Adams’ Apples
21 Happy Holidays
WITH JACK OUT OF WASHINGTON, life seemed to go back to normal. The stock market recovered. The protests died down. The size of SORDID, now that it had no ‘specimen’ to manage, doubled.
“With everyone going about life as if it was going to go on forever, you’d think people must be having babies again. Any word on that, Mattie?”
“A report from Russia claims they have found a virile man who lived in a remote area of Siberia. There has been no confirmation and the whereabouts of the man are unknown.”
“Typical propaganda. I’m sure our department has its hand out for a sperm donation,” I said.
“There have been overtures made. And China claims to have two men who were unaffected and are breeding women. In keeping with their population growth stance, they are allowing only male fertilizations to mature. However, there is no report of babies or pregnant women being seen.”
“I’m sure NRP will fight importing any Chinese sperm, if it exists. Sounds like they are trying to keep one up on the Russians. What do you want for Christmas?”
“For… What?”
“It seems that as your boss, I should get you a Christmas gift. My boss at the newspaper sends a bottle of scotch around at the holiday. It’s a nice gesture.”
“But it’s… There are rules, Mr. Smith. According to the Code of Federal Regulations at 5 CFR 2635 201–205 and 301–304, “On annual occasions where gifts are traditionally given, such as birthdays, Christmas, Boss’s Day, unless the frequency of the acceptance of gifts would appear to be improper, an employee generally may accept:
- * gifts of $20 or less per occasion, not to exceed $50 in a year from one source;
- * discounts and similar benefits offered to a broad class, including a broad class of government employees;
- * free attendance, food, refreshments and materials provided at a conference or widely attended gathering or certain other social events which an employee attends in his official capacity, with approval.”
“Twenty dollars? Hard to even get a good bottle of bubbly for that. Hmm. I tell you what, then. We’ll have a party. Include the Smiths, the Lieutenant and Colonel and, of course, Kitty. The Adams family and Sheila. Let’s get the doctors in—not the ones from Washington. The four we see often here in Orlando. Of course, my wife, me, and you. We’ll hold the party here and have it catered. Yes. It’s time we saw some actual benefit from this circus since I’ve yet to get paid. Elizabeth is not to be concerned with any of the preparation. Get cleaners in to do a complete deep cleaning of the house. Caterers to provide food and drink. Servers and bar tenders. Let everyone know it’s to be a formal affair.”
“Affair, sir?” Mattie squeaked.
“As in event. Party.”
“Oh, yes, sir.”
“That gets you a Christmas gift that is worthy of your services,” I said, totally ignoring the fact I was having Mattie do all the work. “Oh. And sift through the departmental budget and find funds to pay for it all. I’m sure it can be buried someplace.”
“I am so glad this term is over!” Elizabeth sighed as she stretched out on Smith Stadium. I immediately moved to her side, removed her shoes, and began massaging her feet.
“Four months of idiocy in the world. It must have been very stressful for you, dear,” I said as I rubbed her feet. Elizabeth moaned. “How about we make Monday a spa day? You and Evelyn… What the hell, might as well include Mattie, Sheila, and Kitty… go have the works done. Then go shopping and everyone get a new party dress for Christmas.”
“What has gotten into you?” Elizabeth asked. She rolled over and I began working my way up her legs, much to both of our delight.
“Time to be in the holiday spirit!” I said. “While you are gone, I’m going to take Jack to get a haircut and rent a tuxedo. We’re having a party next Saturday.”
“What?” Elizabeth cried, rolling away from my questing fingers and sitting up. “We can’t have a party here. The house is a mess. We have five extra people living here. The house smells of dirty diapers. I haven’t cleaned in two months. What can you be thinking?”
“I’m thinking our rich Uncle Sam owes us a little something,” I said, reaching for her again. “I’ve ordered a deep cleaning of the entire house while you are in the spa Monday. The entire party will be catered. You, my dear, are the queen. You needn’t lift a finger.”
“Really? You planned all this yourself.”
“Absolutely. Mattie’s making all the arrangements.”
“Oh. So, you didn’t plan it all yourself. You made that poor overworked girl do all your work for you.” Elizabeth folded her arms over her chest and glared at me.
“What? Overworked. She’s been delighted to have something to do. It’s boring monitoring email and putting rejection notices on ‘Need to Know’ requests. At least planning a party is fun.” I crawled across the bed and began tugging at my wife, who gradually softened her stance and let me gather her into my arms.
“You promise I don’t need to panic over anything?” she sighed.
“Everything will be taken care of. And it’s the only way I can legally do anything for Mattie, Jack, and Sheila since they are somehow in my chain of command. They’ll at least have a nice party.”
“You should make sure Sheila knows she can bring Sam.”
“What? Who’s Sam?”
“Her boyfriend. Where do you think she goes when she slips out on the weekend?”
“I thought perhaps she was… Well, you know her profession.”
“Ramsey! Sheila is only jerking men off on behalf of the government these days. Otherwise she’s quite happy with Sam.”
“Wait. Isn’t Sam Watkins… That was Reba’s ex, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t suppose we need to have him vetted and given need to know status, do you? He’s not a danger to Jack, is he?”
“Sheila brought him over to the University for coffee last week. He’s the polar opposite of Reba. Hard to understand how they got together in the first place. Sheila and Sam are perfect for each other.”
“How did they meet?”
“He was having his sperm count checked at a fertility clinic Reba insisted he go to. Sheila was the collection assistant.”
“Oh! Well, I suppose stranger things have happened than a man falling in love with a woman giving him a hand job. I’ll make sure Mattie knows. Now, how about I thoroughly relax my wife before I go out and need to serve dinner to the horde?”
“Good idea, this party,” Smythe said as we toasted each other. “Everyone needs to blow off some steam. Get a little wobbly. Pinch a little titty.”
“Yes, there certainly seems to be some of that going on.” I looked around the room and was surprised at the number of people I didn’t recognize. It turned out that Sheila wasn’t the only person who had a boyfriend or girlfriend. The Colonel was with Kitty, of course. That seemed to have some staying power and I was thankful for the way she’d calmed and settled Smythe down. His daily visits to see Jack were more like a couple of old soldiers swapping war stories than trying to control everything. Jack had grown to like the old guy.
“Hey, Rams,” Jack said as he came over to touch his glass to the Colonel’s. “You know the difference between a fairytale and a war story? One begins ‘Once upon a time.’ The other begins ‘This is no shit.’” We all laughed at the old joke. I moved on to speak to Lt. Smith who was accompanied by a stunning blonde who could have been a swimsuit model.
“Lieutenant, I didn’t know you had a date tonight.”
“Oh, it was a kindness Kitty showed me. She thought it was a shame that I would be unaccompanied at a holiday party. This is Chastity. Chastity, our host, Ramsey Smith,” Lt. Smith said.
“Really? Are you related? I didn’t know this was a family gathering. There are so many Smith’s here. If you ever need me for another family gathering, just give me a call. I do package deals as well.”
That was more information than either of us wanted to deal with and I moved on to meet Sheila’s boyfriend, Sam Watkins. Nice guy. They avoided talking about Reba as if it was understood that was off-limits. Then I got a shock when I turned to see Mattie with a hunk of a guy who dwarfed her. They were laughing together and looked a little tipsy.
“Miss Baines? I didn’t know you had a significant other,” I said.
“I do have a life, Mr. Smith!” she said. “I just don’t bring it around here where I have to live—at least during the week.” I really didn’t know what she did on the weekend and didn’t consider it any of my business.
“You did a nice job organizing this party. You know I suggested it as a way to show you I appreciate all you do. I hope you spared no expense to the government.”
“I made sure the expenses were all approved with your signature and countersigned by Mr. Sporu,” she said. “We have enough that we could keep the party going all weekend.” I was pleased with that but things suddenly turned serious as I looked across the crowded living room where two of my neighbors were accepting champagne from the bartender.
“Charles. Deacon. It’s nice to see you here at our little shindig. You surprised me. I didn’t know who all was invited.”
“Pleasure, Ramsey,” Charles said. “Nice of you to include us.”
“I’m just… uh… please don’t mention who else is attending the party.”
“Don’t worry about that, Ramsey,” Deacon said. “Everyone in the neighborhood knows who’s living at your house. Nobody will tell.”
“Everyone?”
“One of the least kept secrets in the world,” Charles said. “It was pretty easy to spot the sudden influx of security types and regular visits from the army and the doctors. I think the only people who don’t know are the government.”
“That’s interesting. I’ll need to talk that over with some folks. I’d hate to have the neighborhood suddenly have a bunch of unwelcome visitors,” I said.
“Not to worry, Rams,” a slightly tipsy Ms. Smith MIB said, stumbling into me. “Ooh. Scuse me! You know, you aren’t half bad looking in a tuxedo.”
“Hands off my husband, you hussy!” Elizabeth said, wedging herself between me and Ms. Smith, giving her a shove. “He has all he can handle right here. And he’d better be thinking of handling it soon!”
“We could swap sometime,” Ms. Smith giggled. “Smith over there is quite smitten with you. We sometimes pretend I’m you and it’s always wild!” It was unusual to see Elizabeth speechless. She grabbed another drink and steered me away.
“Great idea, this party, Smith,” Colonel Smythe slurred sometime Sunday afternoon. Kitty perched on his knee and scrubbed at the lipstick on his uniform. I wasn’t sure when the party had extended itself through the night and into the next day. Mattie had said there was enough food and drink to party all weekend. I was certain I’d slept sometime during the night as I was no longer in a tux and Elizabeth, sitting in my lap, was wearing her normal weekend clothes, which meant only her sweats with nothing under them.
“Thank you, Colonel. Glad to have you join us. Did everyone spend the night?” I asked.
“I believe your neighbors left about four this morning,” Kitty said. “But two more showed up for breakfast.”
“Well, I’m glad we’re such a success at entertaining.”
“Speaking of which, next week is New Year’s. I’ll fund the New Year’s Eve party. Why don’t we start on Sunday? Make it a three-day party,” Smythe suggested.
“Really? Um… Elizabeth, I surprised you with this one. What do you think about another?”
“Colonel, make sure the cleaners are here to do another deep cleaning of the house, both before and after the party. They won’t be able to come before Wednesday because Tuesday is Christmas. And not that I don’t like you all, but we need to have a reasonable Christmas Day for Lily. By the looks of the gifts piled under that tree, she’s going to need all day to unwrap them. Less than two months old and there’s a bicycle under that tree!”
“That could be my fault,” Lt. Smith said from across the room. Chastity sat on his lap, looking anything but chaste. “We started getting requests regarding where committee members should send gifts. We had them sent to the base at Bolling. We put them on a flight to Orlando and brought them over. The gifts went through a double blind with no one knowing what they were or where they were bound. We think it was a ploy to get around the ‘need to know’ restriction on this location.”
“Yes. Well, it’s not like everyone doesn’t know. How did all our neighbors find out?” I asked.
“I guess we aren’t used to being inconspicuous,” Mr. Smith MIB said. “We were just trying to blend in. You have very clever neighbors.”
“Can a guy get a drink?” Jack asked. He was still in his pajamas, wandering down the hall.
“Just getting up, Jack?” I asked. Elizabeth moved so I could go make the requisite Bloody Mary.
“Um… second time. We got up about five this morning and then went back to bed… er sleep,” Jack said, his face almost matching his red hair.
“Jack, you devil.”
“Well, it’s been seven weeks since the baby was born and Ev is all healed up. She was just concerned that I was permanently damaged and wanted to… uh… test the equipment.”
“Seems to be a lot of that going on over the past twenty-four hours. What would Ev like?”
“Virgin Mary. It’s Christmas, after all.”
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