Hearthstone Entertainment
28 Emergencies
“EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!” Hannah called as she came out of Stall One. The guests for Elaine’s first show had departed and they were just about ready to start taping Sora, Rose, and Brenda. Hannah stepped up on the production platform to look at all of us. It was our next to the last day of taping, but I didn’t think Hannah was ready to start her ‘nice job’ speech. “We’ve got a problem and we’re short on solutions. Our last guests for our last day of shooting tomorrow, just canceled. It seems that someone told someone that we had a bunch of gays and drug addicts out here and they are mortally offended. To which I say, good riddance. But that leaves us without guests for tomorrow afternoon. This was our last sorority shoot—thank God. They were to be Brian’s guests, Elaine’s guests, and were going to work out with Sora. We need ideas. Who’s got them?”
“Is there anyone from our list for fall that we could move up?” Jason asked. There were a couple head shakes.
“How about another session with people from out here?” Joyce asked. “Maybe a martial arts demonstration?”
“We don’t really want to expose that on television,” Rose said.
“How about Larry and Theresa?” Elaine asked. “He was going to help me with my monologue tomorrow afternoon anyway. We actually rehearsed it. Why not move him and his pregnant wife onstage and I’ll theme something about cowboy love?”
“We could do that,” Nikki said.
“Do you think Theresa would object to going in front of the camera in her condition?” Samantha asked. “I’m not sure I’d get up there if I was that round.”
“We can ask,” Hannah said. “There could be some good humor in that set. I’ll call them. How about you, Brian?”
“Actually, that could work for me, too. I’ve had some ideas floating around for a cowboy cookout. Maggie and April, could we film at the firepit outside tomorrow?”
“Why not?” April said. “Do you want to run a cow or two from the neighbors in for atmosphere?”
“Not cows, but we could have the horses saddled and tied nearby. That would help with the background, too. Everybody loves looking at horses,” I said.
“How about exercise? Are we recruiting the senior girls again? They love to shake their butts in front of the camera,” Lauren laughed.
“Hey!” TK called from the kitchen. “We’ve got cute butts.”
“So do we,” Rich said. We all stopped and looked at him. “Us guys decided we needed the exercise, so we’ve been doing Sora’s routines. Let us shake our butts in front of the camera.”
“Do you have something cute to wear?” Sora asked. “Speedos?”
“Let’s not go overboard,” their director, John, said. “But Sora’s right. You have to have matching workout outfits.”
“I’ve got it,” Leonard said. “They’ll be ready.”
“You, too, little buddy,” Rich said. “We get up there, you are with us.”
I had to make a run into town after my shoot on Thursday. It felt good and also weird to think that I only had one more taping session before I was cut loose. And then what? A week off before classes started again. Sheesh! I sure hoped we could have a peaceful week to rest up before everyone had to scatter and hit the books again.
Friday morning, I started the campfire about the time the crew showed up. Angela brought me some fresh onions and carrots from the garden. Of course, I had to have two batches. We’d start inside and then head out for the fire. I was doing a lot of running back and forth and didn’t pay much attention to either Sora’s first exercise group or Elaine’s first interview. Theresa and Larry got to the ranch about ten, so we had plenty of time to go over what I was doing before Larry had to go rehearse Elaine’s opening sketch with her.
I had a good hot bed of coals and carefully placed my clay-wrapped potatoes in them before I built up the fire again.
It’s amazing what you can get at Goodwill. I managed to pick up two cast iron Dutch ovens and a large charcoal grill. I wasn’t interested in the big kettle, but the grate itself would fit on a hastily constructed brick frame in our firepit. Everything was ready to go when it was time to start shooting my show at eleven-thirty.
ME: It’s cowboy day here at the ranch. I’d like to introduce our head wrangler, Larry. Now you might notice that Larry is not one of my girlfriends. But we’re going to make a men’s cowboy dinner that will make all our girlfriends jealous.
LARRY: You won’t get Theresa mad at me, will you, Brian?
ME: I think the last time Theresa got mad at you was when you asked me to cook because she wasn’t very good at it.
LARRY: You would remind her of that. [To camera.] Honey, I love your cooking. You are very good at it and our baby will love it, too!
ME: You’ve been out on the trail a lot, Larry. What do cowboys eat at the campfire?
LARRY: Beans.
ME: Well, I don’t want to disappoint you, so as soon as I dump the carrots and onions in our kettle of pre-soaked beans, we’ll go get them on the fire. Now as much as I like beans, though, that doesn’t make much of a meal. We’re going to expand the menu with steak and potatoes. Let’s take this kettle out to the fire.
Carl, Doug, Josh, and Lionel had six horses saddled and tied about ten feet back from where we’d be working. Jason was on the handheld camera and April directed him from inside. She’d moved one camera on a tripod out for a stationary position that caught the horses behind me as I cooked. I got the kettle on the fire. Of course, this kettle had already been on the fire for an hour and a half. The one I’d just made up was cooking on the stove inside, tended by Mary. I demonstrated using long grass clippings from the field to mix with clay that had once been part of the barn floor and then pack it around a big potato. This went into the coals. Once again, of course, half a dozen potatoes had already been placed in the fire and should be about done.
The thing that took the most time was getting six steaks cooked to perfection on the grill. I’d intentionally gone with thinner steaks so we wouldn’t have them on the grill too long. In order to be sure they’d be edible, I’d pounded them and then soaked them in Carl’s barbecue sauce. Inside, Mary was cued as to when to start grilling similar steaks on our big indoor grill. I talked about the quality wood I was using. We had a few hickory trees in the back along with all the walnuts and had collected plenty of the aromatic firewood. When the steaks were done, the guys all held out metal pie pans that I got at Goodwill. I used my heatproof oven gloves to hold the potatoes as I pulled them out of the fire and cracked them open. Once the guys had scraped the baked potato out of the shell and onto their tin plates, I ladled beans over them.
LARRY: You know, Larry McMurtry wrote an entire scene in Lonesome Dove about cowboys sitting around a fire eating like this. Mostly, it wasn’t all that polite. [Laughter.]
[Cut to the six of us mounting up.]
ME: Well, whether you are at our campfire, off at your office, sitting home waiting for us, or whatever you are doing, just remember, girlfriend: No matter what, I still love you.
[Ride off into the pasture.]
As soon as we had a wrap on the scene, we fed the crew. It was a damn good meal. As far as the rest of the clan went, there would be people eating by the campfire all afternoon. Carl and Doug took charge of the outdoor cooking. Josh had responsibilities on Elaine’s show and Lionel went to help Whitney.
I couldn’t believe what Leonard had fixed up for the senior guys and their recruits. Sora, Rose, and Brenda led the workout dressed in their own version of a sexy cowgirl exercise outfit, complete with hats and boots for everyone. Rich, Monte, Ross, George, Tim, and Leonard were dressed like cowboys with western shirts, hats, and chaps. Sort of. All the camera angles were from the front. They did country line dances and at the end, when the camera panned around to the back of the guys, they were all wearing boxers with cowboys and lassos under their chaps. John had nixed the idea of wearing nothing. It was hilarious and the girls of the clan who watched were all hooting. It took about half an hour to get set up for Elaine’s show. All the women of the clan and crew who weren’t actively engaged in shooting or teching the show were in the audience. Cowgirl outfits were the prevalent fashion. It was a big group and the seating was pretty haphazard. Hannah was using all four cameras. The handheld would be picking up audience reactions. We guys sat at the kitchen counter with soft drinks as if it were a bar.
“Places,” Hannah called. “Live in sixty seconds with music. Cameras, speed. Sound. Lights.” Each operator called back affirmation. Hannah counted it down and Warren’s trio hit a more country sounding version of Elaine’s theme music. I don’t understand music that well. It was pretty amazing how three guys could change a jazz piece to a country western piece and still use the same instruments. While we were all watching the trio, Larry slipped in and sat on a stool in front of Elaine’s leather chair. He’d changed shirts and had a neckerchief on and gloves. His Stetson was pulled down over his eyes and his chin was on his chest. Elaine made her entrance and the music died as we applauded. Then she was off.
ELAINE: I love cowboys, don’t you? Rugged, tall, handsome, John Wayne types. I mean the tall, white hatted Dare, growling ‘This is no time to think,’ not the one-eyed Rooster Cogburn who is too old and fat to jump a four-rail fence. Well, with luck we all get old. The worst thing, though, is that they never say the right thing. So, I’ve been working on my ventriloquism skills. And I got my very own life size cowboy dummy to play with.
[Sits down behind Larry and begins adjusting his position. Head up. Hat back. As she starts turning his head left and right, his eyes fly open. His mouth flaps open and closed a couple times.]
ELAINE [as Larry]: I didn’t think you were going to let me say anything. [His flapping jaws have no coordination with what is being said.]
[To aside camera.] You couldn’t even see my mouth move!
[To camera two.] Did you ever wonder what it would be like if cowboys said things that cowboys would never say? This one says them all! [Turns Larry’s head back and forth. His eyes move and then mouth starts opening and closing at random. Elaine ducks behind him.]
[as Larry] I need a smaller truck.
There’s no reason for anyone to carry a gun.
I don’t wear a belt. Why would I need a buckle?
I’ll have decaf.
I’m a vegetarian.
Her boobs are waaay too big.
My other horse is a Geo.
I love my leisure suit.
Honey, I’ll do the dishes. You just rest.
Bartender, I’ll have a Cosmopolitan.
[To camera two]
I love my Cowboy Larry Dummy. Anything I want him to say, he says. Just wait until he tells me he wants a romantic evening.
LARRY: [Turns head to look Elaine up and down.] You’re cute, Elaine. But I’m married.
ELAINE: [To aside camera.] I didn’t expect him to say that!
Theresa joined Larry on set. He stayed on the stool, but shifted it over to sit where he could hold Theresa’s hand. It was a fun conversation, though Theresa kept shifting and grimacing.
ELAINE: Are you uncomfortable, Theresa? We can get another pillow.
THERESA: Junior has been giving me fits all day. I’m really ready… [Doubles over. Larry reaches for her and quickly pulls his hand back to look at it dripping water.]
LARRY: Theresa, I think…
THERESA: This is no time to think, Larry. I’m having a baby!
LARRY: Oh! I have your bag in the car. We’ll have to leave for the hospital now. Sorry, Elaine. [Confusion as Larry tries to get Theresa up and she doubles over again. Water drips all over.]
THERESA: [Crying.] There isn’t time, Larry. I’m having a baby. Right now!
[Scramble as Larry carries Theresa to guest room.]
ELAINE: You guys are all kidding, right? You set me up for this? Right? Oh, my goodness. Can we get a camera in there?
“Cut!” Hannah yelled.
Dawn had run for the stairs and was coming back down with her nurse’s kit. She didn’t have a black bag, but she did have basic equipment like a blood pressure cuff and a stethoscope. Angela was already in the kitchen running a pan full of hot water. Cathy ran to the towel bin and grabbed an armload. All three women followed Larry and Theresa into the guest room and closed the door behind them.
We’re having a baby!
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