Adams’ Apples
19 Flash!
“HE’S OUT OF THE WOODS,” the doctor said. Hamilton, I think his name was. My injury was minor. Half a dozen stitches and a bandage on my arm. I couldn’t even reasonably call in sick to work. Not that I had a job.
“What was the damage?” I asked. Dr. Hamilton frowned.
“I guess you are officially his guardian, so I’ll tell you.” He looked around to make sure no one was nearby and lowered his voice. “She managed to slice off one of his testicles. The other has a small cut. There was a lot of blood loss. We don’t know if it has permanently damaged his reproductive system but for at least the next month or two, he’s out of the game.”
“Well that’s just peachy. Maybe he can spend some time at home with his wife and daughter. Has anyone called Evelyn?” I reached to tug at my shirtsleeve only to find it was missing. I swore and looked at my jacket to discover it was in the same condition.
“I don’t know. This whole thing is a complete clusterfuck. Aren’t you in charge of that?”
“Shit!” I dug my phone out of a hip pocket and pressed Evelyn’s number.
“Hello? Who is this?” she demanded.
“Evelyn, it’s Ramsey. Are you all right?”
“Oh, hi. Sorry. I guess I’m a little testy this morning, knowing Jack is going in to have his dick jacked off by that woman. I know the necessity. It just still makes me upset,” she said. I could hear Lily fussing a bit.
“Well, the good news is, that’s not going to happen. Unfortunately, there’s bad news along with it. On the way to the clinic this morning, that Reba woman attacked him and injured his testicles.” I heard her catch her breath. “He’s going to completely recover. Don’t panic. I’m going to try to bring him home now. At least for a few weeks.”
“Oh no! I’ll pack a bag. I’ll go to the airport. Tell him I’ll be there soon.” Exactly the response I didn’t want.
“Evelyn, please stay put. If you come up here it might delay me getting him back to Florida. And if I get him out right away, we could pass in the air. Let me work on it and I’ll have him home and in your arms as soon as I can.”
“Yes. Okay. I’ll just wait here by the phone.”
“I’ll ask Elizabeth to look in on you.”
“Oh. Well, she does. I’ve been staying at your house so I’m not alone with the baby. She’s at work right now, but it won’t be long before she’s home. She’s so sweet.” That was news to me. Getting Jack back to Orlando might not get him out of my hair at all. Oh well. At least in Orlando I could go back to work and collect a paycheck.
As soon as I disconnected, I dialed Ed.
“This is a flash, Ed.
Headline: Knife-wielding terrorist attacks World’s Last Hope.
Byline: Eyewitness account by Ramsey Smith.
Copy: Screaming ‘If I can’t have him, nobody can!’ a woman attacked Jack Adams on his way to make his first sperm donation at the National Clinic. Adams’ testicles were damaged in the attack and doctors have not released a prognosis at this time.
The attacker is believed to be the same woman who accosted Adams on Thanksgiving and was later taken into custody for kidnapping the President’s daughter. Government security around Adams was impotent to prevent the attack. In the resulting scrum, Smith was also injured.
More details forthcoming.
“How does that sound?”
“You’re going to get mobbed in about five minutes. Get to the security and find out how this woman got to him. Send me the plans for Jack’s future disposition. We’ll run a sidebar titled ‘Safer at Home.’ Push to get Jack sent home to recuperate.”
“You’ve got it, Boss. I see the security detail now.” I shut down the connection and rushed to intercept the Smiths. “What was she doing out of jail?” I demanded. “She was arrested Thursday night!”
“What were we supposed to hold her for? She isn’t Muslim, Mexican, or Black. We had no reason to keep her,” Mr. Smith shouted back. It was clear he’d already been raked over the coals by someone.
“How about kidnapping the President’s daughter?”
“Ms. Muffley confessed to being a party to the ploy. She wasn’t kidnapped.”
“Oh, fuck. So, you just let a woman who had already stated she intended to capture and breed Jack Adams walk free. And you didn’t even consider it important enough to tell us. And where were you MIB when the shit hit the fan? I thought you were supposed to take a bullet for your package.”
“You watch too much TV. We were exactly where we were supposed to be, one ahead and one behind. Those tin soldiers were closer to the action. Hell, you were closer and all you managed to do was get in the way.” He looked down at my bandages. “Um… Sorry about the arm, Rams. She caught us on the blind side.”
I shook my head.
“Where’s the bitch now? Is she still walking around wielding a knife?”
“Oh no. We’ve got her now. She’s being charged with attempted genocide. That’s ten years, at least,” Ms. Smith said proudly. “It will be a while before she’s out of surgery, though. She really got banged up… uh… when she fell. She fell on you, Jack fell on her, and Mattie and Kitty fell on Jack. It’s amazing she only got eight little cuts and stabs from the knife she was carrying. I understand she managed to stab herself in an ovary.”
“That all happened when she fell and people fell on top of her?”
“According to eyewitnesses.”
“I need to see Jack.”
“Third door. Mattie, Kitty, and the soldiers are in with him.”
“General, we need a ride,” I spat after I’d caught up with Jack and assured him that Evelyn had been told and was okay, staying at our house. We were getting out of Dodge.
“What? Don’t you think it’s a little risky to go shopping with Jack in this condition? And it’s Colonel. Get it right!”
“We don’t want a ride shopping. We want a ride to Orlando. If we can’t get there securely by air, we need an unmarked car. I’ll drive,” I said.
“To Orlando? What’s there?”
“Home. Jack needs recovery time and that needs to be with his wife in familiar surroundings. You’ve been helpful these past few days, getting Jack settled and his wife calmed for the collections. Now he really needs time for his musket to recharge. Or whatever that metaphor was you used.”
“Humpty, that’s such a good idea. You could take me to Disney World. Put in for military transport of a valuable asset. You have the authority to do that, don’t you? I just know you do.”
“Yes. Well. Ah. Lieutenant?”
“Get us transport to Orlando on the QT. No sense alerting the world. We’ll just say Jack has gone into hiding after this unfortunate event,” Lt. Smith said.
“We’ll need a nurse, I suppose,” I said.
“We have one,” Mattie answered. Everyone turned toward her. The picture of efficiency, she tapped away at the tablet she held. “Sheila was a registered nurse before she decided her… um… other occupation was more profitable. She’s on her way to meet us now.”
“Us?” I said. “I thought it was Jack and me.”
“Oh no, sir. Where Jack goes, we all go. I have a valet packing the suite. Everything will be delivered to our car in ten minutes.”
“Mattie, you are truly worth your weight in gold,” I said, picking her up and swinging her around. I set her down and we were both embarrassed. “Which at your weight is probably a real bargain,” I muttered. I helped Jack into a robe that didn’t leave him exposed.
Jack groggily walked bow-legged between Sheila and me.
“Could I get a martini, please?” he pled.
When the Colonel and Lieutenant put their minds to it, things moved quickly. They were going to leave the Smiths behind when the parade of olive drab vehicles—including an ambulance, two enclosed sedans, and two armed jeeps—swung through the garage and loaded everyone standing there. The Smiths were caught up with everyone else and the parade headed for Bolling AFB. A C-17 Globemaster was idling on the runway with its tail down. In seven minutes from the time the parade entered the gates, the ramp was up and the big plane was taxiing. Jack was strapped to a hospital bed and his every need was cared for. Unfortunately, that did not include a martini.
“Lieutenant, let me ask you something.” I was served the martini Jack was denied. Since it was before noon, I’d normally prefer a Bloody Mary, but I’d said martini automatically. The lieutenant was sipping a sparkling water.
“What is it, Ramsey?”
“Jack Adams was stabbed by a lunatic at 8:45 as we crossed the garage to the clinic elevator. By 9:00, he was being stitched up and as much repair done as possible because the clinic happened to be ready for surgery. By 10:45, the suite has been stripped and packed and our luggage is waiting at the elevator. At 11:00, a military convoy pulls up, Jack is loaded in an ambulance, and we’re rushed to Bolling. At 11:45, we’re airborne and I’m sipping a martini in the lounge of a huge-ass hospital airship, heading home to Orlando.”
“It just happened to be warming up at Bolling for a training mission,” the lieutenant said, focusing on his water.
“I just want to ask, why has nothing in the past month run as smoothly as our treatment and evacuation in the past three hours? It was almost as if this was all staged and planned for. I wouldn’t expect a decision to be made on something like this without a four-hour committee meeting and 200 signatures on the email.”
“Colonel Smythe has a big pair of scissors.”
“What?”
“To cut through red tape.”
I looked across the lounge where Smythe was regaling Kitty and Mattie with some fantastic tale of a battle he never fought.
“I wonder if Colonel Smythe knows he has those scissors sitting here next to me.” I turned and squinted at the lieutenant. “Because you are the scissors. Who chose the escort to come to our suite and try to seduce Jack? An escort who just happened to be the President’s oldest daughter and was completely capable of seducing and entrapping the colonel. Who has the NSA, the CIA, and the FBI on speed dial? Who is on a first name basis with the doctors at the clinic? Who organized the walk across the garage and made sure the Smith MIBs were out of the picture when Jack was attacked? Who briefed Mattie on how and when to wake me up in the morning the first day on the job?”
“Ramsey, you’re developing a conspiracy theory where none exists. Some of the things you surmise I had a hand in. I’ve known Kitty professionally for years, so when the Colonel came up with his harebrained idea of setting Jack up in a scandal, I called on her. I was given the numbers and contact info for the various alphabet soup as part of my briefing when I was assigned as the Colonel’s aide. I’ve been the liaison with the clinic while we were setting up scheduling and procedures, so I’d met the doctors. Someone had to act on behalf of the patient when HR wanted to assign an administrative assistant, so I just walked in and did the interview with Mattie. And I briefed her on how you liked to be roused in the morning. Someone had to be organized in this shit show. I was the one who could do the organizing.”
“You planned the attack on Jack!”
“Nope. That was one thing I didn’t do and wouldn’t have. I thought she was still in custody. And the organization of the people crossing the garage was strictly Secret Service. It’s standard when there are only two agents for one to take point and one to drag tail. It just worked out badly.”
“But you had everything arranged to move us swiftly to the AFB and get us on this plane.” I still wasn’t convinced that Lt. Smith was innocent.
“We’ve had an emergency convoy staged twenty minutes away since the day you arrived in Washington, DC,” Lt. Smith responded. “The guys have been pretty bored. They’ve run drills through the parking garage three times a week since day one. People are so used to them, no one noticed we evacuated Jack, you, and the rest of the team. The part that just happened was being redirected from Andrews to Bolling because this ship was standing by for an emergency drill. Just a chance.”
“Hmm. I don’t believe in chance. I’ll be watching to see how it unfolds in Orlando.”
“Speaking of which, where are we taking Jack once we touch down?” the lieutenant asked.
“What? You’re asking me? We’re taking Jack to my house. His wife has been staying with my wife for most of the month. We know their obstetrician and pediatrician and they stop by the house once a week. I suppose we’ll have to make room in the house for Sheila since she’s assigned as his nurse.”
“We’ll have to work out security. I take it you don’t have room for all of us. We’ll bivouac on your lawn.”
“No, you will not! You can patrol the neighborhood or put a gate up around the community, or hide in the fucking bushes, but you can’t turn my home into an army camp. Do you know how much a lawn costs in Orlando? No way. Besides, my home is just as secure as what we saw of Blair House. End of discussion. Jack and Sheila. That’s it.”
Of course, that wasn’t it. When the entourage arrived at my home at three o’clock in the afternoon, Jack was trundled into the bedroom Evelyn and Lily shared. By the time I got in the house, the first vehicles of the convoy had already pulled away. I stood at the door and turned everyone else away. The army people and the MIB decided they needed a conference in order to determine the best way to secure the neighborhood. When they finally drove off, Elizabeth pulled into the driveway and came through the garage door.
“What is going on? Ramsey! You’re home!”
“Darling, Jack was injured this morning and as soon as we could get free, we shuttled him down here. I brought him home since Evelyn was already staying here. The only other person we let in was Sheila since she’s his nurse. I gave her the third bedroom. We are now considered ‘an undisclosed location.’
“Oh my, Rams. At least you’re home. What’s she doing here?” Elizabeth pointed toward the dining room where Mattie was setting up her office.
“What? Wait right there, Ms. Baines. It was inconvenient enough when you took over the dining room in the suite. You cannot take over our dining room. We have to have someplace to eat. And what are you even doing here?” I shouted. Lily began crying in the bedroom and Sheila poked her head out to hush us.
“You are still officially in the TOE for SORDID. I can’t be an effective administrative assistant with you here and me in Washington. I have to be where I can be of service.”
“Exactly what kind of services have you been providing,” Elizabeth snarled. “Whatever it is, you can’t do it in the dining room.”
“But where will I set up? We’re going to be far behind on email by the time I get organized. It will take all week to catch up. A crisis like this generates email at three times the rate of normal,” Mattie pouted.
“The basement,” Elizabeth said. “No one is using the den. You can set your equipment up there and be out of our way.”
“My man cave!” I whined. “Where will I watch the bowl games?”
“From Smith Stadium where I want you,” Elizabeth said. “Now!”
I went willingly.
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