Hearthstone Entertainment
11 Fairy Tale
ELAINE WAS OFF LIKE A SHOT in the morning and I thought maybe even Hannah was having difficulty keeping the cameras in the right place. The motormouth was running.
ELAINE: I love, love, love love. I just love love. I love being loved. I love being in love. I love making love. Except I wasn’t supposed to tell you I’m not a virgin.
Oh, gasp! Everyone born after 1966 is supposed to still be a virgin! Their parents, who didn’t make it past sixteen with their status intact, have enforced the rule! After all, they found out what free love could do to you. It could make you a mommy! But now, we have the pill. And sponges, and IUDs, and, of course, the good old dependable condom, to which if they’d paid attention in the sixties none of us would be here today.
We’d be wrapped up in latex crying ‘Let me out! Let me out!’
But that’s just about sex—a natural outcome of being in love—and other things. I want to talk about love.
Sure, love turns me on. So does lust. It’s great when they combine with the same guy. But love isn’t about sex, it just includes it. What I love is my guy asking me out and still being so awed by my presence that he stutters.
I love little surprises. I don’t mean huge parties or my name on the scoreboard at a ballgame. I mean washing the dishes after dinner. That would be a surprise! I mean a little chocolate heart on my pillow with a note that says ‘I love you.’ That would be more surprising than a whole box of chocolates and an erection.
Author Eric Segal says, love means never having to say you’re sorry. I’m sorry. That’s not true. I love it when my man recognizes how I’m feeling and expresses his response. If I’m down, hurt, sad, saying ‘I’m sorry’ is a little uplift that says he cares, even if THIS TIME it wasn’t his fault.
I love romance. I love thoughtful gestures and sweet words. I love holding hands in the moonlight. [sings] And making love at midnight.
Oh yeah. Love makes the world go round, is a many splendored thing, is hard to find, is an open door, and is the path to my panties, if you want the honest truth.
Think you love me because you want me? Because I’m pretty? Because I’m nice to you? Because we happen to meet in a dark bar and I spilled my drink on you? [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
That wasn’t an accident, by the way.
I want to always be in love. I want to always feel the tingle running up and down my body when my lover is near. I want to always know that NO MATTER WHAT, HE STILL LOVES ME.
Love? I love love. I go crazy over love. I am a love child. I am a victim of love. Addicted to love. I’m a tower of love. I’m falling in love with love!
The Germans sent us Fahrvergnügen. It’s great. But why didn’t they send us Liebesvergnügen? Not the pleasure of driving, but the pleasure of love.
[sings] Love me tender, love me sweet.
[sighs] I’m so in love with love.
[applause]
ELAINE: We’re happy to have supermodel Heaven back with us again. We have a special group of women in the audience today who are all in love. Aren’t you? That’s why we’ve asked Heaven to come back to Chick Chat and tell us about love. According to Cosmo, Heaven knows eight ways to love your man this summer. Now here she is. Please welcome Heaven.
Jessica entered and for the first time that I’d heard it, Warren’s trio introduced her with music as she came to join Elaine. Usually, Warren did a kind of warm-up set just before Elaine entered and wrapped up the show with a short set. I wasn’t sure they were actually even included in the timing of the show. The first week had all been pre-recorded, but the trio was set up on one of the dance platforms.
HEAVEN: [speaking over the music] Elaine! It’s so wonderful to see you again!
ELAINE: Eight ways to love your man this summer?
HEAVEN: I honestly didn’t know there was more than one. [sings, in synch with the trio] What is this thing called love? This funny thing called love? Just who can solve this mystery? Why should it make a fool of me?
ELAINE: [sings] Saw you there one wonderful day. You took my heart, threw it away. That’s why I ask the Lord in heaven above, What is this thing called love?
They finished the song as a duet and it was incredible. Their voices blended beautifully. I didn’t even know Heaven could sing! It was obvious they’d rehearsed and I couldn’t imagine when they’d found the time. Warren wrapped the number up.
HEAVEN: I don’t know why I let you talk me into that! I’ve never sung in public.
ELAINE: Not that I need the competition, but I don’t think that’s the last time you’ll be asked to sing. And a big thank you to the Warren Devereux Trio, covering up a world of our mistakes!
[applause]
Now about this thing called love. Heaven, are you in love?
HEAVEN: Oh, yes. I can’t think of a time since I was a little girl that I wasn’t in love. You had it right in your monologue. I love being in love.
ELAINE: We know for a fact that the paparazzi would love to catch you with your boyfriend. Our security even turned away a reporter in front of the ranch yesterday. But no one ever has caught a picture of you with your boyfriend. Why?
HEAVEN: Oh. I don’t want to get into my feud with the paparazzi. It’s such a waste of energy. If they didn’t exist, I’d probably be out walking someplace with my boyfriend every day and people would see us all the time. But I don’t get out much now. I just work. And that’s kept us apart.
ELAINE: We’re not going to ask you a bunch of questions about him in particular, but without pointing fingers, describe the perfect man for us.
HEAVEN: Well, he has to be caring. A good lover. A good sense of humor.
ELAINE: Sounds like an ad in the ‘Meet Me’ section of the Indiana Daily Student. Don’t forget ‘must be a good conversationalist and love animals.’
HEAVEN: Wait. Aren’t you the one who told me that your perfect man was big, strong, a great lover, and mute?
ELAINE: Wellll… Enough about me.
HEAVEN: You know what I think the truth is? We’ve been sold a bill of goods. It started with Disney and we were all princesses and one day Prince Charming would come and carry us away. We waste all our lives waiting for Prince Charming. The reality is that Prince Charming has been right beside us all our lives. We grew up with him.
ELAINE: I’ve heard that you once convinced an entire group of fifth grade girls that Prince Charming was going to be coming to school with them in the fall.
HEAVEN: I didn’t exactly say Prince Charming.
ELAINE: Well, what did you say, and why?
HEAVEN: I just told a story about an enchanted prince.
ELAINE: Ladies, do we want to hear the story?
[applause]
Every one of the fabulous five had told me the story at one time or another. Each time it was a little different. Was Jessica really going to tell it on Elaine’s show?
ELAINE: It happens that we have some princesses here who would very much like to hear the story again. We even changed our seating a little. Sit tight, ladies. Some big, strong, handsome, mute men are going to move you a little closer for the story.
The grips had moved the second dance platform for audience seating opposite Warren’s music platform. Now they pushed it forward so they were not quite in the main acting area of the setting, but camera one, which was usually Elaine’s aside camera, pulled back and shot across their heads to the action. I realized, somewhat belatedly, that the five girls on the platform were Brenda, Rhiannon, Liz, Samantha, and Whitney.
Brenda called out, “Tell us the story, Heaven.”
HEAVEN: Once upon a time… Well, actually just this week, there was an enchanted prince. We don’t know how he became enchanted, but rumor has it that a dark sorceress was jealous because he made magical powders that were more powerful than hers. So she cursed him. She made him small and weak. She set him in a world where people were cruel to him. Some even beat him up. And worst of all, she made him completely forget he was a prince.
I happen to know this because I saw her and her evil minions work their magic. And knowing what I knew, I have done my best to protect him so that someday he can justly inherit his kingdom. But I’m not a good fairy. I’m just one girl. And I’m not always there for him. I can’t be. So I set off to find protectors and courtiers for him.
You will be able to identify this enchanted prince when you see him. Without even knowing it, he has attracted two strong and handsome and mute bodyguards. Okay, they aren’t mute. I just made that up for Elaine. They are as big as he is little, and they watch out for him.
I wondered about Carl, Louise, Cathy, Doug, Sandy, and Doreen having been invited to watch this morning’s taping. They were standing on the opposite side of the room from Adam and me. The other seven seats in the audience were occupied by Rose, Jennifer, Courtney, Sarah, Nikki, Cassie, and Mary. Of the women in my casa, only Angela, Sora and Hannah were not in the spotlight. Josh was sitting on the edge of the director’s platform. The story affected them.
HEAVEN: The thing is, he doesn’t look like much right now. It’s not exactly like kissing a frog. Not that much of an enchantment. And he’s nice. He’s going to choose his court. He’ll choose who are princesses and who are princes. Who are Dukes and who are Duchesses. And when it is all done, then everyone will see that he is, indeed, a prince. So the question for you, my dear little princesses, is if you will seek him out while he is still a frog. I mean, enchanted. Will you find him and love him and protect him until one day he comes into his power and becomes your protector, lover, and prince? Or will you decide to wait until he’s already shown who he is and then look like selfish, unkind, and spoiled little girls who only care about him because he is a prince?
The choice is yours, little princesses. [Looks over their heads toward camera one where Adam and I are standing.] Choose more wisely than I did.
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