Adams’ Apples
23 Almost Normal
THE LEAST UPSET PERSON in the house was Lily. Put a nipple in her mouth and she was happy. Evelyn was surprisingly calm, sitting in a corner of the living room with Lily. When the SORDID Chief of Staff and his… staff left, there were still eleven people left in the house. Mattie emerged from the basement office and went to the bar where she began mixing Bloody Marys. Sheila went to help her.
“Ugh! Not for me,” Elizabeth said. “I think I caught a bug from my students. Not even a month back in class and they’ve infected me. I should make them all wear surgical masks before they breathe on me.”
“Still getting hit on?” I asked. Somehow, that idea seemed more normal than that a man had been kidnapped from our house, we’d faced the inquisition, and a government team had stripped the office out of my den.
“Every day. One little shit had the balls to present a medical certificate to me stating that he was confirmed fertile and ‘warning’ fertile women to use a condom with him if they didn’t want to become pregnant.”
“I wonder how many fertile women he’s had unprotected sex with as a result,” I mused.
“More than I want dripping off the cock that goes in me,” Elizabeth growled. “Do you hear me, sluts? Mattie, Sheila, Evelyn, Kitty. Keep your cunts away from my man’s penis. I’ll superglue them shut. You’ll wish you still had your cherry. I can’t believe we have four sluts living in our house.”
“I’m not living here,” Kitty said. “Did you know Humpty has a nice little house over on the west coast near Tampa? We would usually be there for the weekend by now. This kidnapping stuff is throwing our plans off.”
“My head hurts,” Elizabeth complained. “I’m going back to bed.”
“I’ll come with you,” I suggested. Anytime Elizabeth was headed to Smith Stadium it was a good time for me to go there, too.
“Keep your hands off me, you bastard. I know what you want. It’s always the same. Pokey pokey pokey. You stink.” Elizabeth stalked off to the master bedroom and curled in a ball at the edge of the bed. Getting a flagged warning not to come close, I returned to the living room.
Everyone but Evelyn had a Bloody Mary by then. Hers was non-alcoholic.
“Here’s to Jack,” I said, taking my drink from Mattie. “May he be safe, wherever he is.”
“I thought the definition of being safe included not being kidnapped,” Smythe said. I looked at Evelyn calmly nursing Lily.
“If he was kidnapped.”
“What are you saying, Ramsey?” Smith MIB said.
“No one was sure how many kidnappers they saw. No one saw a face. No one saw Jack, just a man being led out with a bag over his head.” I went to the dining table where I picked up the score sheet from our gin game the night before. “My head still feels stuffed with cotton. I never beat Jack at gin. I never drink six martinis in an evening. Or maybe seven. And just at the point where I was downing one more, Jack looks at me seriously and makes me promise to look after Evelyn if anything should happen to him. Like that the government tries to kidnap him again. I’m not saying he wasn’t kidnapped, but now that I think about it, it sure sounds like he knew it was coming.”
“Evelyn?” Sheila demanded. “Do you know anything about this?”
The young mother looked up with an innocent smile and shook her head.
“Oh, quit sniveling!” Elizabeth barked. Mattie swallowed and tried to stop the tears. She was just a little frightened of my wife. Monday morning, Elizabeth had gone down to the former office where Mattie was attempting to restore things to the way she found them when she moved in before Christmas. Now the government computers and files had been removed. She’d had to fight to keep them from taking my signed baseball collection. If she hadn’t watched over the process, I’m was sure they’d have taken everything in the room.
“I don’t know what I’ll do. I just wanted to put things back like Mr. Smith had them.” Sheila had left Sunday evening and Mattie knew she needed to leave as well. I’d gone to the newspaper office and was wrestling with the big story of Jack’s disappearance.
“First of all, you’re going to need a computer. They didn’t cut any of the lines, did they?” Elizabeth demanded.
“No, ma’am,” Mattie whispered. Evelyn shoved Lily into Mattie’s arms and pulled a book off my shelf to leaf through.
“Good,” Elizabeth continued. “Go down to SellMore and get a decent computer and printer. You’ll need whatever it takes to get back online. And software. The government doesn’t provide software for us.”
“But I don’t have a job or any place to live!”
“Silly girl. You live upstairs next door to Evelyn and Lily. Here’s my credit card. Don’t go overboard. Ramsey will hire you as his research assistant for the book.”
“He will?”
“It’s not like you’ll have all the perks that sitting in a government office answering email gave you, but Ramsey’s phone was ringing all night with requests for speaking engagements, publishing offers, and floozies who think he’s really Jack and want him to get them pregnant. Someone with some sense needs to get this under control and you’ve been better at keeping him under control than anything I’ve tried to do in the past.” Elizabeth paused and got a faraway look in her eye. “And coffee. You know how to get his lazy ass out of bed in the morning. I have a job to get to. Get things started.” Elizabeth turned and ran up the stairs and out the door. Mattie stood staring, bouncing Lily in her arms.
“Don’t get starry-eyed,” Evelyn said. “She’s not leaving her husband.”
“I didn’t… wouldn’t… never…”
“Maybe you didn’t and maybe you never, but you would. Here. Give me Lily and go run your errands. I need to get dinner started. It’s a slow cooker meal.”
“Are you their cook now?” Mattie asked.
“We have free room and board here,” Evelyn said. “We all need to do our part to help out. I have the easy job compared to you. I just have to raise a baby and cook some meals.”
“Yes. I suppose so.” Mattie looked at the credit card in her hand, took a deep breath, and headed for SellMore.
“You did what? She’s staying?” I asked my wife as she posted on my cock in Smith Stadium Monday night.
“You said you’d hire her in a minute. You didn’t. So, I did. Don’t be an ungrateful bastard.” My brain short-circuited as we built to a massive climax and I was no longer able to talk. We’d have to deal with it in the morning.
By Wednesday, Elizabeth was curled up sobbing at the far edge of Smith Stadium again. Talking was no use. “I didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful,” I tried to explain.
“You don’t love me! I try to do something nice for you and all you can think about how you’ll never get your man cave back. You are so insensitive! I hate you.” Elizabeth jumped out of bed, grabbed her robe, and escaped into Evelyn’s room.
“She’s insane,” I muttered. “Life will never be the same again.”
“Coffee, Mr. Smith. It’s nearly ten.” Twenty minutes after she’d left the night before, Elizabeth had come back to bed and been doubly demanding in our love making. She’d kissed me tenderly this morning when she got out of bed and told me to start outlining my book. Now Mattie was standing beside the bed with morning coffee.
“Yes. Thank you, Mattie.”
“Evelyn is making pancakes for your breakfast.”
“What did I ever do to deserve three lovely women who wait on me hand and foot?”
“Nothing. Believe me.”
Mattie left the room and I cranked myself around to pick up the coffee she’d left. I grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV at the end of the bed to catch the news.
“In local Florida news, this morning saw the long-delayed launch of the joint NASA/RESCUE mission to place a new communications satellite in orbit. The launch had been delayed due to an injured crew member who needed to be replaced. If this project is successful, NASA plans to replace a number of failing communications satellites using the independent rocket delivery company known for its maintenance of old equipment to launch the new hardware. The launch was flawless against a clear blue sky and light winds.” The screen showed a rocket blasting off and arcing gracefully into space. Once it was a common sight in Florida. These days, it was only when an independent service was hired for a flight.
I reached for the newspaper and then jolted upright in bed. RESCUE was the name of the company Jack had worked for. And they happened to be launching from Florida just a few days after his supposed kidnapping. Just after a crewman had been replaced. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen.
“He’s on that flight, isn’t he?” I demanded of Evelyn. She shrieked.
“You’re naked!” Lily started crying.
“Tell me! He’s going back to space, isn’t he?” Mattie rushed into the room with a robe and draped it over my shoulders—not the part that was bothering Evelyn. I automatically thrust my arms into the robe and tied it shut.
“It’s what he does. He goes to space for six months and is home for a year. It works perfectly. He missed it and I missed having him gone.”
I groaned and then chuckled. I lost it and started laughing hysterically. Tears ran down my face. Mattie brought me more coffee and I attempted sips between fits of laughter. Evelyn placed a stack of pancakes with sausage links on the table in front of me. Just like normal.
“That dog!” I laughed. “How perfect. He arranged to have his own company kidnap him and get him out of the way of the government crazies. No one to bother him. And no milking his testicles for baby makers.”
“Oh, he’ll still do that,” Evelyn said as she picked Lily up and offered her a breast to calm her. “We have it all planned. I’ll talk him through the process when we’re on the phone, like we always used to. RESCUE put a cryogenic storage unit in his shuttle and he’ll transfer it to the various labs when he returns to earth. It will be just like old times.”
“Old times. Yes. Mattie, we have work to do. I need to get a story ready. Is there a chance we can get a photo of him up there?”
“He’ll be calling in about four hours when he comes back around to this side of the planet,” Evelyn said. “I’m sure he’ll snap a selfie for you.”
Last Man Flees Earth!
Jack Adams, the last man on the planet with viable sperm, is now off the planet. At 0800 yesterday, the RESCUE ship ‘Prince Charming’ launched from Cape Kennedy bearing the world’s last hope into space.
Pursued by women desperate to have a child and injured in a knife attack, Adams sought rest and seclusion in Florida. Government lackeys who failed for over a month to put together any agreement on how to effectively use this resource, hounded him constantly, keeping him bound under virtual house arrest.
When contacted, RESCUE General Manager Indira Babu said, “Jack works for us. This is his regularly scheduled deployment. It was delayed three months by US government interference, but we’re glad he is back in space again.” RESCUE is based in Mumbai.
When asked if it doesn’t concern her that the only viable sperm in the world are being withheld from the people, Babu answered, “In three months, the US Government under guidance of the Special Office of Reproduction, Duplication, Insemination, and Defense (SORDID) failed to collect or disseminate any sperm from their specimen. Jack’s capsule, where he will be resident for the next six months, is equipped with cryogenic facilities for the storing of his sperm, to which he has already made two contributions. We anticipate the availability of over 200 samples by the time this tour ends, at which time they will be turned over to US authorities, less our commission of twenty percent.”
Speaking from orbit, Adams was in good spirits eight hours after launch. “When my boss asked when I was coming back to work, I told her ‘Anytime you can get me out of here.’ The launch of the satellite courier from Cape Kennedy was a perfect opportunity and I cooperated in my extraction. Now I’m making my rounds to do maintenance and upkeep of over one hundred satellites in orbit around earth in the upper band approximately one thousand miles above the earth.”
Sources close to the President indicate Naval maneuvers in the Indian Ocean are routine and have nothing to do with the launch.
“Lily is developing consistent with typical markers for a fourteen-week-old,” Dr. Reynolds said. She’d stopped by for her usual weekly visit with mother and child. For some reason, Dr. Simpson had accompanied her. He and I mixed drinks and toasted Jack, up in space.
“Life seems quiet without Jack here and the constant invasion of our privacy by SORDID. Almost normal,” I said.
“Almost?” Simpson asked. I glanced toward the dining room where the four women and baby were lingering over tea, and leaned in close to the doctor.
“I’m worried about Elizabeth. I don’t know if it’s the strain at the college or if the whole concept of sterility is getting to her. Or maybe her hormones have just wacked out,” I said. “Even Evelyn and Mattie walk on eggshells around her. One minute she is kind and concerned for everyone and the next minute she’s ripping one of us a new asshole. It’s… tiring.”
“Maybe Sandra and I should have a quick look at her. I’ll ask Sandra to suggest it before we go.”
Simpson managed to make the suggestion and Dr. Reynolds maneuvered Elizabeth back to the bedroom on the pretense that she looked particularly stressed. She shut the men out. Lacking anything else to do, Mattie mixed us a fresh martini and excused herself to her room.
“John! I need your opinion,” Dr. Reynolds called down the hall. Dr. Simpson left me pacing nervously in the living room. A few minutes later, the doctors led Elizabeth back to the living room and pushed her toward me. She looked sheepish and raised her eyes shyly.
“Ramsey, Elizabeth is not sick. She is having mood swings and hormonal shifts and will continue to do so for some time,” Sandra said.
“Rams,” Elizabeth said sweetly, “I’m pregnant.”
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