Guardian Angel
Part I: Jessica
1 Heaven
Indiana might not be Heaven, but she lived right next door.
“YOU’D BETTER NOT be smoking up there,” Betts warned from the stalls below me.
“Jesus! Isn’t there anyplace I can go and be alone?”
“You swore! You took the name of the Lord in vain. I’m telling Mom and you’ll get sent to your room for the next twenty years.”
“Good! Tell her. Then you won’t be able to bug me anymore.” Betts stormed out of the barn. I’m sure she’d told Mom she was going to go take care of the horses just to spy on me. She never even let them in the barn. If Dad knew how she really treated her precious Arabians, he’d sell them. And I’d get blamed for not cleaning out the stall. Nine years old and I was no more than an f-ing stableboy for my sister. At least I liked the horses.
I saw the light come through the barn door when it opened and just knew it wasn’t over yet.
“All right. I’m coming down. I wish you’d just leave me alone,” I complained.
“You don’t have to come down, Brian. I’ll come up.” That voice was heaven. Jessica Barnes, my next-door neighbor. Everything my sister wasn’t, Jessica was. She was nice and kind. She talked to me and played with me. She never told me what to do. Well, not exactly. Somehow, I always ended up doing whatever she wanted, but I didn’t mind. And it’s not like she was my best friend like Geoff or anything but she’d been a special friend for as long as I could remember. She was two years ahead of me in school and got along with her brother Drew about as well as I got along with Betts. He was less than a year younger than her. Mom called them Irish twins.
“Hi, Jessica. Sorry. Betts was in here making a racket.”
“I heard. She’s such a bitch.” I giggled. I’d never dare call Betts a bitch.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Wish she’d just leave me alone. Did she see you come in here?”
“I waited till I heard the door slam and then ran over. I could hear her yelling at you in the back yard.”
“That’s probably why the horses are back in the woods. They don’t like her either.” We laughed quietly. I could just imagine what would happen if Betts or Drew found Jessica and me in the hayloft. I’d get teased for the rest of my life. I liked when Jessica and I got to spend time together, though, and I didn’t want to send her away. I wished she was my sister and Betts and Drew lived together.
Jessica wore a blue dress. She often wore dresses. Betts and I usually wore jeans or Carhartts working around the barn. Grandpa always told me I was FBI—Farm Boy Indiana. I learned to drive the John Deere sitting on his lap. I still couldn’t reach the pedals if I sat on the seat, but he let me drive it to the field standing up. You didn’t really need the brake pedals. The gas was a lever on the side of the column and if you shut the gas supply down, the tractor came to a stop. You had to use the clutch, though, or it would stall. Grandpa was really old and leased most of his land to Mr. Baron, but I plowed a whole furrow this summer. I couldn’t see over the engine, but all I had to do was watch the front wheel and keep it in the furrow next to me.
Fourth grade, the smallest kid in class, and not likely to grow much, the doctor says. It started back when Dad insulated the house when I was four. I was being really helpful until I couldn’t breathe anymore and they had to take me to the hospital. I guess it was fortunate because they discovered a growth on my pituitary gland. It was treated and shrank but I’m not growing much. Maybe someday I’ll be more than a pudgy little kid.
Anyway, back to Jessica’s dress. She had dresses she wore to school and dresses she wore to play. In the summer, she had shorts and pedal-pushers, but otherwise, she mostly wore dresses. Her school dresses were pretty. Her play dresses had mostly been pretty school dresses the year before. They were always a little tight and short and kind of faded from washing and… well, dirt. Just because she wore a dress didn’t mean that she didn’t get right out and play in the dirt with the rest of us. This dress had been a school dress last year, but Jessica had grown and it only came about halfway to her knees.
“How come you always wear dresses?” I asked. I realized I’d been staring at her legs and it kind of made me shiver.
“Where’d you get that shirt?” she asked in return. That was a sore spot.
“It’s one your brother wore a couple years ago,” I growled.
“Right. A hand-me-down. Don’t get mad, Brian. Nobody’s got money to go out and buy a lot of new clothes every time one of us grows. You wear hand-me-downs from Drew. I wear hand-me-downs from my cousin. I get a couple new dresses in the fall for school, but mostly I wear her old dresses. Betts hands her clothes over to your cousins. It just happens we don’t have any other boys in our family, so you get Drew’s. My cousin lives in town and she wears dresses. Therefore, I wear dresses. I don’t care. I guess now that I’ve worn them for so long, I’d probably choose one unless it was summer. Even then it’s sometimes cooler to wear a dress.”
“Wow. I never thought about that.”
“How’s school?”
“Boring. I got a book about chemistry from the library, though, and that’s pretty cool. I’m getting a chemistry set for my birthday.”
“You sound awfully sure of that.”
“Well, Mom always asks me what I want and that’s usually what I get. I circled it in the catalog and showed her. I know there’s a Sears package that came a couple days ago.”
“Cool. How are kids treating you?”
“You know,” I said. “I just try not to get anybody mad at me.”
“Has Drew tried anything?”
“Um…”
“He did, didn’t he, that rat bastard.”
“It was just kind of teasing.”
“Try to stay away from him. He’s really going with the wrong crowd. Those Kowalski brothers are no good.”
“I try.”
“I gotta go. I’ll watch for you when you come here. Maybe we’ll talk again soon.”
“Sure.”
School was worse than what I let on. The Kowalski brothers were in Drew’s fifth grade class a year ahead of me but we all knew it was because they flunked a year and got held back. Maybe two. I’d heard Mr. Boyd complaining about them to Mrs. Fites. Mr. Boyd came into our class to teach math for an hour in the afternoons while Mrs. Fites taught English in his classroom. I liked Mr. Boyd. He didn’t mind me standing near him during recess. Not like I was right next to him. I was just, like always in his line of sight when we were out after lunch. I still got knocked down a lot. It was always something like a long football pass that I was in the way of.
I saw one coming on Thursday. There was no way I could get out of the way. Andy Kaminski was headed my way and one of the Kowalskis—I could never tell them apart—had the ball and kept waving him toward me. I turned to run, but there were some third graders shooting marbles like right beside me and if I took off, Andy would run right over them. It was bad enough that he was going to cream me. Those kids didn’t need to be in the way. I just closed my eyes and tightened up, waiting for the inevitable.
I heard the hit. I didn’t feel it. I heard the ‘oompf’ and a body hit the ground. I opened my eyes. Andy was lying on the ground crying. Bill Fisher had the ball and was running toward the Kowalskis. Both of them. He plowed through them, knocking them both on their asses. Drew was the only other one between Bill and the line on the ground that marked the end zone. He got out of the way.
“You guys should watch where you’re throwing the ball,” Bill laughed. “You threw an interception. And you could have hurt some little kids who weren’t even on the field.” His voice got a lot lower. “Don’t ever do that again.”
He flipped the ball behind his back toward the Kowalskis. I looked up and Mr. Boyd had his back turned and was talking to Jessica and a bunch of the sixth grade girls who had been in his class last year. The bell rang and everyone filed inside. You didn’t usually see sixth graders on this side of the playground. Andy was still crying, but no one paid any attention to him.
I got my chemistry set. I opened my new Trapper Keeper with the vinyl cover and Velcro closing with the neat clean white paper where I’d keep track of all my experiments. That was another birthday present. So was the underwear.
I read the directions in the chemistry set and did my first experiment on the kitchen table. “Scientific experiment number one, October 5, 1981” I wrote in the binder. I spilled some ferrous oxide. I tried to wipe it up with a wet cloth and it stained the Formica tabletop. It looked like the end of my science career. Dad looked at the mess and suggested that I should move my laboratory to the attic with my train set. He was funny. He emphasized the second syllable of laBORatory. But he got me a card table and we moved the chemistry set to the attic.
After my run-in with the insulation, Dad sheet-rocked the attic to seal it in. As a result, I had a great play space up there where I had all the pieces of my HO train laid out and was making a real mountain range out of papier-mâché. Sometimes Geoff and John Hopkins came over and we played with the train together. The only problem was that the attic wasn’t actually heated. It was cold up there in the winter. Early October wasn’t so bad, but I knew I wouldn’t be doing many scientific experiments come December. Betts complained that I had a whole playroom to myself and she just got her bedroom. Mom pointed out that I was only using half the attic and she could have the other half. She came up with a bunch of Barbie dolls once while I was up there, but when she realized she had to stay on her side of the attic and I wasn’t going to talk to her, she stomped down stairs. Of course, she also closed the stairway. It was one of those pull-down things. Eventually, I got pretty good at pushing it down and unfolding the stairs without killing myself.
Unfortunately, she also discovered that I’d burned a spot in the floorboards. That led to the fact that I was lighting matches in the attic to heat my chemicals. She could have told on me and I’d probably have been banned from using my chemistry set anymore. But instead she blackmailed me.
“You get to clean out the stalls for the rest of October.”
“Like hell.”
“Don’t swear. If you don’t clean out the stalls every day, I’ll tell Mom you almost burned the house down playing with matches in the attic. And don’t you dare smoke in the barn.”
“I don’t smoke.”
“Who do you think Mom will believe, runt.”
Shit! Specifically, horse-shit. I mucked out the stalls every night in October. It was getting cold out, too, and the horses were usually standing at the door to get into their stalls while I was trying to haul out their shit. I kinda liked the horses—well, at least Silk. Rika could be a bitch like my sister. Of course, she was the one Betts showed. Silk was just company in the stable and if I didn’t brush her, I don’t think anyone would. I swear; Rika shoved me aside just like my sister would when she came into the barn. I went to the loft and just threw hay down at her. Stupid horse. I guess it wasn’t her fault. I plopped down in the loft and folded my arms. It was a cinch Betts wouldn’t come to the barn since she had a slave mucking the stalls for her. If she could find a way to make me do morning chores, too, she would.
“Brian?” Heaven was calling.
“Up here,” I answered.
Jessica climbed up the ladder and plopped down on a bale next to me. She was wearing that same blue dress she had on the last time we were up here. Maybe it was shorter.
“I just had to get out of the house!” she said. “Drew is going on and on about some plot to destroy him and his friends and thinks I’m responsible. Can you believe it? Besides, Mom has decided it’s too cold in the house and has turned the furnace up to about ninety. It might be a little cold out here, but it’s such a relief from in there.”
“Wow! I thought I had it bad,” I laughed. “I just have a…” I looked over the side of the loft to make sure we were alone. “…bitch of a sister to deal with.” I giggled at using the word. I’d always wanted to say that.
“How’d she get you to do all the stable work at night?”
I explained about the burn in the floor of the attic.
“You do have to be careful with that stuff, you know,” Jessica laughed. “Promise you won’t burn anything else, okay?”
“Yeah. I promise.”
“Um… Brian?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever played doctor?”
“No. How do you play?”
“Well, like say I was sick and you had to take care of me. What would you do?”
“Oh. I guess I’d have you stick out your tongue and say ahh.” She did. I laughed and looked in her mouth.
“Have you been smoking?” I asked. “I smell Sen Sens.”
“Don’t tell. Okay?”
“Of course not. Did you really?”
“Sometimes. Mostly, I just like Sen Sens. But that shows you are a good doctor. You investigated and discovered what was wrong. Now what else should I do, doctor?”
What else do doctors do? Oh yeah. Listen to a heartbeat.
“I guess I should listen to your heart. I need one of those… what do they call them?”
“A stethoscope?”
“Yeah. I need a stethoscope.”
“We don’t have one. You’ll just have to pretend. Put one hand on my heart and the other to your ear. That will be your stethoscope.”
I started to put my left hand on her chest, but it was at the wrong angle, so I put that hand on my ear and the other on her chest. It was kind of cool, just pretending.
“Your heart sounds, good,” I said officially.
“Really? How could you tell? My… um… other doctor always makes me unbutton my dress so he can put his stethoscope on my bare skin. It’s always cold, too.”
“Um… should I do that? I mean, put my… uh…”
“You should be official and tell me to unbutton my dress so you can examine me.”
Wow. Just wow. I never even thought about this before. But if we were going to play this game, I guess I should do it right.
“Young lady, you will need to unbutton your dress so I can listen to your heart. Now just lie down right here.”
I was surprised that she did what I said and didn’t just pretend. Not only that, but that blue dress buttoned all the way down the front and she didn’t just unbutton the top, she unbuttoned the whole thing. And opened it up. And all she had under it was panties.
“You can examine me now, doctor,” she said. I took a deep breath and looked at my hand. She nodded at me. I touched her. I really tried to focus on where her heart was. I could actually feel it thudding in her chest.
Jessica’s chest was pretty much like mine, but it was a little softer around her nipples. I kind of lightly pressed against her, feeling the differences in where it was soft and just boney like mine. I finally touched the colored part of her chest with the little bump in the middle. She shifted a little.
“They’ve been a little sore and tender lately, doctor. I think they are swelling. Will I be okay?”
“Oh. Uh… Sure. We could treat them with radiation to keep the swelling down, but I think it’s just a little infection and a drug should do the trick.”
“Oh. You don’t think they’ll get too swollen?”
“No, I’m sure not. I’d suggest you just ice them to keep the swelling down.”
“You guys are in so much trouble,” Drew laughed from the ladder. “Just wait till I tell. Jessica and Brian in the hayloft.” With that he was gone.
“You little shit!” Jessica yelled after him. “He does not have the same parents I do. He is not my brother. He can’t be. Sorry, Brian. I’ll talk to you later.” She buttoned her dress and stopped just before her head disappeared below the loft floor. “Brian, you won’t tell, will you?” Tell someone? You’ve got to be kidding! I shook my head ‘no’ and she was gone.
I got up and headed for the ladder, too. The whole experience left me a little uncomfortable. I had tingling feelings all over my body and I didn’t know what they meant. I guess that’s just what happens when you get caught doing something you shouldn’t. I wish there was someone I could ask about girls. Doug, in my class, told a bunch of guys that his sister told him whenever he was ready to learn about girls she’d show him. My sister would call the cops if I asked her a question. Well, crap!
We got an early cold snap and by the end of October, there was snow on the ground. At least my indentured servitude came to an end. But now it was too cold to go to the barn and too cold to go to the attic. There was really no place I could escape to.
On the school bus, Drew shoved me into a seat and snarled at me.
“Brian and Jessica, sitting in a barn.”
I had no idea what he thought he’d rhyme with that, but I was mad enough to go after him. Just as I was standing up, Jimmy Sutton spoke up.
“Hey Drew. What flavor soap does your mom use when you spread nasty rumors about your sister?”
Drew farted. I think it was only a fart, but he sure looked uncomfortable when he went to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I had a new seatmate. Jimmy was one of the tough sixth graders that us little kids were kinda scared of. He was from Kentucky.
“So, Brain, do you really do chemistry experiments in your attic?” he asked me. There were two new things here. First, when did Jimmy Sutton learn about my chemistry experiments or become interested in them or in me? Second, when did people start calling me ‘Brain?’
“Um… yeah. I got a cool chemistry set for my birthday.”
“So can you make nitroglycerin?”
“I don’t know. I’d have to look it up and see if I’ve got the right chemicals for the formula. What is it?”
“It makes stuff explode. I just thought maybe you could make some fireworks for us.”
“Hmm. I’ll look up the formula and see if I can make fireworks. That would be pretty cool.”
“Yeah. Well, look. You see Bill Fisher or me or Sammy D around, don’t sweat it. We got your back. Jessica says. But if you could make some stuff blow up, it would be cool.”
Comments
Please feel free to send comments to the author at devon@devonlayne.com.
