If I could get there before he started shooting, I could kill him. I’d break his fucking neck.
“Brian. It’s okay, buddy.”
I twisted to strike out. Too far away! I couldn’t reach him. Pain lanced through my body again. I screamed. Josh hit the call button. Josh. I’d tried to kill Josh.
“Josh. I almost… I could have…” A nurse interrupted. Josh explained.
“He woke up startled and twisted. He might have torn something. It sounded like he was in pain,” Josh said.
“Let’s just take a look at your wounds and make sure everything is still okay. I don’t think you’ll do any damage to them at this stage. The stitches are pretty well healed. We need to get you up today and get you into physical therapy,” she said. She probed around under my gown. Almost healed? I couldn’t have been hurt that badly, then.
“What day is it?” I croaked.
“Tuesday,” Josh said.
“Two days. I need to get out of here. Samantha will need me. I need to see Courtney and Danielle.”
“Shh. Brian,” Cassie said as she soothed my hand. Where had she been? I didn’t even know she was there. She must have been hiding. She had to avoid the shooter.
“You aren’t going anyplace soon. You were seriously wounded. You’ve been fighting a high fever as a result of peritonitis,” the nurse said. “It’s been touch and go. You were in a coma for three weeks and in and out for the past two days.”
Three weeks? They would have had the funeral already. I missed saying goodbye. I missed graduation. Well, fuck that. Who cares? I missed Whitney’s birthday.
If they don’t give that fucker the electric chair, I’ll find him and kill him myself.
I slept most of the time. My cónyuge came in to see me. I thanked them. I sent them away. It wasn’t safe. I wasn’t safe. I’d nearly killed Josh.
Samantha came with her parents. I couldn’t look at her. She cried. Her arm was in a sling worn inside her baggy shirt.
“They have to rebuild my shoulder. They’ll start installing a titanium joint to replace the one that was destroyed,” she said. “It doesn’t hurt too much right now because they’ve got me on lots of drugs. But I’m a little spacey. More than usual. Mom and Dad are taking care of me. And all our casa. I just wish… I wish my sister was…”
There was no way I could bear this. I was going to die again from sorrow. All we could do was cry together. They’d had time. They had distance. To me it was yesterday. How could Lexi die?
It was an easy solution. I could stop the nightmares. I just wouldn’t sleep.
Courtney delivered the textbooks I asked for. She limped slightly.
“You’ll still play with my bottom, won’t you, Brian?” she whispered. “They said it was just a little dimple. It’s tender now. But it will be better. You’ll still… You’ll still love me, won’t you, Brian?”
“How can you love me? Don’t pretend. Run. Run far away, Courtney. I’m death.”
She cried and ran from the room.
Run!
I opened the text book and read. I’d already read this book, but it wouldn’t hurt to review. And while I was studying, I wouldn’t sleep. The night nurse came in and turned off my light. As soon as she was gone, I struggled to finally reach the switch and turn it on. I read. If I read chemistry texts, I wouldn’t sleep. If I didn’t sleep, there would be no nightmares. If there were no nightmares then I could sleep.
Read.
I’d almost made it through the night. It was a struggle to keep my eyes open. When they drifted shut I heard voices. Not screams and shouts. Whispers. I could almost hear them. Almost. Tickling around the edges of my senses. Peace. It was almost dawn. I drifted off to sleep.
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