Alienable Rights
political satire
9
Alien Nation
ALL SAINTS’ DAY dawned on a sleepy and somewhat hungover Longview, Kansas, a couple of hours later than on Washington, DC. Things were quiet in DC. Janitors and a few remaining staff moved into the Capitol to clean up the blood and gore under the watchful supervision of military personnel.
The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court sent out a recorded message encouraging people to remain calm and know the constitution was still the law of the land. Then he disappeared.
No one was shooting in the streets. Loud speakers mounted on squeaky tanks warned that armed citizens in the streets would be shot and arrested. Most businesses remained closed. It appeared the only functioning government entities remaining were the Smithsonian Institution and the Public Library. Everything else had been closed for a month.
Similar scenes played out in cities across the country as it awoke.
Not so in Longview. Overnight, dozens of executive orders were issued via social media in 140-character bursts. The president emerged from his jewel-encrusted airplane with three personal advisors, Rina, Harlan, and Millie. They rode on a hay wagon driven by a naked Brett with his equally naked girlfriend Bridget. They picked up Jerome, the news reporter, and his cameraman and went out to the corn maze where the president announced development of his new Capital Golf Course would begin in the next week. Lyle met them out there and signed a bill of sale for the property.
Then they went to the new presidential residence, which had been made over during the night into a palatial structure behind a brick wall with slightly melted gates. Austin, Cece, and Ohna met the president there and introduced a very reasonable facsimile of Oswald Kennedy to welcome him to his new residence.
While standing on the steps of the house, the president announced a new constitutional convention to begin in thirty days. In that time, states were to elect their delegates and a convention center would be built in Longview.
“We’ll have a full convention center built by then, next to the golf course,” the president said. “It will have the best ballroom the country has ever seen. Whole new meaning to the term ballroom.”
And all that happened before eight in the morning. The president had never looked so fit before. He promised the country would be renewed stronger and richer than ever.
In Sarah Lee’s Diner, people who had woken up in various states of undress and/or sexual positions, were dragging themselves in to get coffee and breakfast. Josephine Carlisle, the clerk at Dollar General, slid into a booth to recover from her role as a witch in the Macbeth scene at the haunted church. A bewildered Lado, in the guise of Oswald Kennedy, looked around and she waved him over to sit opposite her.
“Doing okay, Oswald?” she asked.
“A little… um… bewildered. Things took an unexpected turn last night.”
“No kidding,” Josephine said.
Josephine was a little bewildered herself. She’d lost track of how many orgasms she’d been given while bent over the cauldron last night as a naked witch. She was sure Oswald had been the cause of one of them. They’d been in costumes and masks, of course. She’d been speculating about him, though.
“What do you think about the aliens? Think any of them are here in Longview?” Oswald asked.
“Hmph!” Josephine responded. “Wishful thinking. At the rate I’m going, I’m more likely to meet an alien than the love of my life.”
A few faces in the diner turned toward her, but looked away when they saw she was with Oswald.
“So, uh…,” Oswald began, motioning with his hand a little because he had no idea who he was talking to. He hadn’t reached the body quickly enough to gather any but the most surface memories—mostly of shooting at Haro.
“Josephine. You are bewildered, Oswald,” she laughed. He was a strange one, but she always had a fascination for him. And they weren’t getting any younger.
“Are you seeing anyone now?” Oswald asked.
“You mean dating, a therapist, or hallucinations?” she asked. Oswald stared at her.
“Yeah. I guess. I mean, I’d like to, you know, see if you like me. I mean to go out. On dates. And stuff.”
“Oswald, how did you get a reputation as the town tough guy?” she asked. “You sound like a teenager. I don’t need to work today. Want to go see if we’re compatible?”
“Yeah. I mean, that’s what I was thinking.”
What Lado had actually been thinking was that he missed all the fun the previous night because he’d been rushed in to take on the body of Oswald Kennedy, who had been stupid enough to shoot at Haro. Any one of the aliens would have responded the same way. It felt primitive to be carrying around a couple of Oswald’s guns when he could fire his ray gun faster than he could draw the old-fashioned pistols. He’d come to the diner just to see if any fun was yet to be had.
Josephine definitely looked like fun to be had. They finished breakfast and Oswald escorted her to the presidential palace, which was far more palatial inside than anyone in Longview suspected, due to the work of all the aliens under Cece and Austin’s direction.
It wasn’t going to be a bad day at all.
The official presidential address to the press waited until they’d all arrived and set up cameras in front of the ‘palace.’ The public was surprised at the commanding presence of the president.
“When you went to the polls a year ago this coming Tuesday, you voted for a promise of radical reform. Common sense in government. Cutting the expenses of big government. And getting rid of the corruption.
“Overnight… Well, I guess it’s been two days now. It depends on how you count it. Most things happened between yesterday and today, so that is overnight. Overnight, we’ve eliminated the corruption in Washington, DC. This wasn’t getting rid of a little of it. We reduced corruption and government waste by a thousand percent. Maybe three thousand percent. We got rid of more corruption than anyone knew we had.
“We brought our newly cleaned house to our new capital city of Longview, Kansas. Wonderful people here in Longview. The heart of America. This is where food comes from. Just this morning I went out to walk through a field of corn that will become one of the most beautiful golf courses in the world in just a few short months. It will be better than any golf course that’s ever been. People will come from every country to play on the presidential course in Longview and dance in the grand ballroom. And on that course—or in that ballroom—we’ll negotiate the best trade deals that have ever been seen.
“I’m not that into negotiating right now. I negotiated a deal with Covfefe just yesterday morning. Great deal. Got back all the people who have gone missing over the past hundred years or more. Just a misunderstanding. Except criminals. We aren’t getting back any criminals. The criminals are all being given a permanent home in space. Permanent. We’ll just be telling other countries what we want from them. Not going to waste time on negotiations. Come and play golf, ball in our room, and give us what we want.
“Now as a part of our deal, there will be Covfefe—that’s what the aliens call themselves—Covfefe will be seen here in America. Don’t be shocked. They’re safe. They are the only immigrants we’ll be allowing into our country from now on. They’ll make our country safer. They’ll be watching for corruption and waste in local governments, just like they are on a national scale. It needs to be cleaned up now. This is what we wanted all along. Good common sense government.
“And if you think you can take your second amendment rights to just shoot at will, expect you’ll get shot at, too. Whole bunch of people in Washington yesterday discovered bullets fly two ways. No reason for us to test that theory again.
“Nobody’s taking away anybody’s guns. We might need them if things get corrupt again. Things aren’t corrupt now. Nobody’s going to take away our God-given right to bear arms. Guns are God’s way of pointing us to the righteous path. In fact, I’m striking a deal to release a new gold-plated nine-millimeter handgun with the presidential seal on it. Each one will be numbered and signed by yours truly. That will be an arm worth bearing. Plan to buy yours for just $1,999.99.
“Now, there will be some changes because our alien friends are more advanced than we are. You can expect changes to come, and if you just let yourself go, you’ll enjoy them.
“Here beside me is Janelle Cummbridge, our new secretary of sex education. That’s right. Our science is going to change because alien science is so much more advanced. We won’t be talking about global warming again for hundreds of years. Science is all going to change.
“Beyond the basic principles of math and English and communication, the most important thing everyone here needs to learn is sex. I said that word out loud. If you have to go cover your ears because I said a bad word, goodbye. If you are a liberal who thinks everyone needs to be protected from sex, goodbye to you, too. It doesn’t make a difference if you are liberal or conservative, you got here through sex. The whole human race is here because of sex. We should all learn to enjoy it more.
“I’m good at sex. Probably the best at sex of anyone. I’ve probably had more sex than anyone else and I plan to have a lot more. I’ll even have sex with Janelle to prove our commitment to sex. So, everyone should subscribe to the channels for sex education that we’ve established. Janelle will teach you what you need to know.
“I was on the phone to the Russian and Chinese presidents this morning. They thought they could intimidate us because we are changing our country and getting rid of the communists and fascists. I set them straight. I told them they needed to have more sex. I didn’t mince any words. I don’t even know how to mince words. Is that some kind of pie filling? Minced words? Someone fix me one of those minced word pies so I can taste it. I didn’t mince words with the Chinese or the Russians. We have the greatest ally we could ever need and they are watching overhead. They’ll know if you try anything. We’re putting a seventy-five percent tariff on everything imported from those two countries until further notice. That’s over and above any existing tariffs. We won’t mince words with them.
“In the next few months, I’m going to completely stamp out abortion. And we won’t be doing it with any new laws. We’ve got too many laws right now. That’s why we need a new constitution and fewer laws. I’m not going to pass any laws against abortion. In the future, nobody will get pregnant who doesn’t want to have children. You can ask me how we’re going to do that. Well, we’ve got an idea for a plan and within the next nine months, there won’t be any unwanted pregnancies, no matter who you have sex with or how often. It’s okay if we reduce the population a little. Too many people now. And we’ll stop immigration, except our allies Covfefe. We’ll have more sex and fewer babies and no abortions.
“Let me tell you about how we’ll get rid of vaccines. Nobody likes vaccines. Nobody likes to get vaccines. And why should they? We’ll eliminate vaccines. Vaccines keep people from getting certain diseases. You know what they don’t do? They don’t eliminate the disease. That’s right. When people stopped getting measles vaccines, they started getting measles. Why? Because the vaccine didn’t eliminate measles. If someone keeps beating you up, you don’t go hide from them. You don’t put on armor and a doctor’s mask. You go out and eliminate the bully. You deport him. Make him into dogfood. That’s what we’ll do with measles. Eliminate the disease and stop having to hide and armor ourselves with a vaccine.
“I can’t go into all the changes we’re going to make in America. Too many changes to talk about. We’d be here all day. Probably tomorrow, too. And we still wouldn’t get through all the changes we’re going to make. So, I want to announce the newly created Ambassador to Covfefe to help us navigate the tricky waters of our new alliance. Please welcome Ambassadors Cece and Austin Warden. First thing they did last night was negotiate renovations to the new presidential palace. Our new head of security is Oswald Kennedy, known and beloved by people here in Longview, Kansas.
“You know what I found out when I got here to Longview? This is where food comes from. Lots of food. Enough food to feed everyone in the country. Maybe everyone in the world! More food than you’ve ever seen. There’s no reason for anyone to be hungry. We have a plan to feed everyone. A great plan. You’ll be amazed at how everyone gets fed when we start this plan.
“Roads? Why would we need roads when we can all have flying cars? And they won’t use fossil fuel or disrupt the power grid. It will be great. We’ll have flying cars and doctors on the television and robots who do the housecleaning. It’ll be like the Flotsams. When we have all that, we won’t need as many people so it’s okay if we lose some of the population. We’ll have everything and everyone we need.
“America the beautiful will be America the great. It will be more beautiful and more great than it’s ever been. We’re just getting started. We drained the swamp in Washington and we’ll drain it in every state capital in the country. If it didn’t get drained yesterday, it will be today or tomorrow. And we saw all the writhing slimy creatures of the swamp exposed to the light of day. We scooped them all up and got rid of them. Don’t ask where. They’ll never bother us again.
“That’s all I’ve got to say right now. My wife just landed out at the airport and I need to get back to the presidential palace and fuck her. That’s right. Sex is what makes the world go round. Sex is patriotic. Sex is fun. Go home. Go home and have sex! And Happy Halloween.”
There were some really happy teens in Longview when they returned to high school on Monday. It was as if the whole ‘Naked in School’ universe had suddenly moved to Longview. And right in the middle of it was the new Secretary of Sex Education, Janelle Cummbridge.
As for the rest of Longview, there didn’t seem to be much change. People still met up at Sarah Lee’s Diner for coffee in the morning. They discussed the affairs of the day, sometimes different than ‘affairs’ implied before. Bert Beeson found himself in demand by a number of newly liberated woman—and a few men. He was proud to be the mayor of Longview.
And Little Johnny… Well, he got his own special education at the hands of his classmate, skinny Becca, who thought his alien costume was the coolest she’d ever seen.
