El Rancho del Corazón
7 No Cure
I SAT AT MY COMPUTER and toyed with my recipe data base, but the quiet of the house distracted me. I couldn’t get that nagging feeling out of my mind. Dad had said I needed to start thinking about alternate housing for the fall. What could we do? I went downstairs planning to start dinner. I knew there would be a houseful again tonight. When I got to the counter, there was a note from Mom.
Brian, Dinner is taken care of tonight. Don’t forget your appointment with Dr. McCall at three.
Crap! I forgot all about meeting with George’s mother. It was already two-thirty. I ran upstairs and changed out of my sweats and into real clothes and headed for my appointment. Meeting with Dr. McCall had really helped me deal with the changing situation since I beat the crap out of Hannah’s former boyfriend in Evansville and brought her back to live with us. This was scheduled to be my last appointment with her before I was too deeply involved in Bloomington to get back on Friday afternoons. I would talk to her about my feelings about moving to Bloomington with nowhere to live.
I was surprised to find Hannah and Sam in her office when I got there.
“Brian, in light of events this week, I thought it would be best to have a sit-down with the three of you. Do you have any objection to using your last session with me to all talk together?” Dr. McCall asked.
“No. Of course not,” I answered. I hugged both girls to me. We all three sat on the couch with Hannah between Sam and me.
“So, things changed this week,” our counselor said by way of introduction. We glanced at each other and giggled a little.
“I told Dr. McCall about making love this weekend and about having an orgasm. Or a few,” Hannah laughed. “I give you both explicit permission to talk about our relationship in any way you need to.”
“Well, that is what this session is all about,” Dr. McCall said. “Let’s start with you, Hannah. How do you feel about the new step in your relationship?”
“Happy. In love. Sexy. I’ve never felt sexy before. Um… healthy,” Hannah answered.
“Those are good descriptive words. How about you, Brian?”
“I feel like Hannah is really back with us,” I said.
“A feeling, Brian.”
“Oh. Happy. Excited. Energized. Just ready to take on the world.”
“Samantha?”
“I feel so loved and in love, my heart is about to burst.”
“No jealousy of either Brian or Hannah?”
“Why would I be jealous?” Sam asked.
“Well, they made love. Without you,” Dr. McCall said.
“Oh, Hannah and I made up for that Tuesday night!” Samantha exclaimed. “And Wednesday.”
“Okay. Let’s go back to what Hannah said she was feeling. I want to focus on one word. Healthy. What does that mean to each of you?”
We had quite a little discussion about that. It finally centered on not being depressed anymore.
“Can I stop taking the drugs now?” Hannah asked.
“Let’s talk about that,” Dr. McCall answered. “I certainly think we can moderate the drugs you are taking. I’m not in favor of depending on manufactured chemicals to balance body chemistry. So I want you to consider this. What is making you feel healthy? Is it just sex with your lovers?”
“Well… that sure doesn’t hurt. I didn’t know it could be like that,” Hannah answered. “But… I think there is more than that. It’s like my life isn’t in the shitter anymore.”
“What happens when things get rough again? Say you have an argument with Brian or with Samantha. Say you have to be apart from the two of them for a while. They’ll both be in school and you won’t. Are you going to get depressed again?” Dr. McCall asked.
“Maybe a little.” Hannah was looking worried.
“I wish we were going to be seeing each other for another few months,” the doctor said. “Unfortunately, I understand you will all be leaving for Bloomington soon.”
“We’re not sure when, now,” I said. “The house burned down Monday night. We don’t have any place to live there now.”
“Oh, dear. Well, that’s depressing.” We all laughed. “If you are still up here, I’d like to keep meeting with you, but you can let me know. Let’s talk about some of the tools you can use with each other to keep depression and anxiety from controlling your lives. First, not to be a downer on you, but your depression isn’t cured, Hannah.” That made us all sit back. “The good news is that you are learning some coping mechanisms. Some of them you have stumbled into, but it’s good to know that you can call on them at any time.”
“Like sex?” Samantha asked. “It always makes me feel good.”
“As it should! But sex is more likely the result of feeling good. As a fix for depression, an orgasm is great for a little while. But you shouldn’t make it a magic pill or it will lose its romance and fun. It is probably not possible to have another orgasm as soon as the effects of the first one start to fade. Feeling sexy was something new for you, Hannah. But more importantly, you felt loved.”
“A little proud, too,” Hannah said. “I actually did it!”
“Pride is a good antidote for depression. Tell me how you feel about producing the television show.”
“Scared out of my wits! That’s part of what I’m proud of, but there’s so much to learn. Challenged, because I feel like I have to really stay on my toes so as not to get behind. Sometimes a little overwhelmed. I guess I’m proud that I’m actually doing it and able to do it and be a contributing member of our family,” Hannah said. I hugged her and Sam pulled into it with us. “I feel so secure with my novia on either side of me,” she sighed.
“Good. So, you’ve identified things that you need to keep in balance. Fear. Challenge. Overwhelmed. Proud. Loved. Secure. You see, guys, part of having your body chemistry out of whack is a tendency to let one of those emotions override all the others. If all you feel is fear, you will become depressed. If all you feel is orgasmic bliss, you will be blind to things that can hurt you. All three of you need to be sure you are talking to the other two and that you are listening to what they have to say. Samantha, don’t you feel some of those same emotions?”
“Yeah. Like right now, I’ve been helping Hannah with the show and I get overwhelmed just taking notes with so much going on. I worry that I won’t be able to help her when she needs it.”
“Brian?”
“I pretty much feel all those things. I feel responsible for everyone in our casa—even our clan—and then I got angry at the insurance adjuster because he was just plain rude. And afraid…” I didn’t intend to go there with Hannah and Sam with me. Doctor McCall nodded and encouraged me to go on.
“Can you express what you are feeling with your lovers in the room, Brian?”
“I don’t know. I’m afraid they’ll think… I’m weak.” My head was crashing in on me. It was different a month ago. A month ago, we didn’t have plans. We didn’t see the future. Now we saw it all snatched away from us. I was desperate to find a solution.
“Brian, you are not only my lover and my novia,” Hannah said, “you are also my hero. I know you are human. But you’ve been faithful to me—I mean faithfully caring and waiting for me—for months. Years. Even when it is hard, I—we—will be faithful to you. We are your partners.”
Doctor McCall smiled. Sam practically crawled over Hannah to hug me. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel how much love she poured into her embrace. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or more anxious.
“I’m proud of what we have together in our casa and how everyone is dedicated to pulling his or her own weight. I’m so happy that Hannah and Samantha and I are in love, and confused that I don’t feel like I love any of our hearthmates, compañera, or cónyuge any less. I guess overwhelmed is a good way to express it.”
“Let’s go back to ‘afraid’. Do you know what you are afraid of?”
“I’m afraid I’ll let them all down. Our whole clan. I’m afraid I won’t be able to find a way to keep us together, or to have a place to live, or a kitchen to cook in. I’m afraid… one morning… I’ll wake up in a dormitory room alone and wonder what happened.”
I pulled Hannah and Samantha to me and wished desperately that Rose, Whitney, Liz, Jennifer, Courtney, and Elaine were with me. My cónyuge.
“Let’s talk about how you keep these things in balance and how you can look out for each other. You might want to share some of this with the rest of your casa.”
Allen had flown back to Seattle on Tuesday while we were madly dashing to Bloomington. Betts, Addison, and little Maddie were heading back on Saturday. I felt bad that I’d been effectively unavailable the entire week they were here. When I got back to the house after our counseling session, I was surprised to find Betts in the kitchen.
“Hey, little sister,” I said. “What are you up to?”
“I’m still older than you, even if you have gotten to be a giant.” Right. I was all of two inches taller than her and she stood up on her tiptoes to look me in the eye and scowl. We both broke out laughing. “I’m showing off my culinary skills and making dinner,” she sniffed. “Didn’t you get the note that dinner was taken care of?”
“I got it. I just didn’t expect this. So, what is the chef du jour cooking up?”
“Linguine with clams,” she answered with a little trill. “And since I’m twenty-one now, I even bought some nice Pinot Grigio to have with it.”
“Wow! I’m impressed. Need any help?”
“Yes. Caesar salad. Everything is in the fridge. Don’t dress it until we’re ready to serve.” I got the romaine and veggies out of the fridge and started washing and breaking apart the leaves.
“You know there will be a crowd,” I said. “It’s Friday night.”
“Mrs. Pr… I mean, Anna told me,” Betts said.
“Around here we call her Anna Mom,” I laughed. I started mincing the garlic and anchovies.
“I know. Just remember, I’m the parent in charge tonight while they are vacationing at your ranch this weekend. Did you really hold a ceremony for them?”
“Yes.”
“I wish I’d been there,” she whispered.
“Rose didn’t give anyone a chance to object during the handfasting,” I chuckled.
“I should have been there to show my parents that I love them,” she whimpered. I put an arm around my sister. “Do you suppose Allen wants another woman besides me? Oh, that’s a silly question. Allen is as loyal and loving as any woman could ever ask. I feel worshipped. But he is a male.”
“You could ask Doreen.”
“You know we talk, Brian. She is not going to leave Doug and Rhiannon for anyone.” I thought carefully about what I was going to say next. I was torn between whether it was Doreen’s place or mine.
“Betts, how would you feel if Doreen’s baby was Maddie’s cousin?”
“I guess that would be better than her half-sibling,” Betts laughed. It took a minute before she looked up from cubing the bread for croutons. “Brian? Are you saying…?”
“A lot of people have to agree before it becomes a reality. But she really wants to be pregnant when you are the next time. There’s going to be a next time, isn’t there?”
“Yes. I’m not ready yet, but Allen and I have talked about the right timing. Brian, do you love her?”
“Yes.”
“But what about…? Oh. It doesn’t make a difference, does it? You love them all. I don’t know how you do it. I guess I’m still a narrow-minded little Indiana girl.”
“Need I remind you that all of them are Indiana girls?”
“Right. Nor do you need to remind me that I’m narrow-minded. Doreen and I used to dream about the day when we’d both have babies and go walking with them in little strollers together,” Betts said. She turned and hugged me. “I wouldn’t object at all if our babies were cousins. Or half-brothers,” she whispered.
This time it took a minute for what she said to get through to me.
“…so, both Addison and Rhiannon are spending the night with us,” Rose said. “Is everyone okay with that?”
“I don’t know,” I said. Addison looked at me a little hurt. “Do you have to have the baby monitor up here?” I asked. The hurt turned to a sputter of laughter.
“You got me. My little baby is going to be in the guest room downstairs with her wet-nurse,” Addison laughed. I think she was almost half-serious.
“Rhiannon and Addison, you are our guests. Do you have any objections to us being naked? We’ll honor your requests.” Both girls looked at me but then immediately shifted their focus to Josh.
“Cassie, do you mind if I ogle your man?” Rhiannon said.
“You can sleep right here beside us, if you want,” Cassie laughed. “The question is how comfortable you are with him caressing every inch of your luscious curves with his eyes.”
“Eyes or fingers or tongue,” Rhiannon sighed. “Yeah.”
“Um… I don’t have to actually do anything with anyone, do I?” Addison asked.
“Addison, you can look at the whole group, or any one of us, and give us whatever permission or restriction you want,” Rose said. “No one will cross that boundary. It would even be hard on me, though, if you said ‘Don’t look.’” We laughed. Addison concentrated for a minute formulating how she wanted to phrase things.
“Hugs are okay, I guess. As long as they aren’t really sexual. Looking is fine. I’d like to do that, too. I like you all, but I’m not really into girls. And I have a boyfriend, Josh, so just caressing with your eyes, okay?” Everyone laughed. “Could I make a request, too?”
“Of course,” Rose answered.
“Brian, may I sleep beside you? Just sleeping? I know that means we’ll be a little more intimate than a simple hug, but I trust you not to be too sexual with me. I just want to feel you next to me, holding me.” I looked around the room and all my girlfriends were grinning. Sora, Sarah, and Elaine weren’t with us. Hannah’s parents moved today and Sora and Sarah were staying through Brighty’s sermon on Sunday. Elaine was in rehearsal for her dinner theater performance coming up at the end of the month.
“Addison, I’d love to hold you while we sleep tonight. I might have some other responsibilities before then, though.”
“Or after,” Whitney laughed.
Even with three sinks and a huge shower, the bathroom was a bit of a bottleneck, but sometime around midnight, Addison slipped into bed beside me and cuddled up. She pulled my hand to her breast and sighed.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
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