Hearthstone Entertainment
16 Redress
WE WERE TOO TURNED ON to completely stop what we were doing and trek into the barn to get proper equipment. Instead, we just kept loving each other with mouths and fingers and vows to equip the motorhome with condoms. And before we got to the point where we could contemplate leaving our little love nest, we were asleep.
I awoke at four-thirty with my dream girl in my arms. I kissed the top of her head and started talking to Hannah, telling her to start forms without me. Like that was going to happen. I drifted back to sleep until Amy called our names from the doorway.
“All right, lovebirds. Time to get up and rejoin humanity. Brian, Whitney says that if you aren’t up and on the field in ten minutes, I have permission to spar with you.” She grinned. “I’d like that. So just go back to sleep if you think you can do your show with a few broken bones.”
“Who hired that bitch?” Jessica grumbled as she glared at Amy.
“I’m not sure, but I am headed for the field. I have to run in and get a gi,” I said. I slid out of bed and grabbed my clothes from the pile where they’d been discarded last night.
“Don’t dress on my account,” Amy laughed, still looking at us from the doorway. At me.
“Have fun in the dormitory last night?” I teased.
“Oh. Two… or three of us borrowed the second guest room last night,” she smirked. “Believe it or not, Mr. and Mrs. Partridge are already up and sitting in the kitchen.”
I stopped and put my pants on. Everything had gone to hell so fast last night that I hadn’t even checked to see if they were out of the hospital. I hurried into the barn, said ‘hi’ to them as I poured a cup of coffee and ran upstairs to get ready for forms. There were some days when being a morning person didn’t help. Especially with fourteen or fifteen naked girls running around upstairs trying to get dressed as quickly as I was.
“Which group am I leading this morning, master?” I asked Whitney.
“You’re getting lazy. Join the advanced group. Amy will lead it.” She winced slightly and I noticed a bruise on her side. I reached toward her and she flinched away. “She’s really very good,” Whitney added. Holy shit! We pulled on our gis and headed for the field.
“It looks like a sedate group this morning,” I said to Hannah as I watched Rose greet the audience and get them seated. Six men and a lone woman. Then Grace joined them. Hannah invited her so there would at least be a second woman in the audience. It’s supposed to be a women’s talk show.
“Don’t bet on it,” Hannah laughed. “Unlike Senator Remington, Representative Leaf arrived alone in a beat-up Ford Taurus. Her audience is the Bloomington Ecumenical Council.”
“Preachers?”
“Yes. Fortunately, only the more liberal churches join the Ecumenical Council. They are the ones that will at least consider that someone else might have a valid opinion on something. Still… They’re preachers. Oh. There’s Mom and Dad. I should say hi.” She was off to greet her parents who had driven up from French Lick. Well, that evened up the odds some. Seven men and three women. And a congresswoman as guest. What had they cooked up?
ELAINE: I’m going to take this opportunity today to announce the formation of a new religion. And all you preachers in the audience today can join it without even leaving your pulpits. I figure if a science fiction writer can start a religion based on diuretics, then a comedienne should be able to start a religion based on humor. It’s the one thing that most religions seem to lack.
We’re big on things that separate us from others. My religion is going to emphasize what brings us together. Did you hear about the three ecumenical preachers who walked into a bar? No? Nobody else has ever heard of it either. [Laughter.]
See? That’s what brings us together. We find a little something we can all laugh about. But like all new religions, I need a name. The good ones have all been taken. Methodist. Catholic. Hindu. Islam. Taoism. I have decided to become an Egotarian. I figure that’s appropriate, since I’m the only member.
Egotarianism is based on whatever I say is true. I don’t need a holy book because I’m it. I don’t need a doctrine because I’m it. I don’t need a creed or a ritual or a canon or a sacrament or a cathedral… Scratch that. I’d like you to build me a big church with, say, seven bedrooms, ten baths, and an indoor swimming pool. Yeah. Religion is a pretty cool thing!
Based on the history of the religions of the world, I can now claim to be tax exempt. I can excuse my children from public school classes that I don’t agree with. I can have my own vestments if I want. New shoes! I plan to spend every Sunday—No. Friday night. Why would I want to get up on Sunday morning?—every Friday night in my own little pulpit in a miniskirt. My pulpit will move around to all the best dance venues.
I can lobby congress for special exemptions from military service, political service, foreign service, and any other service. Why, based on the history of religions, I could even start my own wars.
Egotarianism is easy. It’s funded from my own pocketbook and whatever I can convince others to give me. Its only expense is my shoes. Its only member is me.
And the religion is spreading fast! So far it has reached an area of nearly 200 square inches on your television screen.
Oh my! I just realized I’m a televangelist!
Watch out ministers of the world! When you look out on your congregation Sunday morning, chances are you’ll be looking into the eyes of Egotarians!
[Applause.]
I breathed a sigh of relief. Elaine wasn’t leaving anyone out of her humor. And to do it in front of some of the area’s most powerful ministers. I wondered if Hannah had invited her father here specifically to poke fun at him. They all seemed to take it in good humor and I saw one or two nudging each other as they laughed. Brighty whispered something to the lady minister at the end of Elaine’s monologue and both of them broke up laughing.
ELAINE: I’m so happy to have, as my guest today, Representative Jan Leaf of the the 4th Legislative District—the only Hoosier woman currently serving in the House or Senate. Please help me welcome Congresswoman Leaf.
[Applause. Handshake. Sit down.]
ELAINE: Representative Leaf…
LEAF: Please. As long as it’s just us girls, call me Jan. [Elaine whispers to aside camera.]
ELAINE: She can’t see you!
Jan, besides the standard questions about how high a heel is appropriate for a well-dressed congresswoman, how does organized religion fit in the government of the United States? After the last presidential election, the organization called The Moral Majority announced that it had fulfilled its mission and Rev. Jerry Falwell announced that it was now dissolved. Where are we in terms of the influence of religion on politics?
I was stunned. I expected Elaine to focus on women in politics with our only female representative. But once again, she’d played a different card than I expected. Across the room, Nikki caught my eye and smirked. What a team!
I was so relieved to have Jordan and Grace back and be able to do my show with Addison. And Maggie really came through, as well. During the exercise taping, she moved Elaine’s two leather chairs over by the kitchen for Grace and Jordan to sit in so they wouldn’t have to perch by the counter. Jordan was in good spirits, but you could tell he was still a little weak and he stayed in his air-conditioned room until it was time to shoot. At the last minute, they moved one of the exercise platforms over and put the chairs up a level. April added the handheld camera to our mix, recruiting Jason to operate it. His job would be solely to capture the older couple.
At the counter, Allen and Betts were joined by Doreen and Doug ‘Darling’. We had some friendly banter and Addison took on the role of a young woman cooking for the in-laws. We had fun and there was a lot of laughter. At one point, Jason caught April on camera as he was shooting Grace and Jordan. The production platform was located almost right behind them. April had the good grace to wave at him and then cut to a different camera.
Maggie went ballistic. It took the entire time from the end of my show through the exercise show to the beginning of Elaine’s show to calm her down.
“The contract says no photography of people who aren’t in the show or the audience, Jason! You intentionally turned the camera on the production crew. I don’t want to lose my job over your mistake,” Maggie yelled when we got into Stall One.
“Didn’t the production crew all sign releases?” I asked.
“He could have picked up anyone in the studio. Heaven could have been standing over there,” Maggie insisted.
“If she had been, I’d have cut to a different camera,” April said. “Maggie, it isn’t that big a deal.”
“What will Ms. Gordon say?” Maggie practically screamed. “You saw what she did to Bill Sharp.”
“Well, let’s find out what she says,” I said. “Maggie, I think you are being unreasonable.”
“Don’t call her in. I don’t want to be fired!” Maggie cried. I nodded to April to get Hannah and I went to hug Maggie. The girl was terrified. Jason sat on the floor with his head in his hands. April returned with Hannah. Sam was with her.
“What’s the problem?” Hannah said brusquely. She looked at me so intently that I released Maggie and stepped back.
“He pointed the camera into the production booth,” Maggie said.
“Wait,” April said. “If anyone is at fault, it’s me. I positioned Jason and gave him instructions to get the Partridges from different angles as we were filming. I knew the production booth was within range of the camera. It’s not his fault. He was doing his job.” Maggie seethed at April. I suddenly realized that she knew she could lord it over a cameraman, but she couldn’t touch the director.
“Let’s go see the footage,” Hannah said simply. She walked out the door. We all scrambled to follow her to the production platform. Sora’s exercise show had just ended and Hannah asked everyone else to leave the platform except the four of us and Joyce, who had become the master board operator. Joyce cued up the scene.
It showed me as Addison made a joke at my expense. I looked up at Jordan and Grace and said, “Papa Jordan, do I have to put up with this?” It was a perfect cut to Jordan and Grace as he shrugged and said, “I put up with it all the time.” You could see the production platform in the background with April watching the action, but she was a little out of focus as Grace said, “You wanted a daughter,” and reached over to take Jordan’s hand. Then the camera changed focus and suddenly April was in center frame. You could see the other three people on the board with their backs to us. April said something we couldn’t hear, waved at the camera, and the scene shifted back to me from camera one. It was smooth and seamless. A nice bit of cutting, actually.
“April, what was your intent with this scene?” Hannah asked calmly. She had Joyce replay it.
“We’ve been doing a lot of work that brings the camera into the action,” April replied. “I don’t want to change the feel of Young Cooking, but when we set up the position of Jordan and Grace before we started filming, I knew there would be a chance that the production booth would be in the frame sometimes. I thought it would be better if we made it look deliberate and part of the action instead of a dumb cameraman who couldn’t keep the tech side out of the frame. I told him to go ahead and focus in on me.”
“Run it again, Joyce,” Hannah said. She traced outlines of three or four other people in the distant background, but even knowing who was around, I couldn’t identify anyone. “Jason, why did you focus in on April? She didn’t actually tell you to, did she?”
“Um… I… I just saw her standing there and figured she’d cut away from my camera. And… I like her. She’s a great director. And pretty,” Jason mumbled. Oh my. Someone has a crush.
“Okay,” Hannah said. “Our guests have arrived for Chick Chat. Back to Stall One.” Hannah plopped in her chair at the desk, but left us all standing. I don’t know why I felt so bad. None of this was my fault. I just hoped I could help Hannah control her temper. I really didn’t want to lose anyone. She turned to Maggie. “You did good, Maggie. You spotted something that might have caused a problem. If it had, we have all three cameras running live on different tracks. We could have re-edited. So, be calm. I’m not going to fire anyone. You spotted a problem. Verify it before it gets released. Find out your options. Determine if it’s malicious. You’re turning into a great producer.” She turned to April and to Jason.
“You two should get a room. Or at least go somewhere and talk. April, it was a good call to make it look deliberate. You should thank Jason for making it. People, you’ve got a good thing going. The tapes so far look terrific. You did a good thing by making Grace and Jordan comfortable while they’re still recovering. That was two very happy people on that set. Work together and be creative. Now I have to go do my job with Elaine. And so do you two,” she said pointing at April and Jason. They scrambled out the door. Hannah turned to me. “What are you doing in here?” She shrugged and left.
I just stood there, kind of chuckling. I love that girl! Maggie sighed.
“She’s going to fire me eventually. I know it,” she said. “I’m too big a fuck-up. I’m trying so hard.”
“I heard her tell you, you did a good job,” I said.
“And criticize me. But she does it so well. It was like, ‘Sure. I know that.’ And then she… I couldn’t believe what she said to April and Jason!” At that, we looked at each other and both broke out laughing. “Thank you for helping me be a better producer.”
“I honestly didn’t do anything but stand here. You’re doing a good job, Maggie. Thank you for treating my in-laws so kindly this week. I know that increased your workload and your stress level. From my perspective, you’re turning into a fine producer.”
“I’ll be happy to hear that after you’ve finished with the varsity cheerleading squad on Thursday!” she said. “And you know they are all going to want to have a shower after their workout with Sora and before they come on your show.”
“I can’t believe they’re doing all three shows in a row! I might need a way to reduce my stress Thursday.” I looked at Maggie and her eyes got really round. That’s something to see on an Asian girl. I winked at her and left Stall One to watch Elaine’s interview with the county’s champion quilter. They actually had an entire quilting frame set up while she taught Elaine various stitches! The audience was a local quilting club that called itself ‘The Seamsters Union’.
“I know it’s been a long day, honey, but I need to talk to you. Actually, Heaven and I need to talk to you,” I said as Hannah started throwing her clothes off. Fortunately, Jordan and Grace had gone to Casa del Agua after the taping with the rest of their family. They were leaving in the morning.
“Brian! Really?” she moaned. “What next?”
“I think you’ll like this. We’d like to do a television series that features her.”
“Her? A whole series with Heaven?” Hannah said. “I need brownies. Serve them in her motorhome after dinner.”
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