Bedtime Stories for Grownups

Trying to Get It Right

I WOKE WITH A START when the garbage truck dropped the dumpster behind my townhouse. Oh, my head. I snuggled up against Jane and cupped her breast in my hand as we spooned together in bed, my hard cock wedged comfortably between her ass cheeks. She moaned a little and turned to kiss me good morning.

Fucking hell! This wasn’t Jane.

And the worst day of my life began.

Again.

I can’t even die.

I killed myself seven times this week, each time saying that at least I saved the kid. But nothing else changed. I woke up the next morning to an ever more-welcome Suze cuddled against me. I’d have just stayed there, but when I tried, the guilt over letting that little boy and his mother die was so overwhelming that I threw up over and over. If I got out of bed with intent, it seemed my hangover wasn’t quite as bad. I still threw up, but I didn’t burst all the blood vessels under my eyes when I did it.

Hmm. Seven times this week. My mother used to have a phrase. I’d ask for something like a new bicycle or train set and she’d say, “Not in a month of Sundays.” So far, I’d had three weeks of Thursdays. It was getting old. Did I want to spend eternity getting up, throwing up, and getting run over by a bus?

There’s something about being in sales. You don’t make it if you don’t keep knocking on the door. If they say ‘no,’ then you have to change the question. You just have to get the right question and they’ll say ‘yes.’ I had to get past killing myself to save the kid. Then maybe I could get to step two. Whatever that was.

I took my anti-hangover drink from Suze and guzzled it while I put on my topcoat. Yes, I had a big, heavy, full-length cashmere coat. But top young salesmen never wear a coat like that. It makes you look weak. Today, I didn’t care how I looked. I opened the front door just as Jane was getting her key out. I kissed her on the cheek, much to her surprise.

“No matter what you think, hear, or see, I love you,” I said. Then I ran for the bus stop.

I’d replayed this scene so many times, I knew exactly where each person was standing and how many steps it took to get to the kid. This time, though, I just stepped in front of him. I felt him bump into the back of my coat as I took a place in front of everyone else at the stop.

“You rude bastard,” someone yelled as the bus squealed to a stop.

“Bruce!” the mother yelled. I felt her push against me and turned to see her step in front of the bus and grab her child. He was a determined little cuss, but having to go around me put him six inches in front of where the bus stopped. I got on the bus, flashed my pass and went straight to the back door and got off. The kid was safe. I didn’t need to get beaten to a pulp by irate passengers I’d lunged in front of.

Now what?

It was the first time I felt good about myself since this started. I just needed to wait out the day and tomorrow I could focus on putting my life together. I headed for a little café not far away.

As soon as I walked in, I realized where I was. The last time I was here I stiffed the waitress.

The last time. It was today, only it was three weeks ago. My stomach wasn’t so riled up this time. There was no blood on my face and clothes. I hadn’t just thrown up again. I ordered Joe’s Eggs and black coffee. The waitress was pleasant enough but her face looked stressed and her eyes red and puffy. I finished my meal and she brought the check. She stood there waiting. I fished thirty dollars out of my wallet.

“I think last time I was in I might have shorted you,” I said. “I hope this will make up for it.” She looked at the bills and snarled at me.

“Thanks. Now all I have to do is explain to my five-year-old daughter why her birthday present is three weeks late.” She turned on her heel and left me. I swallowed the last of my coffee. That went well.

I went to the park to contemplate my sins. Hell! It wasn’t even me who stiffed her in her world. Still, I tried to make up for it and she treats me like shit. Nobody gives a rip about what anyone else thinks or feels. Why should I even care?

Take my clients, for example. Mike will just turn my client load over to some snot-nosed kid—probably Dan—and he’ll take the contracts that I had drafted, deliver them to be signed, and collect my three percent of close to five million dollars. He’s probably never had a $150 grand in his life and didn’t even need to work for it.

Oh. Sorry, kid. You only get a hundred k for it. They cut your commission. Didn’t mean much when it was a third of sixty grand and you’d get that regardless. Now you’re losing more than you used to earn in a year. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

I heard a lady squeal and looked up to see two punks running away with her shopping bags. She sank down against the trashcan and started to sob. Oh hell. Another good deed for me to do. I stood and walked over to her.

“Hello, Mildred,” I said. “Let’s get you someplace warm and a good meal. I offered her my hand.

“It was everything I had,” she wept. “It wasn’t much, but it was everything.”

“Let’s get you over to the mission where you’ll be safe and warm tonight.”

She gripped my arm like I was one of those airplane seats that turn into a handy flotation device in the unlikely case of a water landing. I walked with her to the mission. I knew how the place worked this time. I would hand her off to Alice and escape.

“Mildred! What happened to you?”

“They took my bags. They took everything,” she wailed.

“Come in here, honey,” Alice said, reaching for her. Mildred went with her, but she didn’t let go of my arm. “Who are you?” the matron asked.

“Uh… Dallas. I just saw her get mugged. I’ll be going now.” I tried to pry Mildred’s fingers off my arm to no avail.

“Nonsense,” the matron said. “Please dine with us, Mr. Dallas. I’m Alice. Would you care to freshen up before dinner? Now, Mildred, let your young hero go so he can get cleaned up for dinner.” Mildred reluctantly let go of my arm. I walked into the bathroom.

I’d avoided looking in a mirror the last few mornings. It had been too disheartening to see what I looked like hung over. I looked up as I washed my hands. My face needed to be shaved, but with less throwing up I looked less bruised. The overcoat, on the other hand, made me look like a flasher. I opened it to make sure I had clothes on then went out to the dining room.

I was directed to a seat beside Mildred and she immediately hugged my arm again. She smelled. I hadn’t seen showers in the bathroom. Apparently, that was beyond the realm of their capability at the mission. There was a long prayer and some kind of casserole was passed around. I didn’t know what it was and didn’t take much. As I reached for my plastic fork, I saw that it was resting on a little heart cut out of construction paper. Written on the heart were the words ‘Jesus loves you.’ After my elegant Valentine’s Day dinner of unidentifiable slop and carrot sticks, we had to sit there and listen to Alice preach for a while. I knew she was going to preach. She started just talking about how everyone’s day had been and then she pointed me out and started talking about the story of the Good Samaritan and that no matter what our circumstances, we could still help others.

I thought about my lost job, my lost loves, my lost self-respect. And then I thought about the Valentine dinner I’d planned for Jane at Daniel’s, our favorite restaurant. I needed to get out of here and try to salvage my relationship. Relationships. The truth was, I couldn’t imagine life without either one of them.

I excused myself and pushed a twenty-dollar bill into Alice’s hand as I ran out the door and hailed a taxi. He looked at me strangely when I gave him the address, but I pulled out a hundred dollar bill and waved it at him. He took off like a bat out of hell.

I rushed up to the hostess desk at Daniel’s as I pulled off my coat.

“Reservation for Dallas,” I panted. “My guests might be here already.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Dallas, but you can’t come in dressed like that.” Shit. Under my top coat I was still wearing my jeans and AC/DC T-shirt.

“Okay. I understand,” I said, trying not to tip over the edge. Couldn’t they see I was a desperate man? “Are my guests here? Jane and Suze. It’s very important that I see them.”

“I’m sorry. No one has checked in under your reservation or under either of their names.”

“Great. Right. I just need to hang around and wait for them, then,” I said.

“Really, sir. We’d be happy to serve you when you are properly attired, but you can’t just hang around our podium dressed like that,” the little tart said smugly.

“Look, I don’t care about your dress code right now. I need to see my ladies. This has not been a good day,” I said.

“That may be, but you really shouldn’t have started drinking so early. I’m sorry, Mr. Dallas. You’ll have to leave now.” I was going to rip her a new one when a big dude in a suit that was too small for him put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me toward the elevator.

“Let me call the elevator for you,” he growled. I turned and swung at him. He swung back.

I didn’t bother with a cab. I walked to the bus stop nursing my jaw. I was on the same route that would take me home. There was a convenience store there and they were just posting the PowerBall numbers from tonight’s drawing. Hmm. That was interesting. 2, 9, 19, 28, 29, red 19. $176 million. I wouldn’t have to go back to work at all if I won that.

I woke with a start when the garbage truck dropped the dumpster behind my townhouse. Oh, my head. I snuggled up against Jane and cupped her breast in my hand as we spooned together in bed, my hard cock wedged comfortably between her ass cheeks. She moaned a little and turned to kiss me good morning.

Fucking hell! This wasn’t Jane.

And the worst day of my life began.

Again.

I was becoming more efficient with my morning routine. Get up, throw up, shower. Today I added shaving. The face that looked back at me from the mirror was tired, but I’d pass for human. I grabbed a suit and tie and was still in the kitchen while Suze was running the blender with her custom anti-hangover mess. Before I reached for coffee, I leaned over her shoulder and kissed her neck, running my hand up over her bare ass.

“I love you,” I whispered. She looked at me with an eyebrow raised.

“And…?”

“That’s the big question, isn’t it?” I swallowed the coffee, grabbed my topcoat, and ran for the door. I greeted Jane the same way. She didn’t know what was going on, but I wouldn’t let this opportunity pass me up. I kissed her on the cheek and whispered, “I love you.” Then I ran for the bus stop.

After blocking the child and getting hooted at for being rude, I got off the bus and walked three blocks to a strip mall. I needed a phone. My stupid impulse yesterday had cost me. As soon as I plugged my SIM and memory card into the new phone, it started chiming with messages. Most of the messages were from Emory Wallace, the CEO of my company.

“Dal, I’d like you to come in and talk to me. You’ve got important things in the works here and I don’t want a misunderstanding to get all blown out of proportion. Just come in and let’s talk.”

I had to think about that. Did I want to go back to work? I headed toward the café to grab my late breakfast, early lunch. Next door was a liquor store and I went in to buy a Powerball ticket. I hoped I remembered the numbers correctly. I headed in for Joe’s Eggs. Maybe someday I’d try something else.

“Hi,” I said to Donnabelle, the waitress. I was trying to be friendly. “How’s your little girl?”

“Um… Hi. Do I know you?”

“Oh, I haven’t been in for a while. Last time I was here I heard you mention it was her birthday. Hope it was a happy one.” I saw a sparkle in her red and puffy eyes and realized she was fighting back a tear.

“It wasn’t a great day. Some guy stiffed me for a whole group and I had to make up the loss out of my tips. I’m afraid she didn’t get much of a present.”

“Gosh. That sucks. I… uh… don’t usually get involved in things like this, but…” I reached in my wallet and pulled out a hundred. “Here. I hope today is a better day for you and your little girl.” The waitress looked at me and the tear dripped.

“You… Thank you. My Angel will be so happy.”

I had really attentive service and even the eggs tasted better. I don’t think I ever took more than a sip of my coffee before the cup was refilled. Donnabelle seemed to float from table to table and smiled at me frequently. Maybe I’d made it through step two. Something bugged me about it, though. I had other errands to run and couldn’t stay for too long.

Emory greeted me warmly and asked me to take a seat when I got to the office.

“Dallas, yesterday was filled with unfortunate events. Mike can be… a little rough at times. He apologizes.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s taking a few days off to rethink his role here. I’m not sure if he’ll be coming back.”

“No big loss.”

“Maybe not for you. How can we make this whole unpleasantness go away?”

It sounded like I was being invited back. I told him I thought the old way was perfect and didn’t see any reason to change it. He agreed and told me he’d already sent out a memo rolling back the changes. Then he sent me back to work. Hell, that was easy.

Work wasn’t. Carlo Bonelli was expecting contracts yesterday. They were still sitting on my desk. I went over them quickly and called my contact. We talked while I couriered the docs to his office about eight blocks away. I had to make up a story about getting suddenly sick. I hated lying, but he seemed to buy it. He was a stickler on the contracts, though. The delay had given him time to think about a couple of things he wanted to discuss in minute detail. I had to get one of our engineers on the line to talk about the configuration of the system. I breathed a sigh of relief when he said he would walk the docs through their legal department and should have them signed by tomorrow night.

“Well, if it isn’t Mr. Bigshot,” one of my fellow sales people snarled at me when I walked out of my office.

“What brings that on, Dan?” I asked.

“You make more than any three of the rest of us combined so the company rolls back a sweet benefit package and guaranteed salary for the rest of us just to get you back. I could have used that package. But you got yours. What do you care about the rest of us?” He stormed off, leaving me befuddled.

I screwed up. I got what I wanted but screwed my co-workers. They all hated me. Fuck ’em.

Oh shit! I was late. I grabbed my coat and ran for the park.

No one was there.

It was after six and people at the mission would be eating. I headed that direction to make sure Mildred had gotten there okay and then thought about the tasteless food they were eating. I made a left and walked two extra blocks to the nearest KFC where I ordered three buckets of chicken with all the fixings. It was all I could do to carry it to the mission.

Alice opened the door and was surprised when I greeted her by name.

“Alice, can we feed everyone chicken tonight?” I asked breathlessly. “I know I should have asked first, but I just had this inspiration.”

“Lordy, young man. Our people will be heartened by your generosity. It’s been a hard day for them. One of our number passed away a little bit ago. We’ll make this meal her wake,” the woman said.

“No. Please don’t tell me it was Mildred.”

“You knew her, too? We can only say it was her time,” Alice said. “The police found her leaning against a trash barrel in the park. They said it looked like she’d simply gotten tired and stayed there. She would have loved this fried chicken. Come in and help me serve it.”

I joined her and we handed out chicken and mashed potatoes and coleslaw. I noticed there were tears in some people’s eyes as they took a piece of chicken. Then I got to the place where I’d sat with Mildred. There were two empty spots together, each with a little red construction paper heart that said ‘Jesus Loves You.’ I should have been here. How much else can I fuck up in one day?

I begged off staying for more because I needed to get to my date. Alice, however, stopped to thank me again.

“You don’t know what this meant to these poor souls, sir. I don’t know what brought you to our door, but you brought hope with you. With the city renovations that are planned, we will lose this place at the end of the month. I don’t know where my flock will go,” she said. What could I do? I certainly wasn’t rich enough to save their mission. On the other hand…

I reached in my pocket for the Lotto ticket.

“Maybe this will help,” I said, handing her the ticket. She looked at it and handed it back, laughing.

“We do not play games of chance in this mission,” Alice said. “How would it look to these poor people if I suddenly won the lottery? No sir. If you win, make a donation to us. But don’t tell us it came from gambling.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Alice,” I said. “Thank you for the work you are doing here.”

I rushed out and grabbed a cab to go to Daniel’s. Who knew it was so hard to do the right thing? If I woke up tomorrow morning, what could I say I’d accomplished today? I saved a little boy’s life and by extension, his mother’s. I’d maybe provided a little girl with a late birthday present. I’d gotten my job back and pissed off my fellow employees. I’d cost an old homeless woman her life. I’d brought some food for a shelter. And I was late for dinner with my lovers.

It was amazing how easily I’d accepted the idea that I was the lover of both Jane and Suze.

“Reservation for Dallas,” I said at the hostess counter.

“Yes. Your companion is here,” the perky little hostess said. I made a note not to tip her after the way she treated me last night. Tonight. Before. I was getting a headache. At the table, Suze was sitting waiting for me.

“Where’s Jane?” I asked.

“I don’t think you can just say ‘I love you’ and rush out the door leaving her with your new lover and expect her to show up for a Valentine’s dinner,” Suze said.

“But you came,” I said.

“One of us had to tell you.” Suze got up and left the restaurant. I was stunned.

Fucking hell! This wasn’t Jane.

And the worst day of my life began.

Again.

How many times was this? I simply couldn’t get it right. I kissed Suze on the shoulder, already knowing this time who was there and how I felt about her. I loved her but I loved Jane as well. Only one of them was with me. And I had so little time. I tried to explain it all to them the last time and as a result, I missed the bus. I got there just as the mother blew her brains out.

Another time, I forgot to buy the Lotto ticket, though I still didn’t know how it figured into things. I missed catching Mildred and walking her to the mission again. I got fired again. I got my boss fired. One night Suze showed up at the restaurant. One night Jane showed up. On most, neither showed up. And once, I simply stepped in front of the bus because I couldn’t take it anymore. And still I woke up the next morning.

Complete strangers were now so familiar to me that I called them by name. They looked at me strangely but nodded to me. I listened to people around me. I heard their stories. There was so much in this world that I didn’t—couldn’t do anything to help. Was there even such a thing as a perfect day? Was there ever going to be a day that I could simply not wake up repeating the same things over again? One night at the mission, I even asked Alice to pray with me. I still woke up to start over.

I knew exactly the number of steps to the bus stop and the exact last second I could leave the house and get there in time. I knew how far it was to the phone store, from there to the liquor store. I knew the winning Lotto numbers that were posted each night. I knew about Donnabelle’s daughter, little Angel, and the hard time they had making ends meet since Angel was in and out of the hospital with a congenital blood ailment. I knew the muggers, Stu and Tiny. I had tried stopping them, talking to them, and fighting them. I’d even gone to the truck stop one night and killed them. I’d been to jail six times. I’d found many ways to die. I’d delivered chicken and I’d nearly choked the hostess at Daniel’s to death.

And still…

❮ Can’t I Just Die? Getting It ❯

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