Hearthstone Entertainment
61 ETA Awards
IT WAS EXCITING to be in LA. Even though we flew on a private plane, it was a long trip. We flew non-stop directly from Bloomington to Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, CA and it took nearly six hours. There was no flight attendant, but one of the pilots came back to tell us how to get soft drinks and snacks. There were single seats on one side of the plane and two seats on the other. Hannah had a death grip on my hand when we boarded.
“I’ve never flown before.”
“Do you want to sit by the window so you can see out?” I asked.
“Yes. No! Yes! Sit beside me.” Hannah spent takeoff clutching my arm with her head buried against my shoulder. She was there for a long time and I realized she’d fallen asleep. Dr. McCall had given her a prescription for something to help her through the flight. Landing was easier and Hannah was the only one of us who got off the plane bright, cheerful, and refreshed. The rest of us were dragging.
A bus met us and took us to a big hotel in West Hollywood. Hollywood! Fuck! How cool is that? Professor Richards, from Brown, was surprised when we only took two rooms for our group. Lonnie chuckled and turned to her.
“I feel bad for Jason,” he said. “He’ll be all alone in that room tonight.”
“You mean they aren’t splitting up by men and women?”
“Those five do everything together. They live together.”
“Well, Nicolette lives in Providence,” Professor Richards said.
“No. I had to learn all about this last year,” Lonnie said. “She goes to school in Providence. She lives in Bloomington.”
By the end of dinner, we were all on a first-name basis and knew Erin Richards and her husband Jim. He was an engineering professor. We all thought we’d be too excited to sleep, but it turned out that we didn’t even play around when we hit the sack.
That was different in the morning and each of the four ladies and I had very satisfying climaxes before breakfast. I did kind of feel sorry for Jason.
That was short-lived. At nine o’clock we were loaded into buses with other award nominees and transported to the Seven Swans Studios, a major provider of cable television content. I think everyone in the group was excited enough to pee our pants. We were a bunch of college television wannabes and this was the heart of a major studio. Of course, seeing the set for Good Knight Tonight was incredible. He was a pioneer in late night variety shows and it was rumored he’d be retiring soon. Elaine pointed at his famous desk.
“One day…” she mused.
“Are you Elaine Frost?” an old guy in a suit said. He’d been with our guides as we toured the studio. Elaine nodded and held out a hand for him to shake. “How would you like your one day to be Monday?”
“I… What?” Elaine said.
“You know judging of the Educational Television Awards is done the same way the Emmys are. The tape is sent to members of the Academy to review and vote on. We’ve seen your tapes here and there’s a chance we might get you on the show. Charles likes your monologues.”
“Charles Knight has seen my monologues?” Elaine squeaked. I was wondering if this guy was maneuvering to get Elaine to the ‘casting couch’ Hollywood was so famous for.
“Is your producer with you?”
“Yes. My producer, my writer, my cameramen, my CEO. We’re all here.” Elaine pulled each of us forward as she named us. The suit immediately turned his attention to Hannah.
“Congratulations on your nomination, Ms. Gordon. This isn’t the time to talk, but give me a call in the morning after you’ve enjoyed the party. Good luck tonight. But even if you don’t win, it’s a great accomplishment. You wouldn’t be here at the awards if you didn’t produce something worthy.” He gave Hannah a business card, turned, and walked away. Hannah looked at the card.
“Oh, shit,” she whispered. I caught her and supported her before she collapsed. I took the card. ‘Frank Williams, Executive Producer.’
Of course, we told Lonnie and he talked to Erin and then they both skipped the Universal Studio Tour that afternoon and started making phone calls to their respective universities. Jason was no longer sitting with us on the bus. He was in an animated discussion with a pretty coed from Claremont. I didn’t feel so bad about him having a private room now.
We were delivered back to the hotel in time for dinner in our room so we could dress for the big night. They did everything they could to make this as much like a real Hollywood award show as possible. At seven o’clock, we received a call in our room that our transportation was ready. The girls looked fantastic in gowns ‘Designed by Leonard’. Except the professors and their spouses. They had to make do with what was in their closets, but they looked nice. All the men were in tuxes and we were all equally uncomfortable. We were met as we came off the elevator and were escorted to a limousine. It was as big inside as our airplane. All ten of us fit with no problem. Lonnie gave us rigid instructions on dismounting the limo. He and Jim would get out first followed by Jason and me. We would take up positions a yard behind them. Then their wives would join them on either side. Finally, the four girls would step out into our semi-circle so that no one could watch them getting out of the cars.
“Leaving the limo has always been the point at which celebrities are most vulnerable,” Lonnie said. “You’ve had some experience with that in dealing with Heaven. We received a briefing from the Academy and if there hadn’t been four men in our limo we would have been assigned a team who would block the door. I know that what you see on television at the awards shows the starlet emerging elegantly from the limo, but it requires a lot of practice to achieve that. There are actually nominees here who are younger than you and the Academy takes its responsibilities seriously. By the way, there will be no alcohol served at the event. There will be sparkling cider and you are welcome to drink as much as you want. Just remember that the more you drink, the more you need to pee. And no one—male or female—goes to a restroom alone.”
We followed directions and as soon as the six of us on the production team were ready, Hannah and Nikki linked arms with me. Elaine and April did the same with Jason. Then we made our walk down the red carpet. There were a couple stops along the way for photos. We tried not to look like dorks. At the last stop, an interviewer was allowed to ask one question.
“Ms. Gordon, how do you feel about the biggest night of your life?” the interviewer asked. What a lame question.
“Oh, I loved it! It was almost two years ago when Brian and I finally got together. I will never forget that night!” Hannah said. The interviewer creased her forehead.
“I meant tonight,” she said.
“Sure. It’s pretty cool, too.” We continued on into the theater and were shown to our seats. Lonnie, Ellen, Erin, and Jim did not have to walk the carpet and were already seated at our table. We breathed a sigh of relief when we were finally seated. “I haven’t even had anything to drink yet and already I have to go pee,” Hannah announced.
“Remember, nobody leaves the table without an escort,” Lonnie said. “Ladies, always take another lady with you into the restroom and have a gentleman escort you to the door. Gentlemen, use the restroom quickly and return to your post outside the ladies’ room. We’re half an hour from show time. It will probably take you that long to get in and out of the restrooms.” All six of us stood and made our way to the lobby.
It was a big event, but not big like the real Emmys or the Academy Awards. There were about fifty finalists in six categories. It looked like there was an average of five or six people per entourage. There were a couple small tables with only two people at them. There was also a smattering of people we recognized from ‘the industry.’ I had a feeling they were all involved with the event in some way or another and were mostly there to give us students the feeling that we were with the biggies. I noticed the program director from Lifelong Women’s Network was there and saw a couple television personalities I recognized at her table.
My pop culture quotient was really low. April had a game of Trivial Pursuit and I was horrid at it. I did okay in the category of Science and Nature, and not too bad in Sports and Leisure. Once it got to Entertainment, everyone in the clan could beat me. Occasionally Elaine would poke me and point out someone she recognized.
Derek Raimes was the headliner for the ceremony. He did a fifteen-minute schtick and we were all laughing and relaxed by the time he finished. Damn! He’d won a few awards himself. It said so on the printed commemorative program we each received. I guess you had to have a lot of entertainment when you were only giving out six awards. Even if every winner gave a five-minute speech, that would only be half an hour. So, for each category, they played clips of the show. Of course, they played Elaine’s ‘The Look’ monologue. Personally, I didn’t think anything else they showed was anywhere near as good.
Apparently, the Academy agreed.
“And the winner for best Comedy, Variety, and Alternative show is, Chick Chat starring Elaine Frost. Producer/Director, Hannah Gordon of Indiana University. Writer, Nicolette Duval of Brown University.”
We jumped up and down and screamed like idiots. All six of us went to the stage and we stood around Hannah as she received the award. The presenter pointed her to the microphone.
“Oh! I’m supposed to say something. I’m only a teenager. What comes next?” she started. “What you’ve seen is only five minutes of over 150 episodes of Chick Chat that we’ve recorded. It would be nothing without my friend, hearthmate, and host, Elaine Frost. We’ve had the rare privilege of working with one of the only women I know who is certifiably crazier than I am, our writer, Nicolette Duval. I want to thank our lead cameramen, April Lee and Jason Brown. Thank you to our professors, Lonnie Phillips of IU and Erin Richards of Brown. I would never have set foot on this path if it were not for the love of my life, my Patrón, co-CEO of Hearthstone Entertainment, and the star of Young Cooking, Chef Brian Frost. And finally, thank you for the undying support and encouragement of my family, my hearthmates, cousins, compañera, and cónyuge in Casa del Fuego and the Clan of the Heart. We’re bringing a new hearthmate back to El Rancho del Corazón!” She held the award high and we were ushered off stage.
As soon as we could get to a phone, we called home. You could hear the cheers from the studio. Of course, we had to call our various family members as well. Following Rose’s advice, every member of the casa had a calling card, so we could all get on payphones in the hotel lobby. Hannah called her sister and parents. I called my parents and then my sister. It took us a good half hour before we’d all hung up and finally went to the after party. We were having a blast and I noticed Jason got a very warm greeting from the cutie he’d hooked up with during the Universal tour. There was alcohol available at the after party, but the hotel required a hand stamp after ID had been verified. Elaine was the only one of our group who was over twenty-one, and she declined the offer of a drink.
Drinks weren’t the only thing being offered. I began to realize that some of the interest Jason’s friend had in him might not be because he’s generally a nice and good looking guy. Guys were hitting on our girls all evening and I had two or three pretty coeds come up to me to talk about ‘how exciting that you have your own studio and regular show.’ It was true that people were opportunists. I hoped we would not fall into that trap.
“A couple guys are coming up to my room to smoke a little weed and… uh… relax,” a fellow I’d just met said to me. “You’d be welcome to come with us and get out of that monkey suit.” I felt Elaine’s hand clutch mine and squeeze.
“Thanks for the invite,” I said. “I’m sticking close to my ladies tonight, though. You know how horny girls get when they’re excited,” I added confidentially. The guy rolled his eyes.
“Oh. Really,” he sighed. “Bitches.” He took off. To go relax. With a couple guys.
“The last time he put his hand on my ass, I grabbed it and gave him the pinch,” Nikki ranted in the room. “He wants me to come up and talk about writing for his show. Does he think I’m a blonde or something?” We looked at her blonde locks and all broke out laughing. “I’m gonna kill Liz,” Nikki muttered.
“What’s the pinch?” I asked innocently.
“It’s a defensive move Whitney taught us. It works remarkably well in social settings and you don’t have to punch a guy’s lights out,” Elaine said. “You grab the fleshy part of his hand between his thumb and forefinger. Then you just apply pressure. It looks like you are shaking hands, but you aren’t trying to crush the whole hand like guys do. It will send pain all the way up to his funny bone and leave him unable to grip anything for a few minutes if you have a strong enough pinch.”
“He’s just lucky I finished my period. I might have killed him.”
“No kidding. Touch me the first day auntie comes to call and you won’t have a hand left,” Elaine confirmed.
“It’s not like it’s real pain,” April added as if she was someone else talking. “You could be injured or something.”
“I like that,” Hannah said. “Can you do something with it?” She asked Nikki and Elaine. “What’s not real about your pain just because you didn’t fall off a roof or something?”
“Yeah,” Elaine said. “But it’s got to have bite. I don’t particularly want people laughing about my cramps.”
“I like the idea of not having to validate your pain against others’ pains,” Nikki said. “Like, what’s the difference for a kid who thinks his hero is Sammy Sosa and a kid whose hero is the father he lost in Iraq? Does one affect the other?”
“I could get really angry about stuff like that. It wouldn’t be all that funny,” Elaine said.
“You’ve done other monologues that weren’t funny,” Hannah said. “Some of them on purpose.” A bunch of pillows flew around the room and pretty soon we were all naked and piled on top of each other.
Comments
Please feel free to send comments to the author at devon@devonlayne.com.
