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Drawing on the Dark Side of the Brain

4
What the Fuck?

TAKING A SHOWER before dinner almost caused us to miss the meal. We’d studied hard and then all of a sudden it was just Jas and me and we were naked. We stepped into the shower together and started washing each other like we had Sunday morning. I was still pretty much in awe that she would allow me to touch her… encourage me to touch her in ways I’d seen her pleasure herself on vid. And she wanted me… wanted to touch me.

If Dad hadn’t pounded on the bathroom door and yelled, “Five minutes until dinner,” we’d probably still be in the shower.

Well, that made dinner a little awkward since we were both kind of on edge. Mom and Dad were suddenly like foreigners I’d never met before. They just chatted away as if it was completely normal for Jas and me to be sitting at the dinner table with wet hair from our shared shower, hardly able to be polite because we wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be in Jas.

“When will you present your portfolio at the University, dear?” Mom asked.

“Oh. I sent the electronic files by email this morning. I don’t know if they’ll call me in for a live interview or just a video chat. If they like the pictures, that is. I got an email receipt thanking me for sending them over,” I said.

“What are your plans for school, Jasmine?” Dad asked.

“I’ve been accepted in the School of Business,” she sighed. “Not as exciting as Jett’s art. But I think I’d be good at marketing and advertising. I guess we’ll see.”

“So, staying local. We can discuss remodeling your room if you want, Jett. I don’t think the rent would go up.”

“I… What?”

“It would still be cheaper than renting an apartment together. I know Sondra’s apartment wouldn’t have room for both of you. We can have the work done this summer so it won’t interrupt your school plans.”

Oh. My. God. My parents had already jumped to the conclusion that Jasmine and I planned to move in together. Live together. Did they think we were going to get married?

Way to kill the buzz, parents.

Jasmine gripped my leg so tightly, I could feel the moisture being sucked out of the atmosphere. Especially any that had been gathering between her legs.

As soon as dinner was over and we cleared the table, Jas grabbed her books and I took her home.

“I’M SORRY,” I said when we got to her house. “My Mom… I can’t believe Dad…”

“I know. Come in with me. Maybe we can at least make out a little, okay?”

“You know I’d love that.”

We walked up to Jasmine’s apartment and she unlocked the door, just walking in like usual, except I was right behind her. The place was kind of dark and she flipped the light switch on.

“Mom! I’m home. Jett’s with me and we’re going to go study. In my room.”

There was a clatter in front of us and somebody rolled off the couch into the coffee table, knocking drinks all over. Jasmine’s Mom jumped up and started tucking her shirt into her pants.

“Jasmine! I… uh… didn’t expect you home… so soon. I was just having a drink with Ray. Um… my friend. Ray.” A big dude stood up from the floor behind Mrs. Davis and he was fastening up his clothes, too.

“Oh. My. God,” Jas whispered. “You… When did you… In the living room?”

“Well, you have a boyfriend now. I thought you were staying at his house tonight. I didn’t see any reason…” Jasmine’s mother stopped and looked at the two of us just staring. “Are you all right? Did you have a fight? Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“Forget it, Mother! I… have a headache. I’m going to my room.” She turned to look at me with a look of total confusion on her face. “I’m sorry, Jett.” She slammed her lips against mine and then shoved me back out the door. “We’ll talk. Later.”

HALF AN HOUR LATER, I was in my room on Skype with Jas. She was as frustrated as I was and couldn’t sit still. She was pacing around her room, shedding clothes and then putting them back on. She’d take off her T-shirt and then turn around and put on a silk blouse. Then she took that off and grabbed a sweatshirt. The whole time she paced around, talking non-stop.

“I can’t believe we walked in on my mother giving a guy a blowjob! What the hell did she think she was doing? She’s my mother, for God’s sake. She’s never had a man in the house before. I’m telling you, I honestly thought she was a lesbian. I mean, I know my dad died in Afghanistan, but I thought she just didn’t like guys. I’ve never even heard her speak to a man before. And I don’t think he’s leaving. I heard her bedroom door close. Not the apartment door. Just her bedroom door. My mother! Is having sex! With a man! In the next room! What am I going to do, Jett? I don’t understand anything.”

“Jas, honey, I don’t know. My parents were acting all weird, too. How are we supposed to figure them out? I’m just… I’m here for you, Jas.”

“I know, Jett. I was so turned on when we were in the shower and then they started talking about us living together and remodeling your room. I just freaked out. But then… Finding my mother with a man…”

“It’s too weird,” I agreed.

“I want your penie in my snootch,” Jas cried. She finally stopped putting clothes back on and just stripped off everything she was wearing. “Show me, Jett. Please?” Well, that was almost getting back to normal. I wanted to be in her snootch as well but stripping off and masturbating together was familiar territory and it didn’t take long for me to get naked.

JAS AVOIDED ME at school. I saw her once at her locker, but by the time I got there she’d disappeared. I got a garbled text message that I interpreted to say ‘Talk after school.’ I was really worried that I’d lost my best friend, so I hardly noticed when Kelly bounced up next to me.

“Come on. Let’s have lunch,” she said, grabbing my arm. She started dragging me toward the front of the school.

“Kelly, the cafeteria is that way,” I said, pointing behind us.

“Yeah, but since you broke up with Jas, I thought you could take me down to The Grind for lunch. Then we could go to my place and get it on.”

“What? Wait!” I pulled up short and looked at Kelly. Kelly is one of my best friends—part of the inner circle. She’s been right up there in my fantasy material for a long time. She’s sent me such close-up photos of her tits that I could count the freckles and memorize their locations. But nothing was adding up—especially with the morning photo I’d received from her.

“What about you and Derek? The picture you sent me showed come dripping out of your twat.”

“Yeah. Icky stuff. Dries like cement. Took me forever to scrub it off this morning. I should never have let it dry overnight, but I thought it would be sexy. Wrong!”

“Derek?” I repeated.

“One and done,” she sighed. “He barely got it into me before he came. Then he was all in a panic that my mother would discover us. He jerked up his pants and ran. He chatted from Dee’s house last night. You know how they do. They had all the blankets in the house stretched across chairs in the family room to make a tent and planned to spend the night there. They really don’t want to grow up.”

“Um… I don’t know what to say. But…” I started thinking about what Kelly had started with. “What do you mean I broke up with Jas? I didn’t break up!”

“Well, it’s obvious you aren’t with her, isn’t it? Have you even talked to her today?” Kelly demanded.

“She sent me a message to meet after school.”

“Come on, Jett. You’ve been blown off. Let’s go to lunch.”

“Maybe later, Kelly,” I said. I turned away from her and headed toward the art room.

IT SEEMED LIKE my whole world had been turned on its head in the past four days. Twice. Friday night, I watched Jas masturbate on camera for me. And a few others in the group. Saturday, we had sex for real and discovered how much better that was. Sunday, my parents and grandparents looked at my paintings and promised me thirty thousand dollars for college after my mother finally settled down about my sordid affair. Monday morning, I found two sets of towels in my bathroom—a tacit invitation to bring Jas home with me.

Then all hell broke loose. All of a sudden, my parents were talking about remodeling my room so Jas and I could live together while we went to college. Fuck! We’d spent one night together and, as usual, my parents had our lives planned out for the next twenty years. To complicate matters, when we got to Jasmine’s apartment, we found her mother wrapped up in the arms and other body parts of some guy Jas had never met.

Monday night, I watched Jas masturbate online. Just for me. And I came for her.

And Tuesday… What the fuck was happening today? Jas refused to meet me until after school. Kelly had sex with Derek who then went to spend the night with Dee. Kelly told me I’d broken up with Jas and asked me to have sex with her. And I was fucking confused!

I admit that I started by pretty much just throwing paint at the canvas. My friends and I all promoted the idea that we were independent thinkers, not subject to emo like the millennials were. We recognized that the world was fucked up and there was nothing we could do about it. Nihilists. But all at once I was caught in a torrent of emotions that I’d never had to deal with and didn’t even have a vocabulary for. ‘Use your words, Jett,’ every adult in my life had said. I wasn’t supposed to act out, I was supposed to use my words to describe what was bothering me. Well, why the fuck hadn’t they taught me words to describe how I’d feel when the girl I’d just discovered sex with dumped me? What were the words that described how I felt about my parents interfering and manipulating my life? What were the words that were supposed to help me deal with my friends turning into real live sex fiends?

I built broad, angry, hateful, happy, loving, sorrowful, panicked, brutal, tense, beautiful shapes on the canvas. I scraped the tissue of my heart and spattered it on the painting. I poured out my frustration.

“That’s it! Give ’em hell, Jett. Stick it to the man!” Rick yelled when he walked into the art room for final period. I’d spent the entire afternoon here. At least I didn’t have any exams this afternoon, so my absence from class wouldn’t really be noticed.

“That’s so sad,” Ariel said as she slipped past to her seat. Tears were streaming down her face. My generation’s embodiment of emo.

“I’m just gonna kill myself,” Lonnie said. “Everybody is against us. It’s time to stop participating. Let them end the world without me.”

Somehow, everyone was seeing something different in the abstract painting I’d managed to slop together in the past three hours. I covered it up so no one else could see it. I just sat there through the last period, staring at the cover I’d used as if I could see through it to the painting beneath.

“JETT? I WAS WAITING outside. I thought you’d really… that you hated me… and I thought you abandoned me… and that we weren’t…” Didn’t seem like Jas could finish a sentence. I turned toward her from where I was still staring at the cover over my painting. “Then Rick said you were in here and were probably getting ready to burn the building down, but Ariel said you were really depressed, and Lonnie said you were probably going to kill yourself, and I came running in here. Please don’t hurt anyone, Jett.”

“I won’t. I was just confused. I guess I still am. Why did you avoid me all day?”

“Because I didn’t want to have these moments with you in public. And it was only the morning and then you disappeared. And Kelly didn’t come to lunch and I thought you’d gone off with her.”

“I had to paint. I was… I guess…”

“Yeah. Confused. What did you paint?”

“I’m a little afraid to show it to anyone after the comments I heard in class,” I said. Jasmine pled with her eyes and I pulled the cover off. She spent a long time just staring at the painting. It no longer seemed like anything special to me. Just a bunch of paint splatters on an expensive piece of canvas.

“I see what everyone else was seeing. Rick’s been mad at the world since he didn’t get a baseball scholarship. Ariel is like the original bleeding heart, and Lonnie’s had suicidal tendencies for years. But it’s not about any of those, is it, Jett? It’s about confusion and heartache and growing and loving. It’s about us.”

“I guess you know me better than anyone,” I sighed.

“I don’t want to break up. Were we even going together? I… I just want to be us and not have everyone else making life-changing decisions for themselves or for us. Can we do that, Jett? Can we just ignore what our parents and our friends are doing and have fun together? Like sex? Like, maybe, right now?”

“You want to have sex here in the classroom?”

“I would if you wanted, but I was thinking that if we’re just ignoring everything and everyone, we could do it in my bedroom or yours or go back to the motel.”

“Jas, I’d love to make love with you again. Right now. And I don’t mind making it obvious that we’re ignoring everyone else.” I stood up and wrapped her in my arms so we could kiss. “You know what? Why don’t we go to my house and make love? Then we’ll take a shower and only use one towel. And when Mom calls us to dinner, we’ll go to McDonald’s.” I kissed her again and she giggled.

“That’s so devious. I love it.”

“Oh, look. They’re back together. Now maybe we can all play,” Kelly said from the doorway. Half a dozen of our friends were standing in the hall with her. I looked at Jas and winked. She nodded slightly and kissed me again. I covered the painting and we walked out of the classroom, ignoring our friends. They all started talking, but I had a feeling no one paid attention to what anyone else was saying. Jas and I didn’t. We just walked away without having acknowledged their presence and got into the Mini.

MAKING LOVE WITH JASMINE was like a hundred times better than it had been our first time and our sessions of watching each other masturbate didn’t even register by comparison. We silenced our phones and didn’t even hear Mom when she called us to dinner.

“Jett, I… Oh, God. Yes! Right there. I really… again! Really like making love with you. Oh, yes!” I knew Jas was trying to say something significant, but I was so taken over by the feeling of my cock sliding in and out of her that I couldn’t even begin to make sense of it. Everything! Everything about moving in her, touching her, kissing her, just revved my engines. I knew I was close again. I didn’t even remember how many times either of us had peaked.

“Jas…”

“How can you keep going, Jett? My God! I’m going to. Suck… suck my nipple some more. No! The other one. That one’s too sensi… yes! Do it, Jett. I want to feel you do it again. While I’m coming. Can you…? Yes!” Jas screamed as I started pumping inside her again. I felt like I was emptying my whole life into her and she’d carry me around inside her forever.

Forever. That was a hell of a concept. What did I know about forever? All I really knew was right now and right now, Jasmine’s pussy was clasping my cock and draining me of the essence of my being.

“I TRIED TO SAY something, but my mind turned to mush,” she sighed as we cuddled together. “Do we have to get up?”

“Not unless you are hungry,” I said. “I’m not sure I can move yet.”

“Maybe we should just sleep for a while and then decide. You know?”

“That’s good with me. You make me feel so alive and then you exhaust me so much.”

“What I was trying to say… you know, just before that last orgasm. Oh, God, Jett. I think I love you.” My breath caught in my throat. Did I love Jas? Well… “Scratch that. I mean, I know I love you. I just think that I always have. You know? Since the day we met at playgroup and your Mom wiped my hands with a disinfectant wipe before she’d let me play with you. Do you suppose it was really a love potion? Wipe her hands with the dew of this flower and the next one she touches will be her heart’s desire for the rest of her life.” Jas was trying to be theatrical with her voice, but she was so sleepy that she could hardly get the words out and my befuddled head was showing me some woodland fairy scene with magic sprites squeezing some kind of… Mmm. That was my hand, but the magic dew was oozing out of Jasmine as she kept my hand pressed against her pussy.

“I know I love you, too, Jas. But I don’t know what it means.”

“Yeah. Isn’t that the dumbest thing ever? That’s what was on your canvas today. It was like it said, ‘Here it is. What are you going to do with it?’ And everybody saw it and it was different for them. Here’s what you’ve held in your heart since you were a preschooler. What are you going to do with it?”

“What are we going to do with it, Jas?”

“I’m going to let it wash over me, overwhelm me, consume me, and see what’s left when it sets me free.”

“Do you really think I’ll ever be able to set you free?” I asked. I was surprised when Jas started crying.

“Don’t talk about forever,” she sniffled. “We’re eighteen. We’re about to go to college. We don’t know anything about the world. I think you will be a very popular lover. Even with Kelly. I know she acts like a slut and like she doesn’t care about anything but getting laid, but I also know she’s wanted you for a long time. If there is one, there are others. Just love me now and let’s let the future fend for itself.”

Jasmine cuddled in my arms and was soon asleep. Even as tired as I was, she gave me a lot to think about before I went to sleep. I’d never really thought about the future before—not more than sending college applications off.

Eventually, I went to sleep, too.

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