Adams’ Apples
6 News Break
WHY AREN’T YOU PREGNANT?
That’s right, you aren’t pregnant. No one is. Investigations have uncovered what appears to be a global sterilization of human males. No babies are being born and the world population clock is counting backwards.
Of course, you can check with your doctor and even go to a fertility clinic. But they will all show the same. No matter how much semen a man produces in an ejaculation, it will contain no living sperm.
It appears this has affected only the production of spermatozoa. Many sperm banks have run tests and indicate the banked sperm seems not to have been affected by whatever it is that has caused this sterilization. However, they are not currently accepting applications for in vitro fertilization by order of the Department of Health.
“What we are seeing is nothing more than a typical cycle in the system,” said Mary Rand, Communications Director of the Centers for Disease Control. “There is no evidence that this is anything more than a temporary reset. We do not see it spreading any further.”
Dr. Levi Ulman of Orlando General Hospital had this to say about the development.
“We began to see births start trailing off just over two months ago. As births do go in cycles, we were not concerned until the birth rate sharply declined. As of two weeks ago, Orlando General has not had a single birth. We checked with counterparts all over the State of Florida and they have concurred that there are no new births being recorded at this time,” said Dr. Ulman.
Reports began filtering in from around the world that the birthrate had dropped to zero when the world population clock at worldpop.io stopped and began running backward. Secretary of Health Ralph Alexander responded as soon as information filtered out on the internet that world population was decreasing for the first time since the Bubonic Plague.
“We have launched an investigation into the specious allegations brought forward by the owners of worldpop.io and have demanded that they fix their application or take it down. No other counter of human population has reversed itself and we are certain that advanced fertility drugs will soon be made available at a reasonable price,” Alexander said.
“We have good people, the very best people, working on the problem of the retreating world population clock,” President Muffley stated from Merryweather Golf Course in Santa Barbara. “Human technology—isn’t technology great? I probably know more about technology than anyone else and I know that sometimes it fails. Incompetence among scientists and doctors has led to a failure to identify new births. They are a waste of time. An engineer who has a glitch in his programming is causing panic around the world. That is a failure of technology. Very bad. Don’t believe what they are saying. We need more people in technical and trade school who can learn how to put a nut on a bolt and not depend on these college graduate types.”
While denial of the problem seemed to be the most common response in the United States, the story is quite different in other parts of the world. Willy Williamson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, was solemn in his pronouncements.
“This is a grave day for the United Kingdom,” said Williamson. “For the first time in our history, a threat to our national security has come from within. We need the people of our country to stand together against this threat once again, as we did against the Germans in World War II. Today, we need more babies to repopulate our country.”
“Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States suffer in the grip of infertility and lack of babies, we shall not flag or fail,” the Prime Minister continued in his speech in the House of Commons. “We shall copulate to the end. We shall copulate in France, we shall copulate on the seas and oceans, we shall copulate with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall copulate, whatever the cost may be. We shall copulate on the beaches, we shall copulate on the landing grounds, we shall copulate in the fields and in the streets, we shall copulate in the hills; we shall never give up!”
The Prime Minister’s rousing speech has been greeted with active participation all over Britain.
President Val Pukin of Russia was quick and succinct in his comments. “Europeans are dying out. Don’t you understand that? And same-sex marriages don’t produce children. Do you want to survive by drawing migrants? But society cannot adapt so many migrants. If a woman wants a baby, give her one. It’s better not to argue with a woman.”
When questioned on how he suggested that was possible, his response was simply, “The usual way.”
Much of Asia has breathed a sigh of relief as the possibility of reducing overcrowded populations comes to the fore. No concrete numbers have been released from the Republic of China, but satellite photos reveal seasonal reductions in smog and emission levels throughout the country may be here to stay as the population decreases.
As developments continue to unfold, stories will be reported in this newspaper. Keep informed by visiting our Orlando News website.
I was pretty pleased with my front-page story. I’d made the front page every day this week and I was still collecting new material a week after I broke the original story. Every national leader in the world seemed intent on getting their press release to me first. I was swamped with email and that coveted Pulitzer nomination for Breaking News Reporting was on the horizon.
My latest story documented a run on pregnancy test kits as people began stockpiling them to check every few days, just in case. Pharmacies had also reported a drastic decline in the sale of contraceptive pills and devices, including condoms.
When I broke the story, the internet went into overdrive with preposterous cures and home remedies, all backed up with claims that it had helped a second cousin’s next-door neighbor’s dog conceive. I was scanning the internet when a shadow fell across my desk.
It doesn’t seem to matter where the man stands or which direction light is coming from, my editor, Ed Erebus, always casts a shadow. He’d been near a stroke when I ran into the news room last week, yelling “Stop the presses!” When he saw the story, he hit the red button on his desk and a hundred high end ink jet printers ground to a halt.
I looked up.
“Why?” Ed growled.
“What?” I hoped it was a game of who, what, why, and when. No such luck.
“Why are all men sterile? What caused it? When did it really occur? Who was responsible? How was it transmitted? Where did it originate? We need answers. We’ve already fallen behind New York and Washington in their investigations. What are you doing sitting here on your butt instead of getting the answers?”
“This is how research is done in the twenty-first century, Ed.”
“Don’t give me lip. Give me answers. Act like a reporter and hit the street. And get your next story in before deadline so we don’t have to hold the presses until you get here!” Ed stormed away, the dark shadow following him.
I packed my laptop and left the office.
The reception at home was not encouraging. Elizabeth was lying on the bed weeping. Beside her was a commercial pregnancy stick, the red mark indicating negative.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” I asked as I sat on the edge of the bed and gently rubbed her shoulder. She turned away from me, brushing my hand away.
“I’m not pregnant!” she snapped.
“Um… Aren’t you still on birth control? I thought you didn’t want children,” I cautiously asked.
“That was before. I didn’t say I never wanted children. I threw away my birth control the minute your story broke. We’ve had the best sex of our marriage this past week, and still no baby!” Elizabeth sobbed.
I had to agree the sex had been great. For some reason, since I’d broken the story about the sterilization of men, I’d been constantly horny. It seemed that Elizabeth had been as well. There hadn’t been a time since our honeymoon when we’d made love more often or so satisfyingly.
“It’s not my fault, sweetheart,” I said reasonably. “I’ll go down and get tested, but if what we suspect is true, there aren’t any men who have viable sperm.” Never try to be reasonable with a woman in distress.
“It’s a plot. All you men can just go catting around with no thought for consequences. Built-in safety net. She can’t get pregnant so no one will ever know,” Elizabeth accused.
“I’m not catting around! I love you, babe. I always have and I always will. What could I possibly get from catting around? No matter if there are children or no children, I’m only yours,” I pled. In six years of marriage I’d never been tempted once to step out on my wife. There was nothing I wanted she couldn’t or wouldn’t supply. I tried to pull her back toward the middle of Smith Stadium. She resisted a moment and then rolled toward me.
“Really, Rams? I knew you’d be faithful to me when we were going to have a baby eventually. Are you still going to be faithful now that we can’t?”
“Do you think anyone else could entice me away by wanting to have a baby? I’m not stupid. It’s me. No one is going to give me anything you aren’t giving me.”
“I don’t know why I feel this way, Ramsey. I’ve never been jealous. I’ve never said, ‘Don’t go out for a drink with the guys,’ or anything like that. I’ve always been strong and confident. Now I feel like a sop. Guys are hitting on me and I just assume you must be getting some on the side. There are women out there who will sleep with anyone on the off-chance they might get pregnant.”
“Guys are hitting on you?” I was a caveman. “I need to have a talk with these guys.”
“Oh, I already spotted the ploy, but most of the girls in my classes are gaga over them.”
“Them? What do they have?”
“A card that says ‘Certified Fertile.’ It’s a kind of ID card like a driver’s license. It has their picture and the words ‘Certified Fertile’ on it. I’ve worked a lot of events at the college and check ID often enough that I can spot a fake a mile away. These have a little fine print at the bottom that says ‘For entertainment purposes only. Not an official ID.’ Who would fall for that? Still I see girls all over campus doing just that. Suddenly, the great fear of getting pregnant is now a goal,” Elizabeth confessed.
“I should run a notice about that in the paper. It’s not ethical when we know all men are sterile.”
“Do we really know that, Rams? Do we all have to just give up hope?”
“I don’t know what to say, babe. Sure I want children, but I also want you, now more than ever. No one else is going to try me out.”
“I love you. I’m sorry I’m so pouty. It’s all been such a shock.”
“How many of those sticks did you buy?”
“A dozen. That’s all CVS had left.”
“That’s a year’s worth. No, listen to me. There’s no sense wasting one every week. Each month, we’ll use one to check. By then, stocks will be replenished and we can buy more. But no more tests than once a month. Okay?” I said.
“It’s okay, but we need to practice a lot so there’s something to check for.”
“Whenever you want.”
“Now?”
I kissed my wife and began petting her. It slowly heated up until we were both naked and panting for the main event.
“I’ve never felt you so hard and hot,” Elizabeth said. “You last so long and when you come you flood me. Do that, Ramsey. Flood me.” We built up steam until we were at the breaking point. When Elizabeth started the throes of orgasm, I was borne along with her, spilling copious amounts of semen in her warm vagina.
“I wonder if that’s typical?” I mused as we cuddled together. “Do all men have bigger orgasms now? That was incredible.”
“How are you going to find out?” Beth asked. She was quite satisfied and nearly asleep.
“I guess I’ll have to ask some guys. And Ed wants me to figure out what caused it. Like I’m a scientist. How am I going to figure that out?” I asked.
“Yeah. Better go ask some guys. I’m going to sleep now. See you in the morning.”
I kissed her neck and slipped out of bed to get dressed. She was right. I needed to go ask some guys. And there was no better place to start than Mother’s. I was on my way.
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